Could I Commit Adultery? Part 2: Gandalf vs Galadriel

As I wrote in the introduction post, I recognized that a midlife crisis was somewhat behind the intensity to this summer's particular struggle. I had to work through several internal angles in order to fully understand what it was I was contemplating, and why.

*A not so fun fact: I'm exceedingly vain and conceited. Since my earliest ages, people told me I was beautiful, and not in the "You're my special snowflake" kind of way, but in the "You're going to be a man slayer" fashion. And, so I was, through my teen years, until I became a Christian at the age of 20.

I realized that, in part, I was dealing with the loss of my youth and vitality. I'm almost 42 years old. That's not old, but it's not young either. And, my current age isn't the problem, it's that I'm facing old age, and a limited time on enjoying good sex - something I deeply love. And, whether you're a Christian who believes sex won't be in heaven or an atheist who does not believe in an after life at all, sex is a limited time offer for many and, biologically, it has more hurdles to it - in both genders - as you get older. I'm not ready to be done yet, but I see the clock winding down. 

I never thought of myself as struggling with getting older. I embrace my grey hairs and changing body. It's, objectively speaking, what happens and I quite agree with what my mother has said since I was young: "You either get old or you get dead". That, and I've always wanted to be a grandmother because I loved mine. I have lived life for 22 years fostering the vision of being appreciated as a source of wisdom in my old age. I know that peaceful and quieter fun lies ahead, but I was craving excitement and realized I wasn't quite ready to sit on my metaphorical front porch swing just yet. I haven't hated the reality of what lies ahead, but this summer I panicked about the reality of what I'm losing.

In contemplating this angle of why it was that I was struggling with the idea of having an affair, two scenes from the Lord of the Rings trilogy came to mind to help me understand myself better. Yeah, I know, I'm about to get my geek on.

A fun fact: My mother almost named Galadriel, but my grandmother hated it and threatened to call me Gidget. So, my mom named me Renee instead and since Renee means "Born again", that was fortuitous. However, this summer proved that naming me Galadriel would have been just as appropriate.

Galadriel was, disappointingly, not my favorite character. Why? Because I disliked her vanity and conceit - funny, that. My least favorite moment? That time Frodo tried to hand her the ring at her magical water mirror, and what was truly in her came out for all the world to see.

I have not read the books, so my point of reference is the movies. I realized something this summer that I hadn't seen before. Twice Frodo offered the ring to more powerful folks than himself: Once to Gandalf and once to Galadriel. The outcome was the same, they both refused to take the ring because they both knew it would have deadly consequences, but the two had very different responses to the temptation.

Gandalf's response to temptation:

Frodo: "Take it Gandalf! Take it!!"

Gandalf: "No Frodo!"

Frodo: "You must take it!"

Gandalf: "You can not offer me this ring."

Frodo: "I'm giving it to you!"

Gandalf: "Don't! tempt me Frodo! I dare not take it, not even to keep it safe. Understand, Frodo, I would use this ring from a desire to do good, but through me, it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine."

I started the summer with Gandalf's resolve. I saw the thing as deadly and didn't want to come anywhere near it - or at least that was the habit of my response to extra marital attraction. However, and as much as I'd want to be as noble as Gandalf, by the end of the summer I knew I was much closer to …

Galadriel's response to temptation: 

Frodo: "If you ask it of me, I will give you the one ring."

Galadriel: "You offer it to me freely. I do not deny that my heart has greatly desired this."

And, she walks right up to the ring, and darkness takes her for a moment.

"In place of a dark lord, you will have a queen! Not dark, but beautiful and terrible as the dawn! Treacherous as the sea, stronger than the foundations of the earth! All shall love me and despair!"

I realized my vanity, my desire to be desired as a sexual object - something I know I possess the power to be and have, for many years, brought under strict control in order to serve more good and noble purposes. 

Being a sort of beautiful and terrible queen of unbridled sexuality is a road I've already traveled - it's the road that brought me to Christ. Because I know the road, I know that believing I wouldn't be dark, but would be only beautiful, is believing a lie. I knew better than to believe that I wouldn't lose myself to darkness. And, yet, I could not deny that my heart greatly desired it so, I walked right up to the ring that was being offered and let the darkness surge through me.

I let it, because I hoped I'd be able to say, as Galadriel did, 

"I passed the test. I will diminish and go into the west, and remain Galadriel."

A not so fun fact: I kind of put myself in the way of the test this summer when I could have avoided it so, there's that.

And, I'll be honest, this is the mud I got on me while walking through that puddle. I'm still not quite ready to go diminish into the next stage of life. But, for now, and hopefully for good? I will remain Renee.

Could I commit adultery? "Yes", because, in general terms (not related to a specific person), I will not deny that my vain and conceited heart still greatly desires it.