The Area 51 Raid: A Personal Account

DISCLAIMER: This story contains a lot of cancer and cringe, it was written in the span of a couple hours and zero proof reading, this is not representative of the author’s true writing capabilities and is purely for the meme

The blinding sun stung my eyes as I sat up in the van. I looked up at my college roommates there were five of us all sitting in the minivan. September 20, 2019 today was the day. I looked over at Felix as he opened his AlienWare backpack and fished out his Naruto Uzumazki Hidden Leaf Village headband.

“Don’t lose your way! In your mind we have to be as one!” Jack in the driver’s seat sang

“Don’t be afraid! My sweet heart this way to be more strong!” Marcus, our Scottish roommate sang in his thick accent.

I opened my bag and grabbed my Akatsuki hood and my matching headband that I wore to Katsu Con years ago.

“Yo Ian pass the gamer fuel and the Doritos!” Felix said to me.

“Hold up we might be out.”

“Man Jack I told your ass we needed to stop at the 7-11!”

“Mate that parking lot was a fucking nightmare.” Marcus said, “Look like DC traffic trying to get in there!”

“Thank you Marcus!” Jack called.

I found a single can of Mountain Dew Gamer Fuel but no Doritos. I handed the Moutain Dew to Jack. He took it and put it in the cup holder and then spun around as there was nothing for us to hit on the way there.

“So boys, you ready to clap some alien cheeks!?”

As if waiting the entire six hour road trip, Felix smirks, and opens his bag, and out comes a roll of a dozen golden Trojan Magnum condoms.

“Them Area 51 guards aren’t ready for this Big Dick Energy.” He proclaimed.

“Pause.” Andy said, our freshman housemate spoke finally taking of his headphones.

The video on his screen was a nearly naked man in a American flag thong dancing to some song where a guy in a deep voice said “You Got That” over and over again.

“We must be close, I got no signal guys.” Andy replied.

“Ah will you survive without your YouTube addiction?” I teased elbowing him.

Andy flipped me off as we pulled up to the large group of people already there. I saw someone standing on top of the car doing all sorts of crazy poses while blasting Sono Chi No Sadame and leading a bunch of other people to dance along. They all stopped dramatically as their was a pause.

“JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOJO!” They screamed along with the song before going back to dancing.

It was like if 4 Chan and Reddit were a place, and amped up to 11. As we parked the van and Jack powered down the van and looked at Andy. Andy smiled and pulled out a gigantic bong from his bag.

“Let’s do this!” He exclaimed, “This that dank kush son!”

It didn’t take him long to get the bong set up and ready to go we puff-puff-passed it around the weed numbing us to whatever fear we had. They couldn’t stop us all, we were going to liberate the US government, and we were going to protecc them alien waifus, and clap some alien cheeks. It didn’t take us long to finish the weed, when we climbed out of the car we all looked like something out of a YouTube parody video. My Akatsuki cloak billowed in the wind. I looked as another squad of Naruto runners came out of a van painted up with Hatsune Miku all over it. There was a Neko girl with them she wore a miniskirt and pantyhose and blood red contacts, she was also carrying a baseball bat.

“You the Naruto runners!?” A tall guy asked, he was dressed in crusader armor and had Deus Vult written on his sword.

“Yeah bro.”

“They’re getting ready to discuss the battle plan up there. “ He said pointing with his sword which I think might have been real.

“Thanks dude.”

“Deus Vult!” He proclaimed.

Weaving through the crowd of people was a nightmare, we had to get through an entire group of soundcloud rappers rapping about how they were going to bust a cap in them guards asses and bust a nut in them walls. I couldn’t help but laugh at that one. There were people in Addidas track suits squatting like true Slavs.

There were a few Star Wars cosplayers with lightsabers and Darth Vader masks. There was a large group of furries too, in full costume saying Uwu at each other. Some of them were decked in tactical vest and had guns, I couldn’t tell if they were real or not. The sun wasn’t fully out yet and people were already amped and crazy, I heard a helicopter fly overhead and saw what looked like Fox News logo painted on the tail. There were news trucks and people Naruto running on camera.

This was better than any convention I had ever been to. We neared a large tent everyone got quiet. I heard the sound of a motorcycle and looked as the biker rode through the crowd.

“You’re breathtaking!” Someone shouted as the main in a full suit and shades rode through on a Yamaha bike.

