2 Year Mark

Yesterday, June 10th, was one of the harder days for me.  Well....you'd think it was harder....or hardest.  Mom passed away in her sleep on that day two years ago.  Instead I found that the two weeks prior were the worst.  I would out of nowhere feel the air escape from my lungs, my stomach would feel as if I were punched hard as if reality would just hit me out of nowhere.  She is gone.  

This feeling usually officially starts around late January when she was originally diagnosed with terminal cancer.  I had no real indication that she was not well.  She would mention neck and hip pain but would brush it off as nothing.  She would mention brain fog but would say again....it's nothing.  Her handwriting started to change.....attributed it to just getting old.  She seemed like she was okay with where life was and she always had high aspirations.  

Then cancer happened.  

I would travel back and forth three separate times..once with one sister and I traveled the second time to be there for my baby sister in the best capacity that I could.  I tried to take charge and I guess I tried to "fix" things like Mom would also try to fix.  I tried to care for her while also trying to care for my own small family; a husband who was also trying to juggle everything while I was away as well as a geriatric dog who was my soul mate.  In the end I nearly lost it all.  Mom passed away before I could return because I trusted the hospice nurse's assumption of when she was going to go or not.  Three weeks later I lost my beloved pet. I was heartbroken.  I'm still heartbroken.  

You might see this in my artwork.  I'm trying to work through it all the best way I can.  You might see some seriously disturbing content....be warned.  I am working through pain,  

l have had a few people try to pray for me.  I feel awkward as they passionately reach out to their spiritual father.  I allow it because I feel it makes them feel better but I still hear and feel only silence and solitude.  One customer from my day job gives me a rubber wristband that says "cancer sucks".  It sucks....but it feels more profound within ....and the wristband...although the gift was probably felt heartfelt...in my soul just feels cheap.  

My Mom was probably one of the most magical people I've ever known.  I still feel her hand on my shoulder as she looks at what I may be working on and I still expect her to turn a corner and ask me "What'cha doing sweety?"....only  to sit beside me and tell me the story behind what treasure I might have come across in the trailer she spent her life until her dying breath.  

I was the one that had to view her one last time before cremation.  I was the one that had to choose what to keep when I wanted to save it all.  I had to stand there while people tried to express their sympathy, meanwhile feeling like a dark void replaced my heart.  z

A year later my father remarried...disowned me, my brokenhearted sisters and disappeared.  

My reality is shattered and my art is my way of picking up the pieces.  

You're in for a ride I'm afraid :/