Becoming Myself

I have spent ample amounts of time observing myself internally and through my camera. Not because I am a sociopath, but because I have been trying to figure out who I am for 28 years. My life has been okay when looked at from an external perspective. I have a mom, a dad, a step mom, a step dad, a brother, a half  sister, another younger brother, a younger sister, and a step brother. This, unfortunately, is what a "normal" family looks like in today's world. 

It is easy to assume that someone was raised just like you given the external perspective, however it is unequivocally never just that simple. Although my parents split, unfortunately for me,   it was a great thing for them. Growing up I have memories of my parents yelling, fighting, and being very violent with each other. This is partially due to my mothers insanity and my fathers (non)fucks given about pretty much anything except for my mother picking and grinding at his gears just to get a reaction that she did not enjoy. It was a shit show to put it lightly. One of my first memories is of them yelling and my father punching a hole in the wall next to my mom. In their defense, they were in a tough spot financially with two kids. At the same time I have to say that they were fucking dumb for having two kids so young without having their shit together.

Outside of their marriage they were no better when it comes to the snark and little jabs at each other. This was more unnoticed by them than it was me, being a child trying to figure out myself in the world. After baseball practice it was always, "did you see him and his new girlfriend?, she is such a bitch", or "Your mother is such a bitch". Not great for a child to hear about his parents. It got more obvious the older I got, for obvious reasons. I would spend several minutes holding my hands over my brothers ears while my "parents" talked shit about each other to me or their new spouse. He does not remember much of this stuff and hated me for a long time because he did not understand why I had such disdain for our parents. I became a rebellious teenager very quickly!

If you guys want to hear more details let me know, I plan on continuing my blogs about family life growing up (in greater detail) and my perspective on my military experience. Please subscribe to read more about my life and various thoughts in my head. Also, please check out my YouTube page and especially my twitch channel to chat with me live. I love nothing more than being a personality and a gamer.