The man had long black hair down to the base of his neck, he stopped the bike and climbed off dramatically.

“NO.” He said as he gripped his shades, “You’re breathtaking!” He exclaimed, ripping the shades off.

“Dude holy shit that’s Keanu Reeves!” Jack exclaimed.

I couldn’t believe it, he actually showed up. He tucked the shades in his suit jacket and grabbed a AR15 off the back of his bike and loaded it. He then turned to everyone with a sincere smile.

“Now let’s go!” He said raising the gun.

I felt like I was in Return of the King and we were about to storm Mordor. Keanu then went into the main tent he smiled and nodded at us dumbfounded college students and entered the main tent. We timidly followed behind him shaking as we did. When we entered the tent we found a full hacker set up a Kekistan flag, a table with maps of the compound, and a dozen guys in Halo Spartan armor with the leader in a Master Chief costume with a Kekistani flag on the back. He had to be RaidMasterXDD42069, the guy coordinating this whole thing.

He was on a Ninentdo Switch blasting Megalovannia and playing Smash Bros while two Spartans and a Doom Slayer sat at desk with giant tower PCs playing classic WOW.

“Are you Naruto runners?” Master Chief asked as he paused the Switch and sat it down.

“Yeah we are!”

“Alright join the Discord server for Naruto runners. We’re just waiting on the Blizzard fanboys to show up.” He said.

He then looked at Keanu Reeves, “Thank you for coming Samurai.” He said doing a military salute.

“This is your show, just tell me what to do.”

“Feel like being the first one inside Mr. Reeves?”

Keanu smirked.

“The Naruto runners, you’re a first wave, your goal is to distract the guards until the signal is given.”

“What’s the signal?” Andy asked.

“Oh you won’t miss it. Trust me. I can’t tell you in case someone’s sold us out. Just be ready to Naruto run fast as fuck boys!”

“Oh fuck yeah!”

“Make your way towards the front lines.”

He then turned back to Keanu Reeves, “Once the signal goes off, you and everyone else will charge the perimeter and storm the place.”

“Whoa.” Keanu said.

As we left the tent, I heard something else I never imagined, “THEY’RE PUTTING CHEMICALS IN THE WATER TO TURN THE FREAKING FROGS GAY!”

Alex Jones. As we all stepped out of the tent, there was a giant RV with InfoWars on the side and Alex Jones standing on the top. But he wasn’t alone, riding behind him in a decked out Prius with Ayy Lmao written all over it and alien stickers with the song Bitch Lasagna blaring, rode behind him. It stopped at the center and out came none other than the Youtuber himself, Pewdiepie. Wearing his own merch and aviator shades.

“Bro fist!” He exclaimed to the onlookers.

This was the Internet Olympics opening ceremony. As everyone lost their minds, we made it to the front lines and there we could see the massive compound down the hill below us. I checked my phone and entered the discord for Naruto runners. I looked through the instructions of the plan. Just as it said on all the meme pages we were to Naruto run at them, the Naruto run would make us able to dodge their bullets. I spent weeks mastering the art running with my arms behind my back at top speed.

“Yo first one in gets the rest of the weed.” Andy said.

“You got more weed, you holding out on us ya cunt!” Marcus complained.

“Hey gotta make this interesting.” Andy said getting his warmup stretches in.

“Hey Marcus if you die we get to split your Guinness stash.”

“Like hell you fucken wankers are!”

Jack fixed his neon blue hair and took a heavy puff of his vape, “Remember don’t break formation.”

“Hey Area 51” Pewdiepie shouted through a megaphone, “You some Bitch Lasagna!”

I could see them they had Humvees , machine gun nests, and gunships waiting for us. Any sane person would be scared, but we knew, were about to make history. And besides, they couldn’t kill us all. Our phones all went off in unison we looked at the sever. RaidMaster posted something

I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU HOW I’M FEELING

Before we realized what it was, Rick Astley’s song came on.

“NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP! NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN!”

“That’s the sign!” The Naruto runners shouted.

“Runners!” RaidMaster shouted through speakers, “Eirianchīku o shimeru!”

That was it.

We ran, wind whipping at our faces, we dived off that hill. Felix even threw a dab as we glided through the air and landed on the sands. I heard a loud bang on my left that drowned out everyone else.

A pillar of sand, dust, and smoke erupted into the sky. Landmines! It was too late to back down we kept running forward. More landmines went off I looked over my shoulder as a group went flying into the air. We were getting closer to the Humvees.

