Harry Potter parody book one

“stop calling me a mugger!” screamed Vernon as he ran back to his neighborhood, leaving his car in the parking garage of his work. As he reached the driveway, he saw the cat staring at a map. He blinked, which then the map disappeared and the cat looked at him, “Oh shit.”

“Did that cat just say shit?” Vernon scratched his head. The cat just meowed at him. He figured he was hearing things, so he ran into the house. Petunia is covered in baby food because Dudley flung food at her as she tried to feed him. She turned to Vernon, “Isn’t Dudley a perfect baby?”

“Ah yes he sure is.” He pinched Dudley’s cheek which then Dudley bit him hard that it drew blood, “He’ll make a fine young man.” He walked away, ignoring the bleeding finger.

Later in the evening, the news caster grinned at the camera, “Well there seems to be quite a ruckus today, we have a lot of frogs falling out of the sky and rivers of blood. On serious news, everything is fine in London. Return to sleep my fellow zombies…” the screen went to a grey screen with the words, “technical difficulties, please stand by.”

“Say petunia dear, for some reason I’ve been thinking about your sister…” Petunia smacked him, “it’s me you love, not her!”

He rubbed his cheek, “No, no, no I mean I was thinking about what her baby must be like. I bet it’s all scaly and ugly and everything.”

She smacked him again, “Well whatever it is, it’s not going anywhere near my precious baby.” She looked at Dudley who was stabbing a toy car with a plastic knife.

Dumbledore walked into the neighborhood and took his old lighter, “I need a smoke real bad… I mean…” he took out the streetlamps and then turned to McGonagall, “Oh Professor McGonagall, don’t tell the board directors I tried to smoke.”

She turned into a human and smiled, “Oh Dumbledore, the stuff I heard in this neighborhood, I wanted a smoke myself. Also, you hear the news about the Potters?”

“Oh yes, terrible, terrible business. Such a shame. Well, at least the baby is alive. Hagrid is bringing him.” He nodded and took out a packet of lemon drops, “lemon drops?”

She shook her head, “No, I don’t trust Hagrid. The last time I asked him to grab some melons, he grabbed Madam hooch.”

“He was being comical, besides, I trust him with my life. Which ironically, I don’t value my own anyway… spoiler alert…. Never you mind, never you mind. Lemon drops?”

“I said no.” She said hotly.

“Oh shit… now you’re not going to start with that …” McGonagall rolled her eyes, “Oh relax, I’m not like these millennials! I’m more like… what Americans would call ‘the greatest generation.’.”

“What’s so great about you?” Dumbledore joked. She rolled her eyes again.

A loud rumbling of a motor bike came as Hagrid lands onto the pavement, “I have the child!”

“Shush, don’t wake the neighbors!” McGonagall shushed his harshly, “I knew I should never let you watched the movie Willow!”

Dumbledore stood up and took Harry from Hagrid, “Thank you Hagrid.”

“Dumbledore, are you sure it’s wise to leave him with these muggles? He’ll be hated and despised for being a white boy. And a wizard.”

Dumbledore sighed, “Let’s not turn this into politics Minevera, besides it’s better for him here.”

As he set the baby by the door, he took the package of a letter and a package of lemon drops next to him.

“It’s dudley’s birthday today!” Petunia squeals at her 11 year old son who is munching down a third bar of giant chocolate bar, the size of a beach ball. Harry walked into the room, dirty and skinnier than a skeleton. She looked at him with a sneer, “How dare you? How dare you exist? Get to cleaning.”

Vernon sat down on the chair, “Dudley, you got 37 presents this year.”

Dudley’s eyes widened, “But I had 38! Why do you hate me so much? What did I even do wrong?!”

“Oh my sweet Dudley, don’t worry, we’ll buy you two more presents when we go to the Zoo today.” Petunia reassured him. It was a big mistake as he started jumping up and down gleefully. The whole neighborhood shook.

“Bed news Petunia, Mrs. Figgs got hurt and can’t watch Harry today.” Vernon said, looking nervously at Dudley who stopped and his eyes widened again.

