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The Paper Bums: The Emptiness Between

SatoriDSep 21, 2016, 3:26:19 PM

I want to forget, I need to forget. But this cold emptiness, that I feel never goes away. And it's some kind of cosmic joke, some kind of trickster playing a prank on me. The old bait and switch. I know that I should know, but I keep on banging my head against reality. 

It's one thing to know something intellectually, it's another thing to integrate that knowledge into your being.  

Why can't reality just let me be...

There is an old Tibetan saying "If you see the terror of hell don't cling, If you feel the bliss of heaven don't cling." And every time I find myself in this place, this void of existence, in the dark night of the soul, this saying echoes within my consciousness. And I think to myself well that's fucking life, and am stuck, am stuck within my foolish self, am stuck in this life, I'm stuck in this world, reality and universe. And it's neutral, really the universe doesn't give a shit about me, and its keep on ticking away, spinning away at the wheel of karma. 

You see if you take life too serious, then you will lose every single thing and it will pass you by, leaving you empty & cold inside. But at the same time if you don't take it serious enough, then you will miss out on everything, you will never have any of the horror and joy that it has to offer.   

We fucking human beings are silly lil blips in the cosmic play of everything. That's just fucking life, every time I think of giving up, quitting and ending, my spirit just wouldn't buy it, and that's when it just ends and changes. See that's one of the truths of this reality, all things end and all things change. There is no use to trying to fight it or even giving up. But you buy the ticket, you take the ride, and there are a lot of ups and down, but it's just a ride. 

"Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." 

 But it doesn't matter because it's just a ride.

Where do I go from here? I don't know, even though there is this sadness and helplessness, there is this kind of freedom of clarity of melancholy. Why does it seem like most and the best art, comes from this darkness, sadness, and emptiness of existence?



Perhaps it because we can all relate to it. Why is it that the negative gets burned into our memory and soul more than the positive? When you're in the darkness there seem to be no way out and you have always been here, but this too is an illusion, for there is bliss, joy, and happiness. But just as the sadness doesn't last, nor does the happiness. Where does that leave us? Stuck in between. The emptiness between.   

There is only one thing in this life that freaks me the fuck out. I have been too the mountain top and to the pits of hell. I have slept on floors, with dope fiends, criminals, and killers. I have drunk spirits and broke bread with dreamers of culture. I have talked all night about life, reality, and society with gangstas and with makers of society. I have lost everything and I have had everything my silly mind can dream up. I have had my leg on fire. I have had my uncle murder in front of me, at the age of 7. I have seen my great grandmother's beautiful soul pass on at the age of 9. I have been to the underworld/dreamtime more times than I can count. I have had my consciousness shredded into a million pieces.   

And there's only thing I can't get over and never got over, is a dream in which starts off simple enough. I go to a market, with my friends, and we buy beer or sometimes it's a soda and blunt or chips, but it's always either/or. And we walk back to my friend's place, and once we enter the door, I notice, that am all alone. And I find it odd, that drinks and smoke/food are gone. And I realize, that am dreaming, and I say nice. I can do anything, so I go to the door to open it. And It can't be open, and now am stuck in this room. And there is no way out, and I say this is bullshit, it's just a dream, I can fly or transcend walls, but nothing works. I finally say ok I need to wake up, so ctrl-atl detele and I wake up, only find myself walking into a market, and I go thru the motions of buying whatever again and walking with my friends to their place, only to find myself alone and stuck in the room again. I even try to run down the street, and not enter the room, but as I run out of the dream scene, I end up finding myself right back in that room. And this scene plays in what seems like an endless loop. I am stuck in this reality, and the more I try to escape, the more I find myself stuck.   

When I finally find myself in my bed, awake, I can't tell if am really awake or if this is still some kind of sick joke, but when I realize that I am in waking life. I tell myself it was just a dream. That everything is ok. But for some reason, those thoughts seem hollow, and there is something that aches deep, deep, deep inside my being, something that leaves a tiny ripple of doubt, or is it the truth. I don't know. But all I know, that I'm stuck, in this body, mind, reality, this world and universe. And on days like this, I get that same feeling as I do in those conscious loop dreams....    


Conflict is a necessary part of life

Tension upon the strings of consciousness

making the majestic of the music of reality/perception

They say Truth shall set you free

But it's Truth that imprisons me

It's the emptiness between

that makes me stuck with in this reality