Their guns were trained on us and I saw the muzzle flare as they started opening fire. Bullets rushed past me I watched as other runners zig-zagged, bullets passing by harmlessly. Some weeabo with a katana charged head on.

I watched bullets shred his trech coat but he kept charging the Humvees. He got close to the soldiers, but a lucky shot knocked his fedora off. As if it was a shield, they were suddenly able to hit him and he fell to the ground caked in blood and clutching his sword like some Anime last stand or something.

I didn’t have time to see the rest. The drugs had finally cleared the humor of the memes. We were trying to dodge bullets fired from train solders like a kids cartoon. This was real. I watched more landmines go off and then the gunships got involved hitting the runners with clouds of tear gas and shooting at them.

I looked ahead of me, Felix was still running he jumped over a few bodies and kept going forward. I felt a bullet hit my cloak and the force of it almost made me break formation. But I had no choice now, I had to see this through.

As we got closer to the perimeter gates, the machine gun nests began attacking. It was a slaughter, like something out of Saying Private Ryan. I watched dozens of runners get yeeted by the US Military. Then I heard something that filled me with M O T I V AT I O N.

DÉJÀ VU!

I’ve just been in this place before

Higher on the street

And I know its my time to go

Calling you

I looked back at the raid camp above. They were still cheering us on! The whole world was watching, we couldn’t give up. RaidMaster had a plan. I had to believe that! I tripped on the body of a scrawny emo kid with a body pillow in his hand of Astolfo from Fate. I looked up as the machine guns ripped into everyone rushing past.

“Lost your nerve cunt!?” Marcus asked as he grabbed me, “Come on mate we’re almost there!”

I nodded but I realized how fucked we were. There were hundreds of runners, but now I doubted we had a hundred.

“War. War never changes.” Someone said as they crawled forward, dragging themselves across the sand.

I kept going, knowing we would never step foot in there, and my virgin ass was never going to get in them alien walls. I saw Jack ahead of me and I watched a bullet slammed into him. He fell to the ground. I screamed and ran over to him.

“Jack!? Jack!?”

Jack’s headband cracked in two and fell to his sides. His eyes opened slowly.

“My head band.” He grumbled.

I looked at his forehead, it was bruised, but there was no wound. Marcus and I helped him to his feet. We hung back as the others still charged forward, and none of them even made it to the gate. It was hopeless. But then I heard something, a loud chant.

“ZERG! ZERG! ZERG! ZERG! ZERG! ZERG!”

“FOR THE HORDE!” Another group sounded.

I looked up, charging down the hill from one side were a bunch of people in makeshift StarCraft 2 armor, and on the other side were a bunch of people dressed as World of Warcraft characters.

“They did it!? They really did it!”

We watched as the military turned their attention to both large waves. I watched them keep going no matter how many of their comrades were cut down. My phone vibrated, I checked it and saw. He was counting down in text form. When it hit zero, someone stepped forward amidst all the chaos. He adjusted his suit and walked forward.

When he spoke, I realized who it was. Ben Shapiro. He pointed forward and spoke. He destroyed the gates with facts and logic.

“Hey Area 51 guards, if you’re so gay why haven’t you become a mod? Military destroyed.”

The Humvees flipped into the air and the ground exploded like a Michael Bay action scene. The guard’s heads imploded under such devastating logic and reason.

People charged through the fire and flames.

“The guards might have not been liberals, but they were destroyed anyways.” He said walking forward.

A guard tried to point a gun at him, “The democrats gun control laws will not stop gun violence. More people die from drug overdoses than gun violence according to the CDC.”

The guard’s arm trembled, he fell to his knees clutching his head in pain I watched his head balloon to the size of a watermelon, and then explode. Ben calmly wiped some brains off his suit and kept going.

“WE WATCH WAKALIWOOD!” Someone shouted through loud speakers, “SUPA FIGHTA ACTION! THE TIGER IS IN THE CAGE!”

I looked back, everyone was moving in. Pewdiepie sped in blaring Bitch Lasgna from his Prius, “Fist bump bros!”

He called as he rode over a gate and over some panicked guards. Keanu Reeves raced past us on his bike and one handing his AR 15 at the guards. Then I heard Smash Mouth. I looked over my shoulder a green Ogre descended from the heavens like a angel.

