How To Fire Your Doctor

I struggle with addressing conflict. I always have. I was raised that way, to avoid and deflect. As a child, when an issue arose, I learned this from observing the adults in my life as they would turn the other cheek time and time again. When I was younger, I was always meek and timid. I found myself lingering about with a lack of confidence and uncertainty in myself.

Now I am faced with many uncomfortable conversations about the state of my health and my body. While there is so much to address, I have this heightened fear built up inside me that directly parallels my past. But with practice, and sometimes as many as five doctor’s appointments a week, I am slowly uncovering a new side of myself. I am chipping away at the fearful child inside to expose the confidence and strength beneath, an iridescent adult. I am learning to be the one taking charge and leading the conversation about my body. I’ve finally found the courage to stand up for myself and my health. It is the only feasible way I can see to proceed on this journey.

The health care professionals I’ve worked with think they have indisputable claims about my condition. They hold a fairly narrow view of what they think my body has the ability to achieve without prescription drugs. They’ve now presented me with few choices of how I must decide to move forward with managing my disease. All options include a lifetime of toxic treatments used to suppress my immune system, keeping me weak and dependent on more medications. While I do respect and welcome all opinions and perspectives, I must take it upon myself to figure out the right path for me. The decision will never be in the hands of anyone else other than myself. 

Taking control of my health hasn’t ever been an easy approach to defend. I’ve come off as adversarial. I’m probably perceived as stubborn and have most recently been told I am being unrealistic. Unrealistic! That one just didn’t sit well with me this time. I’ve spent countless hours up late consuming information about my condition. Studies, statistics and anecdotes of others like me. For all of 3 months, this has been my life. This is what’s led me to be most comfortable with my decision of taking a holistic approach to healing. I now know what my body is capable of. I believe in my ability to naturally heal. No doctor will be successful at intimidating me to be convinced otherwise.

I am always looking for a personable relationship with those I choose to bring in to be a part of my health care team. It is a box that must be checked off my list of “must haves” in order for me to want to continue to work with an individual. As someone whose mission is to sustain healing and eliminate my symptoms naturally, my health is at the forefront of my life right now. It’s not a part-time gig on the weekends. It is a 24-hour-a-day commitment. So I need my doctors to be able to take the time to sit down and have a cohesive conversation with me, free from distractions and constraints. 

What I have been met with from most of the gastroenterologists I’ve seen has been quite the opposite. I am one of ten or more patients seen in one afternoon. I spend more time sitting in the office, waiting for the doctor to come in than I end up consulting with them. The appointments are almost always rushed once the doctor finally arrives, leaving me with a confused, uneasy feeling that I am somehow responsible for the miscalculation of time for my appointment. Go figure!

I now know what I don’t want in a doctor. It’s not like I’m asking for much. Especially when you take into consideration the $300+ they just racked into their pocket from our mere fifteen minute session. So I have taken the honor of “shopping” around for my health care team. I will not settle to be just another number tallied to contribute to fulfilling a doctor’s quota and ego.

There is something to say about the precious time spent (or wasted) waiting for your doctor to arrive at your visit. Doctors are often viewed as an idealized, elite figure. We step foot onto their territory and idolize them as gatekeepers available to bear the most essential knowledge needed for health. Right? But they’re also just humans like you and I. We all have the ability to access the same scientific studies and do the same research as they do (Ahem, internet access and PubMed). I am here to put in the work. I will not submit to blindly step into line and agree to the first medical suggestion that is put in place for me. 

This is why I’ve independently researched my condition in depth. I understand my symptoms and my triggers. I live ever so curiously in my body everyday, noticing the physical feelings associated with the foods I eat as well as the emotional triggers engaged as the day passes. This is the real knowledge needed to understand how my body functions and adapts while navigating my world. Learning to deepen my awareness is how I will continue to study myself. What I need from my health care team is support and guidance, not an ultimatum that leaves no room for collaboration.  

I’ve made some of the hardest decisions of my life in just the past few months when figuring out the best way to manage my new life with Crohn’s disease. Most recently, I was faced with the uncomfortable task of “firing” a health care professional from my team. 

I had been working with a nutritionist since September. She was incredibly supportive from the get-go, periodically checking in with me by text or calling to chat with me freely. Of course I appreciated this immensely. It was the personable relationship in a heath care professional I was looking for. She really took the time to invest in me and my health. Or so I thought.

When we first began to meet, I was considering the suggestion from my GI of an infusion treatment for life. Those were the times when my nutritionist was most responsive and receptive to the needs of my recovery. But once my perception changed, her support took a drastic shift along with it. I could receive the compassionate care I so desired, but she made her limits clear. What I needed was her to let me take the lead, while standing by me and respecting my decisions. Not someone who is only there on her terms.

I still struggled and tormented myself over the decision. I know I’ve done my fair share of research to ensure I’m taking a safe, responsible path. But the close-minded perspective my nutritionist decided to take gave me apprehensions of our future working together. Even after all of the progress I’ve made in a few short months of actively working toward recovery, she continued to shut down my vision of natural healing. The fear she continued to reflect onto me was anything but supportive. It will not assist me in the positive recovery I seek. While there had been so much we aligned with, my core values would be diminished if I continued to allow her to be a part of my healthcare circle. 

I always respect differences of opinion. But when it comes to my intimate health care decisions, I found myself constantly defending my perspective. I wholeheartedly believe in the path I have chosen. But if I surround myself with people who disagree with me, I will be even further from reaching the optimum health I desire. To manifest my healing, I must be supported indefinitely by my core people.

Ultimately, I accepted it was time to let her go. Before sending that treacherous email, I took time to reflect on the short history of our relationship. I was able to appreciate all the previous support and guidance I had received from her. With the closing of any relationship, there can always be a positive takeaway to be seen. I had learned and grown from our short connection. 

We must strive to nurture respectful and professional relationships, but when one party crosses a line, it must be addressed. We must value ourselves enough to protect the delicate aspects of ourselves from the unneeded people that happen to stumble into our lives. We must protect our precious energy from the invasion of a soul that is not welcome to interrupt it’s flow. 

When addressing chronic disease, opposite parties may have a difference of opinion, but we must be on the same page and remain respectful in order to proceed in a functional, receptive relationship. My nutritionist failed me in that arena. So I let her go. 

The path I have chosen is far from conventional. I’ve quickly learned that when you distance yourself from standard medical care, you’re met with much criticism. Questioning pharmaceuticals has only extended the distances between myself and those who solely believe in traditional medical practices. But I will not be deceived into fear by those who disagree with me. I will maintain consistency and keep the faith to persevere.