game of thrones parody part 1

In the beginning, there were few men in the freezing cold. one of the ranger said, "I found me some dead people."

"Oh really?" said the other one, "did you check and identify the bodies?"

"No, they're wildings and they're dead."

"You're afraid of the dead."

"Am not."

"Are too."

As he said that, a blue and white chrome dome robot whistles by.

"What was that?"

"The hell do i know? Let's find your dead buddies to verify they're dead."

they head to where he said he saw the bodies. There was nothing there, not even a drop of blood.

"Are you sure this is the spot?"

"yes, yes, they were there. All dead and stuff."

"was there blood?"

"I don't know."

The man face palms, "You don't know. You... wait..."

A blue figure shows up and starts cutting their heads off. Except for one, who manages to escape.

the other blue guy comes along, "You're not going to kill him?"

"He'll be dead anyway. Didn't you read the books?"

"What are books?"

"Oh, never mind."

BRAN

The little stark boy climbs up the walls, chasing little ravens all over the place. His mother calls him down. She said, "Oh bran, when are you going to learn? STOP CLIMBING UP THERE!"

"Yes mother." He said. After she left, he resumed to climbing back up there because kids.

Later, he was riding along with his siblings, including the bastard Jon Snow. He was a bastard because he killed Kenny. He was also not born of a stark, that too made him a bastard. How dare he? They reached their father who is swinging his sword against the knelt man with his head on the block. His head rolls around as Theon Greyjoy takes great joy in kicking it like a soccer ball.

Ned Stark comes to Bran, "Quiz time my boy. Why did i kill him?"

"Because he... stole an apple?"

Ned looked at him sadly, "No. He was a deserter and we kill deserters! Damn them all! Kill all them desertees!" he proceeds to cough, "i mean, he was a deserter and he took an oath. Well, now did that sight of beheading made you feel?"

"Like cutting carrots right?"

"Umm... yeah... if carrots bleed."

"Look my lord, your sons found direwolves." Jory said.

"Oh, she had an antler in her throat."

"Look my lord, she's a direwolf, a sigil of your house. The antler is of a stag, sigil of baratheon. Must be an omen."

"How convenient, a direwolf and a stag."

"Look daddy, puppies!" Said Bran.

"Kill the pups." Ned said casually.

"No, there are five pups, five children. two female pups and three male pups." Rob said.

"How... even more convienent." Ned said.

"Can we keep them?" Bran asked.

"Oh gods, not this again! Fine. But you're feeding them."

"Oh look, an albino pup. It's for Jon Snow."

"Way too convenient Mr. Martin!" Ned shouted at the sky. George Martin ignores him as he keeps writing about war and boobs.

After a while, Jory walks to the kids with their pups in hand, "What name did you give them?"

Rob looks at his pup, "Grey Wind."

"Oh splendid. That is a fine name." He moves onto Jon. Jon said, "Ghost."

"Well, that is splendid indeed." He moved to Bran. Bran shook his head, "Don't know yet."

"Hmm..." then he moves to Sansa. She smiles, "Lady."

"Lady? Lady? How original." He moves on as she frowns.

Arya grins, "Nimeria."

"Ooh, marvelous. Absolutely marvelous. Such a magnificent name for a direwolf." He turns to Ricken. Ricken smiles his baby smile, "Shaggy dog."

"Well... better than lady." Sansa ran off bawling.

The king and the Lannisters came to visit. Kind comes to ned, "let's visit your sister's grave."

"So typical of my husband, doing things. Cater to my needs!"

"Shut up bitch!"

They head to the crypt. Robert cries, "I want you as my helping hand."

"Ok, I need to talk to my wife."

____________________________________

Old nan was telling Bran a story as she knits. He frowns, "I don't like those stories. I want a scary one."