“He’s not going with us, no matter what!” Dudley screamed and threw a chair across the room. Vernon cowered under the table and Petunia kneeled before her son, “Oh Dudley almighty lord and ruler of the house, what can we do to appease you? Your greatness?”

Dudley stood there, looking dumb as the day he was born, “huh?”

“Tell you what Dudley, Harry will only go but he won’t get to enjoy anything you get to enjoy.” Vernon said, crawling out from under the table.

“I don’t mind staying,” Harry said, meekly he looked at the three angry faces.

“Who said you can speak? You don’t speak unless spoken too!” Petunia screamed. Vernon cleared his throat, “actually, I rather not let Harry stay. Don’t want this place to disappear like ma… shutting up! You’re going. But put this bag over your head, so no one would notice your abnormality and your wizard… I mean weird haircut.”

As they reached the zoo, Dudley began to whine, “Make the snake move! Make it do something! It’s my birthday and I demand to be entertained.”

“What do you expect the snake to do, dress in drag and do the Hula?” Said Harry under the paper bag, which turned out to cover his entire body too. Petunia smacked the bag, “Shut it!”

They walk away from the snake with Dudley muttering insults at the snake. Then Harry turned to the snake, “So sorry about that. He’s a real prick.”

The snake moved his head, “Oh I had worse senor.” He said in a stereotypical Mexican accent.

“Wow, a Brazilian.” Harry said and then Dudley came barging at the window, “Wow! A snake moved! Come to me my pet! Let me use you like a toy!”

The glass vanishes and Dudley fell in. Harry laughed and Petunia loses her mind as they reached the glass that reappeared as Dudley is on the other side, “OH MY GOD! MY POOR BABY!!”

Vernon turned to Harry, “You revealed your abnormality and your wiz… weird haircut again! No food for a year!”

“get the mail.” Vernon screamed at Harry. Harry then retrieved the letters and found one addressed to him, “Wow… I never received a letter for me since some weird old man put one next to the lemon drops on me. Which I never got to eat by the way…”

“Oh my god, Harry has a letter!” Vernon screamed.

“You bastard!” Petunia screamed too.

Looking confused and frightened, Vernon grabbed his letter and threw it in the fire.

Days and days went by as more letters kept appearing everywhere so much that the Dursleys were freaking out.

As Sunday rolled around Vernon smiled. “fine day Sunday. You know why Dudley?”

“I like to eat Sundaes too! I want hot fudge sundaes! 12 of them!” He roared. Vernon freaked. Harry meekly said, “No post right?”

“You miserable little tosser, yes that is right. Damn you for being smarter than Dudley. No food for you.” Vernon growled. Dudley turned to him, “But you said I’m smarter than my cousin Harry!”

“No, I was boosting his self esteem as I was boosting yours. Ah shit.” Vernon cringed and then letters flew out of the fireplace and started flooding the living room.

“Quickly, let us flee! To the Dursley Mobile!” vernon grabbed Harry before he could grab a letter and ran out the door with two of the fleeing members of the house behind him.

After a long a tiresome journey, they find a hut in a small rock somewhere. Hagrid bursts through the door, “I smell blood of an English family!”

Everyone jumped.

“I demand you leave at once sir,” Said Vernon with his shotgun pointed at him, “You’re trespassing.”

“Oh,” Hagrid smirked, “but I’m with the brute squad.”

“You ARE the brute squad!” Vernon yelled, “Wait, what are we talking about?”

Hagrid ignores him and heads over to Harry, “You’re a wizard.”

“No,” Harry said, “That’s not true! That’s impossible!”

“Search your feelings, you know this to be true.”

Vernon looked at them with confusion, “I’m confused here. We have no wizard here. He’s just a poor boy from a poor family, spare him his life from this monstrosity… Why the hell did that come out weird?”

“Whatever, I’m taking Harry to buy stuff for school, Hogwarts.”

