Leaving Magick

Being a Pagan or a practicing Witch is very fulfilling, fascinating, and at times lonely. While I living in Michigan, I had my mother and grandmother to study, act on, and discuss magick with. Also, I had a couple of metaphysical shops and places that I was able to go to at my leisure. One thing I did notice about myself as I started my Pagan path was that I was caring for myself better; as well as I learned that I had abilities (magickal as well as practical) that I never realized before. It really was a beautiful time of empowering growth for me. Then at the age of 22 I moved back to Florida and ultimately leaving my comfort zone.

Initially I moved in with an uncle and his daughter. They are a kind, Christian family and my uncle was vaguely aware of my spiritual beliefs. His only request was that I did not discuss my spirituality with his children. I was a guest in his home and I fully followed those rules. When I needed or wanted my time to practice my faith, I found a secluded area of the neighborhood and completed it there. I even kept a box of candles and tools in my trunk for such purposes. As I was living with my uncle I entered into a relationship with my now husband; also from a Christian family. 

My husband was never bothered by my Pagan faith or practicing of Witchcraft. Actually, he was always very supportive as it was apart of who I am and he has always loved me as I am. As our relationship became more serious, I decided that I was wanted to moved closer to him. At first I looked into renting an apartment and quickly saw that rent was to expensive. So, we asked his grandparents if I could move in with them and he lived on the same property with his mother. We decided that we would save money to get our own place. It seemed like the perfect arrangement and I was looking forward to beginning this new chapter in life with my beloved partner. However, the hostility towards me started almost right away.

As far as his grandmother was concerned, I could not do anything right. In her eyes the fact that I lacked cooking skills or didn’t always do things just as she wanted, seemed to mean that I was defective in some way. At one point in time she pointed her finger under my nose and let me know that I was “Nothing here!” She slapped me in the arm once because I was trying to get a point across and she didn’t want to hear it. Things around the home was fine as long as I was agreeable and did want I was told, yes I know it was rather toxic. To this day I am not sure what the problem was, but most things I did seemed to be a problem: from how I dressed to how much I ate. My husband says that it was them with the problems and not me. 

Even my husband’s sister seemed to want to make things difficult for me. In the room I was using I kept a bag of metaphysical books and tools. I also kept a journal and poured my heart out about all things, including how much I missed practicing magick freely. Well, I made the mistake of leaving that journal on my bed and my sister in law found it. Naturally, she read it and let it be known to all that I was a Pagan and fancied myself a Witch. To my shock it wasn’t a big blow out and it was something that was just swept under rug. I’m not sure what her end goal was, as I never confronted her about it. Needless to say we do not have a real relationship in any form or fashion. 

My spirit was really bruised at this time and I began to believe that I really was the problem; that if I just conform to the family then things would be more peaceful. So, I all but stopped communication with my mother, grandmother, and the rest of my family in Michigan. I have the wisdom now, that what I did was wrong but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing or something. My personality became very stoic and serious. My boyfriend (now husband) noticed the changes in me and was rather disheartened about it. One evening he turned to me and asked, “Where is the woman I love? I miss her spirit.” I assured him I was right there with him and I was fine. He let it go for a time. Shortly after this I made the irrational choice to give up Paganism and Witchcraft entirely. I decided that I really didn’t need it. 

So, one day while everyone was out of house I gathered up my candles and duffle bag of tools and books and put it in the back seat of my car. At the time I was a CNA at an assisted living facility and there was a large dumpster behind the building...I had a plan. After my shift that night I drove my car around to the dumpster and tossed everything into that trash. I looked back into my car and found a single piece of Citrine on the seat of my car. For one reason or another I couldn’t bring myself to throw away that little orange stone. I instead I put it in my glove compartment. I was satisfied with what I did and knew that it was the right thing to do for my situation and relationship. However, I will say that I cried the whole drive home. When I told my boyfriend what I did and all he could do was frown at me. He then let me know that he never wanted or would ask me to do such a thing and was sad that I tossed everything. I assured him once again that I was just fine and did not need magick in my life. 

I lived like this for about a year. It was a rather dark period in my life as I was depressed most of the time. I was getting along with his grandmother just fine, but I just felt lost. His grandpa (whom was always the most kind to me) said I wandered around the house in a daze when he was not home. I just didn’t know who I was or what I was doin with myself in any capacity. I’m not sure what my motivation was for me to return to The Craft. I guess there was not one situation or another that drove me back to where I belonged. 

There is a wonderful metaphysical shop in Thonosassa, Florida called Mystickal Scents, that became a haven for me. I would often leave to go to work early so that I may spend time there. A lot of times I did not even buy anything; all I did was soak up the energy and the owner Pearl was only so kind to allow me to do just that. In the year without magick I lost a lot of knowledge and spent quite a bit of time relearning a lot of skills and information. It was at this time that I felt the presence of the Blessed Goddess Brigit call to me. Her warm, flame of inspiration made me feel a passion for life again. Through Her guidance I gained a new purpose  and entered into nursing school. I’ve learned wonderful life skills in order to honor her and thank her for takin my hand in hers when I needed it the most. What I learned the most during this time is that when you have magick in your heart...never let it go.