“Shrek is love! Shrek is life!” Andy shouted despite being caked in blood.

Shrek turned to him, “Hey now, you’re an all star. Get your game on go play!”

As his words pierced our souls. I watched the dead suddenly sit up looking around in confusion. Shrek floated across the battlefield as an angelic choir of Shrek voice continued to sing All Star.

“And they don’t stop coming and they don’t stop coming and they stop coming!” They sung.

Felix sat up and the his severed arm was suddenly back with a green flash.

“Let’s go clap them cheeks!” He shouted before Naruto running into the base.

We followed behind him. Keanu climbed off his bike and started hitting the guards with crazy kung fu moves in the distance while Alex Jones chased them down calling them demons. It didn’t take us long to find a way in, looked like Ben Shapiro had blown a whole in the wall. We followed inside and raced through narrow corridors. As w rounded a corner a squad of furrys in full suits broke down a large door

“Let’s rescue the ayy lmaos!”

I looked inside, expecting to find something, instead there was a bunch of game systems and rifles on the ground.

“Must be further down?” Andy said.

It didn’t take us long to find an elevator and a bunch of unconscious marines lying in front of him. Keanu stuck his head out of the elevator doors, “You fellas going down?”

“Yes sir!” I said.

He gestured for us to get in. He then swiped the keycard and the elevators started down. He swapped out the magazine for another.

“Huge fan of your work Mr. Reeves.” Felix said extending a hand.

“Thank you.” He said shaking his hand, “You guys in college?”

“Yeah.”

“Nice. What majors?”

We each told him our majors.

“Physics, that’s an important one.” He said to Marcus, “That’s a tough, but keep at it man, world always needs more people in STEM, especially after we lost Steven Hawkins.”

“Wow he really is as wholesome as the internet says he is.” Felix said, “Can you tell us anything about Cyberpunk 2077?”

He winced, “Pretty sure CD Project Red wouldn’t like that very much, but its awesome! I’m really glad I got to work on it with them.”

“Can you get us an early copy?”

“I’ll see.” He smiled.

The elevator doors opened and we saw people in Hazmat gear with cattle prods fighting four creatures. They walked on all fours with big black eyes and long snouts.

“Are those, alien dogs?” Andy asked.

Keanu’s face went cold as he watched the hazmat guys electrocute one of the gray alien dogs it cried out in pain.

We were suddenly on the set of John Wick Chapter Four.

He unloaded on the hazmat guys, security in high tech armor came after him. He kept blasting them even when his bullets bounced off. When out of ammo he tossed his gun away and drew a handgun and kept shooting.

“Go On! I’ve gotta save the doggos!” He shouted as he twisted a guard’s arm behind his back and pumped several bullets into his back.

“Guys!?” Jack asked.

We looked over to find him exiting another elevator with a rifle in hand, “We made it boys!” I said.

The alien god sat up and cooed at us, it then ran to the elevator and pressed the button to go back up, without us. We snapped pictures of the other one while Keanu fought the guard trying to attack it. Then we decided to go further down the hall and we entered a large hangar.

Inside there was a large ship.

It was a UFO. It red and had a strange alien symbol on the side of it. As we got near, a door opened on the side of the ship.

“Edgy! Do you have it!?” A nervous voice spoke from the ship’s door.

“Oi will you fucking cunts get out the way!” A voice shouted from behind us.

We turned to see…something.

It was about our height, carrying a strange rifle with spikes all over it. The alien wore a black jacket with a red interior. It had long red emo hair, and its body was covered in black and white feathers. He shoved his way past us while holding a glowing hexagon looking device with a pulsing core inside. His hands were flippers, and as he walked past us, I realized what he was.

We saw some kind of fucking penguin.

“Todd fire up the ship I got the core, and tell Hylus he owes me double for this shit.” The penguin said. His red eyes focused on the ship.

“Um excuse me.” I said.

The penguin spun around, “Oh right that retarded raid is today.” He said.

“Are you an alien?”

“No I’m Mumble from Happy Feet, fuck kind of question is that?”

“Wait, did you break into Area 51!?” Andy asked.

“Hell yeah! You think I was going to pass on all the Hex cores and tech you humans lucked up and found?” he said his red hair hiding his much of the right side of his face.

“What’s a quantum core?”

“A very valuable, and powerful element used for all sorts of stuff. You’re lucky these cores haven’t been activated yet or half your planet might’ve gotten wiped out.”