As Hagrid brings Harry to the leaking cauldron, he introduces him to professor Quirrell. Who stutters a lot

Hagrid: Harry this is Professor Quirrell, the Defense against the dark arts teacher.

Harry: Please to meet you.

Quirrell: P-p-please to kil…. Meet you. Yes.

Hagrid: Ok, got to go, would somebody stop touching Harry for fuck sake?

Hagrid: This is Diagon Alley. Be sure you keep your hands to yourself when visiting gringotts. Goblins bites.

Harry: What’s that?

Hagrid: A letter.

Harry: What’s that?

Hagrid: A key

Harry: What’s that?

Hagrid: Your vault.

Harry: What’s that?

Hagrid: Your fortune.

Harry: What’s that?

Hagrid: My fist if you don’t shut up!

Draco: Oh… hello there. What’s your name?

Harry: Harry.

Draco: My family raised me to be a stuck up elitist with no common sense or kindness.

Harry: I don’t know if I should pity you or hate you.

Hagrid: Here is your owl.

Harry: Wow, my first actual present since forever!

Hagrid: Now, let’s get your wand.

Mr. Ollivander: We’ll be seeing interesting things with your wand and the dark lord’s.

Chapter six

The journey from platform nine and three-quarters

Harry: Uncle… I need to take a train ride to school.

Vernon: Oh my god *Sobs*… our lives are ruined *sob* by that *Sob* *sob* giant’s presence. If only *Hic* *Sob*somebody hadn’t dumped you on our *Wheezes* *Hic* *Blubbers* doorsteps… *Normally* ok let’s go.

Harry: That’s funny. The ticket said 9 ¾. There is only 9 and 10.

Molly: Wizards coming through.

Harry: Wizards? Wow, I’m a wizard too. Excuse me… how do you get onto platform 9 and ¾?

Molly: Oh my, a starved homeless child.

Harry: no actually, I’m a wizard too.

Molly: *Paused* … You just found out about that didn’t you?

Harry: …Yes…

Molly: Ok, the way into the 9 and ¾ is to run headlong into walls.

Harry: … uhh…

Ron: Watch me. (Runs through the wall)

Harry: HOLY CRAP!!!

Molly: Now do that.

Harry: O…kay.

Ron: Hi, I’m Ron Weasley. The compartments are all full, can I sit in yours?

Hermione: Hi. I’m Hermione and I’m a talkative one.

Harry: Wow, people are actually talking to me like a friend. I never had that since… forever!

Draco: Join us. Join the dark side. It is your destiny.

Harry: Uh… no it’s not..

Draco: Then, I shall hate you daily and stalk you and spy on you, and talk about you all year long.

Harry: Wow, just wow.

Ron: You don’t get out much do you?

Harry: Uncle Vernon keeps me locked in a cupboard my whole life.

Chapter seven

The sorting hat

Sorting hat: Hello, I will sort you into your houses.

Ron: My brothers said we were going to go through terrible tests.

Harry: *Gulp*

Sorting Hat: Let’s see… shall I put you into slytherin?

Harry: I really am new here, but for the sake of my new friends I made, I rather not be in slytherin.

Sorting Hat: Seriously? You’re judging a house you never heard of before because your friend told you a spiteful assertion? But of course, I’ll comply to your bigoted request.

Dumbledore: Ok, kids, don’t go to the Forbidden forest or the third corridor. It spells out death for you.

Harry: He’s just kidding right? Right?

All of the students: … *Whistling and twiddling their thumbs*

Snape: And so now I see a boy that look oddly like his father.

Quirrell: Yes, but let’s make the mother the most important thing in the world, instead. Because fathers suck, right?

Harry: Hey Percy, who is Professor Quirrell talking to?

Percy: Oh that’s Snape. He hates everybody.

Chapter eight

The potions master

Snape: Ah, Mr. Potter. Our new Celebrity. So tell me something, why do you look like your father?

Hermione: Ooh, ooh, I know!

Harry: I don’t know sir, I just got started here.

