Star Wars - As Food

I have been trying for a long time to express how I feel about Star Wars. It has been a few years since the last Star Wars film. I have finally figured out how I wish to express exactly how Star Wars is accepted among most people, especially Star Wars fans. 

1. Star Wars (aka: A New Hope) – Pizza 
Star Wars was the original name of the movie, it wasn’t “A New Hope” until the first re-release in 1979. The movie itself was different from any Sci-fi film before and it blew away everyone who saw it because the best up to that point was Star Trek the Original Series. Outside of that we’re talking about things like War of the Worlds and The Day the Earth Stood Still. All greats, but nothing encapsulated the imagination of the viewer like Star Wars except maybe Star Trek. Because they weren’t horror films wrapped in outer space. Pizza is one of the most widely accepted and loved foods among most people of the modern age. I know very few people who will say there is not any form of pizza they like at all. Everyone can find some form of pizza they enjoy, and that’s Star Wars. It has something for everyone and unlimited in prospects for future films. Look at how many fan fiction and even published novels came after the first film that didn’t transform into what we now know as the story. The Splinter of the Mind’s Eye was a major example of this. A GREAT book, that goes way off into left field from what we now know as the story of Luke. 

2. Empire Strikes Back – Ice Cream 
Just when you thought you were going to get more Star Wars came Empire Strikes Back. This sequel was darker, starting off with a sour note and although it was riddled with story and character development, it was a downer. The Empire kicks the Rebels off the most remote planet they could find just to hide. They chase our heroes Han and Leia across the most dangerous aspects of space, through an asteroid field, and just when we thought we had a break we discover we were inside a giant space worm. So they fool the Empire into believing they were gone, and found refuge with a friend, who betrayed them. We loose Han, and all this was simply a trap to capture Luke, who was pulled away from his training to be a savior only to see him loose his weapon and his hand, and be told he was basically destined to turn to evil by his own FATHER! It was AWESOME!!!! (Yes, even fighting a loosing battle can be a great fight and look to the future of turning it all around.) Ice Cream, the first time you ever bit into it it was harsh, cold on your taste buds and hurt!...like Hoth at night time, but then you realize how sweet it is, and you just want more!!! 

3. Return of the Jedi – Lasagna 
The first real disappointment given to us by Star Wars, Return of the Jedi was watching the end of the story knowing it wasn’t going to keep going. It was satisfying because it felt a lot like Star Wars and we got to see our heroes triumph in the end…..alongside a bunch of teddy bears. It was a bit weird. Like knowing what pizza is, and then being given Lasagna. Oh….it’s okay, yes it’s good…..but I can’t carry it anywhere and we can’t really top it with whatever foods we want, but sure…it’s good. 

4. Episode 1 (aka: The Phantom Menace) – Fried Chicken 
Finally! After years of waiting, we have new Star Wars!!!.....and it’s not at all what we were expecting. Like Fried Chicken, it was so different that we didn’t know if we should put pasta sauce on the side or just accept the Mashed Potatoes and Gravy that we were given with it. Later we realize that it’s still Star Wars, even when it wasn’t like before, and it felt really fun, and yes, there’s a lot there for kids, even when it came with coleslaw……which some of us could appreciate, but in all honesty, who really eats Fried Chicken for the coleslaw that was Jar Jar? 

5. Attack of the Clones – Cheeseburger 
So they set the stage, we knew what to expect….and then Lucas fooled us again. He handed us a full on Cheeseburger and fries. And we went….huh? Mmm…it’s tasty, cheesy, we can carry it with us…..it reminds us a lot of original Star Wars, but the underlying tones of rolling in the grass and the less than stellar performance of Hayden’s script (I still don’t know if we should totally blame him or just the script) It wasn’t Pizza, but it was enjoyable and we did enjoy it…..even though underlyingly we would long for pizza. 

6. Revenge of the Sith – Fine Chocolates 
The set up was a burger and fries,…so we really were kind of expecting something like it….and instead, we got something we already understood, but sweeter and more delicious than we could have ever imagined. Revenge of the Sith was the story we knew, the fall of the Republic, the Rise of Palpatine and the Empire, and of course, the creation of Darth Vader. But even though we knew it was all coming, it was WONDERFUL!!! We hated to love and loved to hate the story. We knew the Jedi would die, and yet we rooted for them and were completely satisfied when they died,….mostly. (Except for Kit Fisto, Agen Kilar, and Saesee Tiin.) We saw the greatest lightsaber duel of all time between Anakin and Obi-wan, and we saw Darth Vader on the screen one last time….or so we thought. 

