Could I Commit Adultery? A Series Introduction

While allowing myself to ask and answer this question, it started with an attraction to another man, but I quickly recognized it as connected to a few other, internal, issues that needed some attention. This realization, turned the exploration of the topic into a personal one which had to be answered as a general question not necessarily one revolving around a singular attraction, or a specific person. I also recognized the whole mental exercise as a challenge - as an opportunity for personal growth - and that is something which motivates me to my core.

Being connected to other things: As is true of most pursuits in life, rarely do we do something out of a singular reasoning. There is almost always a web of factors which act as the perfect storm behind allowing ourselves to be a boat on a raging sea of human experience.

1. A mid-life crisis: It took me by surprise because I thought those were the purview of men, but when I quickly recognized the vanity which was being fed by the idea of being freshly desired. I could look back over the last couple of years and see how the crisis was brewing. For no other reason than having the opportunity to deal with what was brewing inside me, and had now bubbled to the surface, I will not regret the journey I took this summer.

2. Applying my political views to my personal life: I also recognized the growth of the seed of ideological consistency. While exploring the political idea of anarchy, I think, there was a sense in which I was calling hypocrisy on myself. Could I personally embrace no authority over my life, not just advocate for freedom from collectivist, governmental authority.

Certainly, as a Christian, the answer to adultery is a whopping and unwavering, "NO"; I could have saved myself a lot of time and energy by just following what I know my faith says, and, up until now, that has been my practice with the issue. However, I wanted to explore the topic beyond just submitting to the blanket answer. I wanted to know for myself.

I intentionally and knowingly went through the mud puddle. So, I put God up on a shelf this summer. I didn't deny Him, and my faith remained very much a part of my thinking, but I wasn't satisfied to live "God said so, I'll do". I believed, correctly, that I'd come out of the puddle having gotten a little muddy, but that I'd also come out with some depth of insight - faith and otherwise - that would be beneficial to me and maybe to those with whom I'd share the journey. My faith is deeper now than it was when I entered the puddle so, I don't regret the journey I took this summer.

I did come out muddy (and I'm sorting through that now), but I also came out with those insights and that is what I'll be sharing in a series of blog posts titled, "Could I Commit Adultery". I pushed against every boundary I could - without losing myself - and I don't want to forget what I don't regret learning.   

Because I don't hide things from my husband, I inadvertently dragged him on my journey this summer. The question started with asking myself if I could commit adultery and ended with my husband and I asking if we could be in an open marriage. While I may include a post centered around the specifics of considering an open marriage, and it'll be touched on in posts where it's appropriate, many of the answers to asking the question of myself are applicable to us as a couple. 

While each post will conclude with answering the question in a "Yes" or "No" format, the overall answer is … complicated. In a sense, I did commit adultery. I had a relational affair and I certainly wanted it to be more (sometimes, badly) so, am I capable of an affair? "Yes", ladies and gentlemen, I'm wicked like that, and I don't mind that you know it.

However, as I already stated, I pushed the limits as far as I could without losing myself. When I knew I was losing myself, when I came up to the line - and had to make a choice that would change my life - the intellectual journey I'd taken all summer long had given me ample reason to not cross the line into a sexual affair. Had I crossed that line, I would have done so in full agency, in full understanding, and it was those two things which kept me from crossing. So, the answer is also, and ultimately, "No", I could not commit the act of adultery.