Snape: You’re stupid and you’re just like your goddamn father! And by the way, ten points from Gryffindor for your cheek!

Harry: Wow, had I been in Slytherin, would I still get points deducted then?

Chapter nine

The midnight duel

Madam Hooch: Flying lessons today. Ok, everybody mount your brooms.

Neville: Oops. I broke my arm.

Hooch: Nobody do anything until I get back! *Takes Neville to the hospital wing*

Draco: Hey, I can fly!

Harry: So can i!

McGonagall: And I caught you!

Harry: Oops. Don’t lock me up in the dinky closet with nothing to eat for weeks.

Draco: Having the last supper Potter?

Harry: Take this bread for it is my skin…

Draco: Making a mockery of me are you? Midnight! Duel! Trophy Room! Bring a date!

Harry: What?

Hermione: Don’t you two go out tonight. You can get in… hey! Where are you going? Come back here! I’m not done lecturing you yet!

Hermione: I can’t believe you’re doing this! I almost told your brother Percy!

Harry: Go back to bed.

Hermione: I’m going to lecture endlessly all night.

Neville: Sweet! Can I come too?

Ron: Good grief!

Peeves: Out of bed little firsties? Little squirts can’t sleep? I wouldn’t expect no less from little firsties. Hell I wouldn’t expect the Spanish inquisition.

(Dramatic chord)

Spanish Inquisition: Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition!

Filch: What’s all that noise precious? My precious. They have come to take my precious!

Hermione: Quick! Through the door!

Ron: Umm… for some reason there’s a three headed dog in here.

Harry: RUN!

Ron: How did we manage to close the door?

Hermione: Did you two notice the trapdoor it was standing?

Harry and Ron: No. How the hell did you noticed the trapdoor?

Chapter ten

Halloween

Harry: Ooh, I got a package. And It’s a broomstick!

Ron: Oh I never even got to touch it.

Wood: Ah yes, that is a very nice broom. Well, here’s what you got to know about Quidditch; Keeper, goals, chasers, Quaffle, beaters, Bludgers, seekers, and snitch.

Harry: Are you saying Quidditch players seek to keep anything they chase and beat them?

Oliver: Huh? No, no, no, no. Keeper defends hoops, Chaser passes the Quaffle, Beaters beats the Bludgers, and Seeker gets the snitch and ends the game with 150 points extra. Now go catch all the ping pong balls.

Flitwick: Right, now let’s try it again with the nice wrist movements we’ve been practicing.

Ron: Gah, why can’t I do this right?

Hermione: For crying out loud Ron, I can do it better than you!

Ron: Pity the bloke who marries her!

Everyone who read the seventh book: (Snickers)

Quirrell: Trolls! In the Dungeons! I think I’ll feint, I mean faint!

Dumbledore: That’s bad right?

McGonagall: (whispers, shocked and wide eyed) Professor.

Dumbledore: Oh quite, quite. Ok, everybody follow the head boy and head girl to the common room.

Ron: Think we should find Hermione?

Harry: Yes, let’s.

Troll: Oh my goodness, I just got the runs.

Harry: Hey, it just went into the girl’s bathroom.

Hermione: Eeekkk!

Troll: Uuurrgghh! Human! Squish it! Oh I must squish it! Oh the runs!

Ron: We got to knock it out!

Harry: I got my wand up it’s nose!

Ron: Oh jolly good, that’ll take care of him. (Sarcasm)

Troll: Nooo! I got the runs…. (Thunk)

McGonagll: Oh my goodness. Five points for sheer dumb luck!

Snape: Dumb mutt… ooh, there’s a troll in the girl’s bathroom.

Chapter eleven

Quidditch

Snape: Filch, I have this bite on my leg…

Filch: Damnit Jim, I mean Snape. I’m a janitor, not a doctor!

Harry: Professor, can I have my book back?

Snape: Get out! 10 points from Gryffindor.

Harry: I think Snape tried to get passed the three headed dog and he had send that troll in the dungeons.

Hermione: No, Snape wouldn’t do that.