"Oh little lord, what do you know of fear," she begins, "fear is when you are forced to pay child support for kids you don't get to see as your ex-wife vilifies you. Fear is when people hate their own skin and wish death upon their own race because of grievance culture. fear is when your leaders have taken power to go and ruin the lives of the people they're sworn to protect. Fear is when the dystopian movies are looking more and more likely to be a reality for us all. Fear is when the game of thrones become a reality and people actually wish they were princes and princesses while they abuse and oppress people they claim were oppressing them! Fear is when the war, famine, and diseases are even more rampant because no one bother to study history and learn to get along but instead kill each other along down the fiery spiral of death straight to HELL!" she screams the last word. Rob comes in, "What were you telling him?"

She smiles, "A fable."

________________________________

Bran climbs on the wall like a sneaky little ninja. As he climbs up to the window of a tower, he saw what no child should be seeing; old Nan taking a dump. Them he climbs on, then sees the Queen having a giggity time with her brother.

“Oh my gods, there's a boy in the window.” Said Cersei, covering herself up.

“Say, how old are you boy?” Jamie asked.

“12.” Bran replied.

“I think I'll toss your ass over the windows, the starks wouldn't miss you right?” and Jamie tossed him over the tower.

___________

“Say little man, why don't you start flying?” The three eyed crow said.

“But I can't fly.” Bran said as he was falling.

“Hey, that elephant can fly, that pig can fly, and I've seen a horse fly. So little boy, start flying.” Crow said.

“Hey, I think I can do it.”

“Now let's see if I can't peck your brains out.” And the crow pecked at his third eye.

“Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.... His name is summer.” Bran woke up as the dream ended.

“Who?” Luwin asked.

“That's the direwolf's name now; summer.”

Luwin looks at him, “well, I guess that's alright.”

_____________________

“Come on Hodor, mush. Hyah, giddy up.” Bram rides on hodor’s back.

“Bran, I told you before, Hodor is not a horse.” Luwin told him.

“Hodor!” hodor said happily.

Osha, “that Hodor has a big one that's as big as a horse's.” she eyed hodor in the crotch.

Luwin shouted, “Osha! Not in front of children.”

“Oh please, we wildings saw everything when we were 6.” She laughed.

“Hodor!” he said as Shaggy dog came and charged at Luwin.

“Ricken, ricken control yourself.” Luwin shouted.

“Shaggy dog and I saw Daddy, you leave him alone.” Little baby Ricken waddled over to them.

“Your dog nearly tore my arm off.” Luwin said to him.

“This boy is like me in my younger days.” She smiled.

“Osha, please.” Luwin said exasperatedly.

“Hodor?” Hodor asked.

________________

“Bran, I'm sure your family is fine. They'll be back home and we'll all be one big happy family.” Luwin reassured him.

“Corn! Corn!” the raven showed up, with a letter.

“Oh my God, this is terrible news. Bran, I think you should sit down... Ummm...” he forgot that bran can’t walk.

“Awwwkwaaarrddd.” Osha said.

“Shut it osha!!”

________________________

“Well lady Stark, I suppose I can help you and your son cross the bridge to fight the Lannisters, but in one condition; your son should marry my granddaughter. One of them really.” Walter Frey smiled as he pointed to the women.

She looks at the women and had to hold back a scream. One had a very long face with buck teeth, one is plump with pig snout and crooked teeth, one has hillbilly teeth and has one eye, another looked like a hagraven, another a gollum with pink bow, another one had long hair with one eye showing, looking creepy as fuck. And finally, a woman who looked too much like a man.

She sighed, “I'm sure my son will love to meet every one of you. Your all lovely looking and would be so lucky to marry my son.”

A deep man's voice from the plump lady, “ah blow me lady.”

___________________

“Let’s see, the Baratheon line had black hair. But not Joffery. Oh my God, joffery is not Robert's heir. Oh what do I do?”

1) tell Robert

2) tell the Queen and risk getting killed.

3) don't say anything.

4) kill joffery.

“I think I'll tell the Queen.” Ned said.