7. The Force Awakens – Garlic Cheese Bread with Marinara 
The first in “Disney Star Wars” we were all rather excited that Star Wars was coming and Luke, Han, and Leia were coming back!!! We were going to get to see all of them on the big screen again. It felt so great!!!!.....then they brought out the main dish…..Garlic Cheese Bread with Marinara. We said…..”Wait,….I mean,……it’s not horrible, but where’s the pizza?” It tasted garlicy, and was smothered in cheese and we even got Marinara. So it felt like it should be Star Wars. Oh, and sure, you can carry it with you. But was this really Star Wars? 

8. Rogue One – Chicken Fettuccini Alfredo 
Arguably the best of the Disney Star Wars entities, Rogue One felt like Star Wars, the same as ROTJ, but it was totally different as there were no Jedi, and it had Chicken in it. We discovered it was pretty tasty, but where was the Marinara?.....Alfredo? What’s that? I mean, it tastes really good, but…..what’s happening exactly? In the end, we realized that we enjoyed it a LOT, especially when Darth Vader was on screen.  But it was decidedly the end of that story, as the characters would not return for any future films.

9. The Last Jedi – Balut 
We were excited, Luke was going to be on screen!!!....we waited for this meal, I mean the way you wait on Thanksgiving Dinner, eating way earlier the day before, and nothing for breakfast just to make sure we would be able to eat as much as we could when it came out of the kitchen……and then they served the much anticipated dinner……Balut. If you don’t know what Balut is, don’t worry, I’m going to tell you. We see Luke on the hill and like the covered dish coming out of the kitchen we all got excited, and suddenly he tossed the long lost lightsaber of his beloved father over his shoulder…….what is that horrible smell? As they sit the dish down in front of us we realize the smell is what they’re serving and suddenly our stomach turns south rather quickly.  As Luke slurped the green milk from an alien sea cow, they pull the lid off and the stench gets worse as we realize there is an egg in front of us. A duck egg. This isn’t the Easter eggs we are used to….not at all. We look around and everyone else is cracking open the egg….so we do too…and the stench gets worse as we realize the rest of the heroes of the movie are literally driving in the slow lane to nowhere. We open the egg to discover the slimy substance of a partially developed duck embryo inside, as we realize this story is really only about freeing the enslaved alien horses while leaving the enslaved children cleaning the now escaped alien horse poop. In walks the staff looming over us telling us that if we don’t eat it we’re simply toxic fans who hate women and diversity. We take an extremely reluctant bite of this disgusting product only to see that Kylo is going to face off against Luke after the barrage of AT-whatevers fire on Luke. He emerges like the puke from deep within our stomach as we finally rid ourselves of the vile disgusting taste and see Luke fight….but not really.  It’s finally over as we walk away from Balut, we see Luke disappear into the force. Oh sure, there was more movie, but what’s the point? The only thing that remotely reminded us that this was Star Wars was when the staff set the crumbled jar of Parmesan Cheese on the table. 

10. Solo: A Star Wars Story – Cauliflower Parmesan 
The Star Wars no one wanted after the Last Jedi, Solo was going to cover the exploits of Han Solo……with someone who couldn’t play Han very well. Like taking the blandness of Cauliflower, and covering it with Marinara and Parmesian, and calling it good, the only redeeming part of Solo was it wasn’t The Last Jedi. 

11. Rise of Skywalker - Liver in Marinara 
Maybe, we are going to get some consumable meat .maybe. J.J. Abrams, celebrated director was coming back, and The Force Awakens wasn’t horrible, so maybe he would save this? I mean it can’t get worse….can it? In the end, honestly, it didn’t get worse, but it didn’t taste good either. Liver in Marinara is like taking the meat you know you don’t really want to eat and putting it in Star Wars sauce and hoping it don’t make you puke. The characters were there….but we don’t really know what the hell is going on, and obviously neither do they...“They fly now?”  Oh yea, and what happened that the pretendpire decides it’s a better idea to use tracked bikes instead of,….oh I don’t know, the widely accepted swoop or speeder bikes that EVERYONE ELSE IN THE UNIVERSE uses? Probably the same thing that made them decide to hide the largest armada of Star Destroyers in the universe in the atmosphere of a planet where they can’t tell which way is up……don’t worry, at the end of this movie, no one could tell which way was up. Even the viewers were just glad they served alcohol in this theater…….oh wait……we didn’t have any alcohol. Who slipped us those ruffies? 

12. The Mandalorian – Spaghetti and Meatballs 
Meanwhile, on Disney Plus, a small faction inside Lucasfilm found some meat that wasn’t rotten duck, and made some meatballs, used some simple pasta and made us a nice plate of spaghetti. It wasn’t Pizza, it wasn’t even Lasagna, but it was Star Wars. At the very end, they even brought us a small sample of Gelato.