Wood: Time’s the time we’ve been waiting for!

Fred: Yes, we know. You just told us that 5 seconds ago! And five seconds before that! And the one before that too!

Harry: Do people get injured in this game?

Wood: Kid, people die in this game.

Harry: My broom’s acting up!

Hagrid: Cor blimey!

Hermione: Snape’s jinxing the broom!

Snape: Cor blimey! I’m on fire!

Harry: Cor blimey! I nearly swallowed the snitch!

Wood: Cor blimey! We really won!

Hagrid: Snape wouldn’t hurt Harry.

Harry: What about the three headed dog?

Hagrid: Who told you about fluffy?

Harry: Fluffy?

Ron: Fluffy?

Hermione: Fluffy?

Ron: Floppy?

Harry: Flaccid?

Hagrid: Stop that! Now, Snape didn du nuttin! Nothing going on with Dumbledore and Nicolas Flamel!

Harry: You just keep giving us information aren’t you?

Hagrid: Silence! Tell anyone of this and I shall make you suffer under the Chinese water torture!

Chapter twelve

Mirror of Erised

Draco: I feel sorry for people who don’t have a life.

Ron: Can I help you Hagrid, even though you’re twenty times stronger than me?

Hagrid: You’re a toothpick Ron. These trees are like moving an immobilized 18 wheeler.

Draco: Are you that desperate for money Weasley?

Ron: I really couldn’t hate you more than I do right now!!

Snape: Fighting Weasley? Ten points from Gryffindor!

Harry: Wow, talking chess pieces.

White Knight: What are you doing there?

Black Bishop: Come to worship Jesus?

White Pawn: I pwned your ass!

Black Queen: Off with their heads!

Black Pawns: Off with their heads!

Black Queen: Off with their heads!

White pawn: Quit shouting for pity sake!

Black Knight: The black knight always triumphs! Have at you!

White king: Look, I’ll have your leg! Right! (Whock)

Ron: Cor blimey!

Harry: We got presents!

Ron: Let’s open them!

Harry: We never did much at Christmas.

Ron: why?

Harry: I was given gerbil food and a coat hanger.

Ron: No no! My mum made you… a sweater!

(Dramatic Chord)

Harry: Cor blimey! I got a cloak. An invisibility cloak. It was used by my father? Who got this for me?

Hagrid: *Kisses McGonagall*

McGonagall: Oh Hagrid stop (Giggles)

Harry: Good grief, now the idea of looking for Nicolas Flamel inside the library will take forever.

Book: OHMYGOD!!!!!!!

Harry: Great, just what I need; books that yells. How am I supposed to find Nicolas Flamel here?

Filch: Where is “something I cannot find?” oh where could that “something I cannot find” be?

Harry: I wonder what’s behind door number three?

(Enters the room)

Harry: Oh my, a mirror called “Erised”

Readers: Ooh, ooh! I know what that is! Desire! I can read backwards!

Harry: Oh my, I can see my whole dead family!

Ron: (After Harry went to get him and came back here with him) Oh my, I can see myself with all the glories I ever wanted!

(Later)

Dumbledore: Hello Harry. I see that you like the mirror. Too bad, I’m going to put it away somewhere else.

Chapter thirteen

Nicolas Flamel

Oliver Wood: Look’s like Snape’s refereeing

Ron: Cor Blimey!

Hermione: Don’t play Harry!

Harry: Can’t, have to.

Neville: Draco picked on me. Want a card?

Harry: Hey look, there’s Nicolas Flamel! How did I not notice?

Hermione: Flamel made the Sorcerer’s stone! It can grant immortality and gold. Lots of gold.

Harry: Anyone would want that. There’s no way no one wouldn’t want that.

Chapter fourteen

Norbert the Norwegian ridgeback

Hagrid: Come on in Harry, Ron, Hermione. Allow me to introduce the dragon Egg I found.

Harry: What do you know of the stone, Nicolas Flamel, and Fluffy?

