Grey

Flat, brown, and sleepy – this is what is on the mind. There isn’t much else. I sit at a dark grey formica table and listen. People come and go filling the space with motion and sound. I think I shouldn’t listen but I am one and they come in in clusters making basic observations about the donuts and the weather. A child comes into the building and wanders between tables. I don’t think he notices me. I am a rock and he is all frenetic energy, disrupting my meditation on the possibilities of the day.

After the boy completes his tour of the premises and leaves there is little structure besides the table and the cardboard coffee cup: lift, tilt, drink. At some point the caffeine will raise me from my stupor. Yet the sky is gray and so am I. Is this a grim pronouncement – maybe. Am I adding a bit more drama to the moment than is necessary – probably.

Its gotta be getting close to noon and I haven’t done a damn thing. I need to clean a bit at home. Rent is due. There is the video game to work on and Tony is dropping by later. Its not a bad day really.

I wish it was a bit more exciting. The night before could be said to make up for that – a couple beers, too little sleep, and a lot of laughter. I’m brought back to the start as a little man with a sleep clouded mind sitting at a cloud colored table watching the world pass on an overcast day.

People talk about a crises of loneliness: the cycle of despair and depression. On a number of bad days I have thought about suicide. I get another cup of coffee, and embrace the feelings of despair for an hour, or a day, or at it’s worse a week or two. I push myself to get out into the world. New events occur. Over time the feeling washes away through the simple passage of time, walking, and contemplation.

Solitude doesn’t have to be punishment or a mark of failure. One must learn to keep their own company. There is a wonderful freedom in taking oneself out for dinner or to see a movie. There is strangeness of the multiple facets of ones own personality. Who will I be today? In different circumstances different personalities come out, and while one person will know me by one set of attitudes, another person will know me by a rather different set.

We all play this game of minor interpersonal politics and so no one is really honest in social interaction. That wouldn’t be such a big deal if we weren’t surrounded by the howling miasma of ego/insecurity driven marketing machine that drives modern society. When’s the last time you looked at your phone? I’m sure it was quite happy to inform you that there is something more exciting happening somewhere else. It will tell you your sense of style is dated, your smile is yellowing, you don’t smile enough, your breasts are too small, your penis is too small, we can hide that for you with a snazzy new pair of overpriced shoes. Be louder. Be more aggressive. If Hollywood and Gillette razor blades are woke, shouldn’t you be singing the same tune? Don’t you want to be the biggest dick swinging ape on the block?

So we all fill our heads with a steady stream of equal parts narcissism and insecurity. How can one reasonably except to be able to stop and be alone with oneself. You can go and take a yoga class and become “mindful” its what the world tells you to do these days. Again you fail because this is just another reflection of what is expected. If the action taken is a reflection of the interests of others where do you fit in? Is this the cultural miasma or you making the choice?

I started writing this meandering piece a week or two ago and now we have this Corona virus to contend with. What I would invite those who are open to solitude to do is go out where people aren’t. Turn off that multi-media device that nags at you all day about things that aren’t all that important, and just sort out how you feel. Don’t try to feel good. There are plenty of people and situations that are trying to sell you the next buzz. Figure out what you are feeling now. Take all those ideas that other people have pressed on you over the years, and for a moment set them aside. Figure out how you feel in this moment engaged with the world. I would encourage you then to go over the ideas and feelings that other people have inserted into your life. Consider whether or not they are really useful to you. Dispose of those that are not. This is the true value of solitude, and it should not be taken for granted.