______________

“But father, Robb wants our help.” Theon explained.

“Theon, you're a fool and I wish I dropped you over the bridge.” His father said.

“Wow, you're a hot woman.” Theon looked at the woman walking in the room.

“Surprise, I'm you're sister.” Asha said grinning evilly.

“Ah shit, shit, shit, shit!” Theon realized what he did with her.

“Now theon, I consider your sister as heir and I give her everything I should have been giving you. By the way, I have something for you to do.” His father said.

“Damn, what should I do?” Theon thought to himself.

1) tell Robb that his father wouldn't help

2) kill his father

3) take over winterfell and risk being emasculated.

4) do what your father said.

“I'll go take over winterfell.”

____________________

“You're not supposed to be here.” A really shoddy assassin said.

“Ummm, I'm sorry? I thought this is my home. Shouldn't I be saying the same to you?” Caitlyn told him.

“I'm not supposed to be here.” He said, looking clueless.

“Yes, so go leave.” She said.

“No one is supposed to be here. Nor is that boy in the bed. Especially not the bed. Nor should the raven be here, or the rain, or the rug. The carpet is not supposed to be here. Or the torches. That wolf gnawing my throat shouldn't be... Blargh!” Summer kills him by tearing out his throat.

______

Behind the scene

Robb, Jon, Arya, and Tyrion walked into joffety's room stifling a laugh. Robb began drawing a dick on his face and then Tyrion snuck up to him and screamed night joffery which they all ran as he woke up screaming.

_____________

“Now dear sweet sister, you will wed a Savage, and I will be King.” Visery said.

“Here he comes my lady.” The weird bearded man said.

Jingle jingle jingle, the bells jngled as Khal Drogo walked over to her. He looked at her and walked away jingling.

“What! Why did he walk away? You bitch, what did you do?” he reached to hit her, but the bearded man stopped him.

“Visery! She didn't do anything. Besides, if he didn't like her, you'll know.”

______________

“My dear citizens of King's landing, my mother and lady Stark wished me to spare this man. Illyn Payne. Bring me his head! Muwahaha.”

As the reader reading the book, he wondered, “No wait, they can't kill him. He's too important. He'll be rescued right? You can't kill off important characters right?”

Sching!

“This is impossible! How can this be!”

________

Joffery, “Sansa, meet hound. This is also sir Payne.”

“Ummm, nice to meet you sir Payne and sir hound.” Sansa said nervously.

“What's a matter little bird? Do we scare you? Hmm? Do we frighten you? Look at my face. Is that the most frightening sight you've ever saw? Do you not see! How metal we are!! “

Loud blast of guitars they got out and rocked their heads back and forth.

__________

“I hate you” sansa said.

“I hate you” arya retorted.

“No, I hate you more horse face.” Sansa said.

“No, I hate you more stupid.”

“You shut up.”

“No, you shut up.”

“No, you shut up!”

“Girls! I'm getting tired of your bickering. Also, I'm going to have you two return to winterfell.” Ned yelled.

“No, Daddy, why are you punishing me? Aren't I darling? I want joffery's babies! I want to be the Queen every girl wants to be.” Sansa whined.

“No Daddy, I still have lessons to do with my dancing master.” Arya cried

“Sent her home, she should be punished. She is the one who ruined everything!” sansa pointed at arya.

“No, send her home, I want to stay here and learn how to join the brotherhood, praise sithis. The night mother might make me her listener.” Arya said, with a devilish grin on her face.

“What?” Sansa stared at her, bewildered.

“Enough both of you! You're not being punished. Your just going home. My men are being killed and all Robert thinks about is how many bastards he can make.” Ned pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling annoyed.

________________

“Hey ned.”

“Renly? What are you doing here?”

“Listen, I can have my army hello take cersei and her son in captivity and we can put the true heir on the throne.”

1. Take his advice.

2. Refuse him and risk losing everything.

3. Be silent.

4. Kill cersei and joffery.

“I'm afraid I'm going to have to refuse.”