Hagrid: Let’s not talk about it shall we? Keep it shush up. If only I knew a memory erasing spell.

Hermione: Obli…

Harry: Hermione! Shush!

Norbert: Hi, I’m actually female.

Hagrid: Isn’t he adorable?

Norbert: I’m a girl.

Ron: Let’s give him to my brother Charlie. He works with dragons.

Norbert: but the dragonborn lives there.

Draco: Professor McGonagall, He has a dragon.

McGonagall: Are you snooping around, spying on Harry? My goodness, are you in love with him?

Draco: huh? No way!

Ron: Ok, Norbert is off to Romania. Let’s head back.

Filch: Caught you. Well, well, well we are in trouble.

Chapter fifteen

The forbidden forest

McGonagall: So, you three are out strolling around right?

Draco: I told you they are.

Neville: Hey Harry! I heard that you guys got a dragon… a chess board with dragons. As pieces. Yeah… no actual dragon around here. Yeah.. I guess I best be going.

McGonagall: No so fast, all of you will serve detention.

All: whaaaa… *Pouts*

Filch: Too bad I can’t torture kiddies. Now excuse me, I got something to do.

Filch/Walder Frey: Here’s to the young wolf!

Hagrid: Ok, let’s go put a unicorn out of its misery.

Neville: I don’t want to be with Draco. He keeps talking about Harry and that he wanted to…

Draco: Beat the living bejesus out of him because he had me in detention.

Neville: But that’s not what you … ow!

Harry: You put yourself in detention. Spying and Stalking me?

Hagrid: Alright, Harry you go with Draco.

Draco: Wow, a nice stroll in the forest with you…

Chapter sixteen

Through the trapdoor

Harry: Something bad is going to happen.

Ron: Ya think?

Harry: Hagrid, what did you say to the hooded man about fluffy?

Hagrid: Oh, I said play a little music and… oh fuck.

Harry: Professor McGonagall! We need Dumbledore! We’re in danger!

McGonagall: In London, why?

Harry: Looks like we’re on our own.

McGonagall: what was that about?

Fluffy: You again?

Harry: *Sings* In the end, it doesn’t even matter. One thing, I don’t know why, it doesn’t even matter how hard you try, keep that in mind I design this rhythm to explain in due time.

Hermione: *Sings* sweet surrender…

Ron: *Sings* Happy birthday?

Fluffy: That was so lame! *Snores*

Hermione: Oh Snap, the devil’s snare.

Harry: I better catch the key.

Ron: Ya think?

Key: Oh man! Twice! I’m caught twice!

Ron: Oh look a chessboard. I can beat this game.

Harry: Wow, Ron, you sacrificed yourself so we can win! Now, we need to drink a potion to cross this? Which one should we drink?

Hermione: Allow me to use my incredible logic. That one.

Chapter seventeen

The man with two faces

Harry: What the… Quirrell?

Quirrell: *Sings* The jig is up, the news is out, they finally found me!

Voldemort: shut up. SHUT UP!

Quirrell: I did it all. Snape tries to save you. Now, what do you see in the mirror?

Harry: Not myself putting the stone in my pocket of course.

Voldemort: He has the stone in his pocket! Kill him!

Harry: Ack! I’m in danger!

Harry: Dumbledore! Voldemort has the stone!

Dumbledore: Nope. It’s destroyed. Now, your scar is legend. You are famous. I will not tell you everything until you’re 16.

Harry: Why?

Dumbledore: Because I’m a fool.

Dumbledore: Looks like Slytherin is in first place.

Slytherin: YAY!!

Dumbledore: It would be the case had I not got few more points to reward. Hermione’s logic is excellent 50 points! Ron’s daring bravery and ability to beat chess 50 points! Harry’s bravery and heroic deed 50 points! Neville’s bravery 10 points.

Slytherin: WHAT!!

Hagrid: Here Harry, a photo book of your family. Oh and you can threat your cousin with magic. They just don’t need to know you aren’t allow to.

THE END

#harrypotter #comedy #parody #humor #funny