“How did you get in here?”

“Warp drive.” He said as I noticed the bag on his back full of alien shit.

We watched him board the ship and there was another penguin there, this one was bald and wearing a visor that glowed purple. He waved awkwardly at us, “Hello humans, please step back we’re about to warp out.”

With that the penguin climbed back inside and we watched the ship close. The ship hummed and glowed brightly, it began to shake violently and the entire area shook. We saw the red haired penguin in the cockpit with a blond haired penguin with a joint standing behind him. The penguin flipped a final switch and then pushed a big red button.

I cant’ quite describe what happened. One minute the ship was there, and then it wasn’t. There was a blinding glow followed by a thunderous clap, and then there was nothing. The ground below as torn up.

“We just talked to an alien!” Jack exclaimed, “Dude I got a photo the ship too!”

He showed us, he got a good photo of the red haired one and the blond haired one too. We stayed there for a little bit, and then found a large cell block. We found the door already open. We went inside and found hundreds of thin scrawny aliens about two feet tall with large heads.

“Whoa! They’re grays!?”

“Hello humans.” One of them spoke, this one had a strange crown on his giant head, “We’ve been expecting you.”

His mouth wasn’t moving. But I could hear his voice, we call could, like it was coming from multiple places at once.

“Expecting us?”

“Yes.” The leader spoke.

My phone vibrated, now I understood. He spoke through our phones!

“We have planned this very thing from the beginning.”

“What are you talking about?” Jack asked.

The alien floated off the ground so he could look us in the eye, “The memes Jack!” The alien boomed, “Area 51! Clap them alien cheeks? They can’t kill us all? Area 51-Chan?” He continued, “Since the internet began to grow. We have been interacting with the outside world through memes. We are the architects of meme culture!”

“No way!” I said.

“We have been here since Rick roll, since the rage comics, the troll faces, the lenny faces. It was all our doing. We’ve been preparing you for this moment. And now the internet has come to free us.”

“Did RaidMaster know about this?” I asked.

“Of course. Ever noticed why the base’s security is barely working?”

“So… what happens now?” Felix asked, “Do I get to clap some alien cheeks?”

The alien king tilted his head to the side. “Cell block two. Have fun. We are going to our ship and leaving this place. Hopefully that penguin didn’t steal all of our fuel.”

The other aliens packed up their stuff and exited the cell block. Felix immediately sprinted towards the cell block 2. We were curious to see what was in cell block two. The doors opened and we found a large chamber and cells. Inside each cell were tall alien with long tentacles for hair, light green skin. They were wearing orange jumpsuits and they were far too tight in all the right or wrong places, depending on your point of view.

Felix was all over it and opened a cell.

“Come on baby you’re coming with us!” He said.

The alien titled her head to the side, “I can’t sneak past the guards. I’ve tried before.”

“You have?” I asked.

“You see, I’m dummy thicc, and the clap from ass cheeks keeps alerting the guards.” She said her tentacles shaking awkwardly.

Felix looked at her ass, she was dummy thicc. However something else in another cell got my attention a cat girl, several cells full of them.

“Alright let’s get them out of here.” I said.

We freed them all and made it to the other hangar, and this time we got to see an alien saucer blast its way through the roof and fly up. We went back to the elevator. As we did, we discovered the alien girl wasn’t lying. Every step she took, her booty loudly clapped.

When we got to the elevator, we were ambushed by a squad of guards. They pointed guns at us all and demanded the alien babes get back to their cells.

“Ah fuck.” Felix said.

A wall of light slammed into the guards and fuckign vaporized them, and the walls behind them. We looked over as the smoke cleared, our lord and savior Keanu Reeves stood with five alien dogs standing around him. He was holding an alien gun it was up to his forearm and smoking.

“This gun is nice.” He said, “You boys ready to go?”

“Yeah.” I said.

We climbed into the elevator, the aliens girls awkwardly stood with us. When we left Area 51 we exited to find everyone gazing up in awe at the alien ship above. Lights blared from the ship, sweeping the desert and the battle. We all watched as the ship blasted an array of light high into the skies above, and then it blinked out of existence.

And we got to see it all.

And now people want to raid the Vatican to clap some demon cheeks.

Shoutout to Sin Theory in my Discord for his input and @ErwinBlackthorn for the Shrek inspiration