What others think about you is none of your business - my first 'hater' was someone I know

This week I received some negative feedback. It was the first time someone had something bad to say since I started putting myself  online and it was pretty harsh (according to me)

I was emotional at first and my reaction was to get defensive and try to prove the person wrong. Then I went to anger and finally I considered stopping sharing and deleting my account.

Eventually I realized I was being ridiculous. This article is about what the whole experience taught me.

So what happened?

I have been sharing stories on my Instagram feed regularly lately. I just talk about my goals; what I am doing to achieve them; how I am staying on track and what I am learning along the way. I’m doing it for the following reasons:

I have a need to express myself and this gives me an avenue for it

It keeps me focused

I’m learning as I go and I figure if I share that other people can benefit from it too or at least avoid making the same mistakes

I have received a ton of great feedback from people who like my stuff and have enjoyed my stories but one person in particular had something else to say:

"Your new Instagram stuff is strange; do you feel alone? I don’t understand why you think you have the right to be a life coach; it makes people feel wrong about themselves. After watching your videos I want to quit social media. It is all so superficial, it’s just for business, just for money... it’s full of lies, fake, cheating, just for profit and quick money."

I have paraphrased here for the sake of being concise but I think you can get the picture.

I read this as - this guy thinks I’m a scam artist. That I’m making up content to play on peoples insecurities and make a quick buck (couldn’t be further from the truth by the way – I don’t make any money (yet!) but if I did it would be for offering something I genuinely believe can improve someone’s life).

My first reaction was physical – my heart rate increased, my face went red, I could literally feel the blood rushing faster through my body – these are similar symptoms to what we feel when we are under attack. And to me at the time that was what was happening... I was under attack.

I got defensive.

'That is just not true – I am not asking anyone for anything'

'I never said I was a life coach!'

'I have a right to express myself – if you don’t like it just unfollow'

Then I got angry.

'How dare he?'

Then the feelings of inadequacy set in.

'Maybe he’s right. Maybe I should stop'

'I can’t be like other people on Instagram, what do I know?'

And then what happened?

Finally, I realized he was right about one thing even if it wasn’t in the way he meant.

I was being ridiculous.

There are two things to remember about these kind of interactions. When someone says something that offends you:

If you are taking offence, there is something about yourself that you have not accepted. There is some truth in what the person said that pushes your buttons

When someone says something negative to you it is almost never personal, it is not about you it is more likely about him or her. They are referring to a button you pushed in them

How this applied in my situation

Imposter Syndrome: Part of me thinks he’s right. I don’t have all my shit together. I don’t have everything figured out so what gives me the right to share my ‘tips’ with other people. In an industry with so many well-known experts and influencers, how could I possibly think I have something to add?

This person’s comment triggered this feeling in me.

The truth is that nobody goes through this life in the same way as anybody else. We all have different unique perspectives; it is because of this that we learn, and master, areas of life that are exclusive to us. I had not given myself permission to creatively take my strong areas and formulate them into a service to help others.

The other point of view is that the person was not actually talking about me.

Re-reading the comment objectively, it reads as though this person has a problem with social media in general, not specifically with me but with anyone putting their lives online and trying to share life strategies. I cannot say what exactly his problem is; maybe he would like to do something similar or even just change something in his life but doesn’t have the courage. Pulling down others doing it could just be a defensive reaction to protect his self-esteem.  Alternatively, maybe this person was taken advantage of before by someone they came across online and now I’m a trigger or a reminder. At the end of the day, it’s not for me to judge. We all have strengths and insecurities; it is not for me to say how somebody else should handle theirs.

One good thing that came out of this, besides learning the above lesson, was that a big fear of mine was dissolved. I was afraid to put my story online because I was afraid of how people would react. This refers specifically to people I know. Sometimes we are more comfortable in front of strangers because we don’t care what they think but we hide from people we know and care about because we want them to like us. This is a natural reaction that comes from a time when being outcast from your tribe meant death.

The person who sent me this feedback is someone I know and care about, but now that the thing I feared has happened, it doesn’t feel so scary.

This experience was not exactly the most fun I’ve ever had but it taught me an important lesson and for that I’m grateful for it.

Funny how life tends to do that to us.

So to finish off this piece I would like to end with a quote – I do love a good inspirational quote

"You will continue to suffer if have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you. True power is sitting back and observing things with logic. True power is restraint. If words control you that means everyone else can control you. Breathe and allow things to pass."

- Warren Buffet