___________

Bealish, “you should take the gold cloaked soldiers to help you. You're powerless on your own. But I must warn you, can you really trust me?”

“Hmm…” ned wondered.

1. Take his offer and risk a backstabbing.

2. Refuse him.

3. Kill petyr

4. Kill cersei and joffery.

“I'll take your offer.”

__________

“Catelyn, I am surprised you would show up.” Petyr Bealish said.

“Yes, I have this knife that was meant to be used on my son.”

“Oh, this happened to be mine.”

“What?!”

“But I wasn't the one who tried to kill bran. See, I made a bet with Tyrion. So I lost and now he had this knife.”

“Why that imp!”

“Ooh, I am so fucking wasted!” a drunkard barged into the office.

“What the? Sir, you can't just come into my office.” Petyr said.

“What! I thought this was a brothel. I come as I please. Heh, come.” And he laughed, “And I said, come… hic.”

“I think you had too much to drink. “ Petyr reached for his bottle.

“Whoa! Never come between a drink and his man. Heh heh, and who is this lovely heifer?”

“How dare you, I am lady Stark of winterfell.”

“Ooh, sounds kinky.” He replied.

“I ask you to refrain from treating her this way. She is the lady of the house Stark, her husband is lord Stark of winterfell.” Petyr said angrily.

“Ooh, that's fine with me, I don't mind doing another guy.”

_______________________

“Lady Stark, how surprising to see you here.” Tyrion said.

“Hmph, and all you sirs in this tavern a white knight?” She looked around the Tevern.

“I sure am m'lady.”

“I too am a white knight, I have no balls.”

“Oh, I sure am a white knight, I never bed a woman before.”

“Ummm... Yeah. Well this imp here tried to murder my son.”

“What? That evil monster! How dare he! Where is he? I'll kill him!”

“Ummm... Down there.”

“Well let's kill him!!”

“No, not yet. I want to have him come to my sister's castle and answer for his crime.”

“Ooh, I want to come in her castle too.”

“Ummm... Not you. You stay. The rest comes.” Caitlyn edges away from the crazy guy.

_________________

“Shaggar cut off manhood and feed it to a goat.”

“You know shaggar, I couldn't help wonder something. You keep talking about manhood so much. I couldn't be sure if your trying to say you have a thing for men?” tyrion asked.

“Gasp! How dare halfman accuse shaggar of being homosexual? Shaggar cut off manhood! No likey no dicks!”

“Oh, is that why you keep all those magazines of men in your bed?”

“Halfman shouldn't have saw it! Shaggar...”

“Yes, yes I know. Say something original.” Tyrion rolled his eyes.

“Shaggar cuts off ... Your teats?”

_______________

“Oh Sansa, I hope you can forgive me for killing your dog.” Joffery said.

“You're so cute.”

“Ummm... Thanks. I have a present for you.”

“I want your babies.”

“Ummm... No.”

______________

“Arya child, what have I told you about the sword?”

“It's part of my arm?”

“Yes, now pick up the sword.”

“Now child, allow me to teach you how to poke people. Now Arya Child, what do we say to death?”

“Not today?” She asked.

“That’s right child, now say it.”

“Sorry Death, not today.” She said to the black phantom.

Death revealed his face, “DO I LOOK LIKE A JOKE?!”

_______

“I love taking a walk with you joffery.”

“Yes it is quite a lovely walk. Wait, you hear that?”

“Oh that's Arya, with some boy and fighting.”

“Oh boy, you shouldn't hit ladies.”

“But she asked me to duel.”

“Oh I see, so you think you're equal to a woman? Allow me to cut a hole.”

“You leave him alone!”

“Arya, stop defending boys, they're all bad. Except joffery.”

“Nimeria, bite him! Good girl, now run away.”

“You hurt my joffery!”

“Leave me alone you stupid bitch!” Joffery snapped at her.

_________________