Prison Break! - Winning Freedom
In my blog entitled, "Me and the Mariana Trench", I shared that occasionally I would tell you stories of my "prison escape" from denial, fear, the Shoulds, and the all-powerful inner critic. This blog is going to be one of those stories
Blind Spots
When examining yourself, it's hard to see what you can't see. That's what a blind spot is. But hidden within a blind spot is something that needs attention, healing, liberation. It's hidden because there is pain, sometimes great pain at its root. It's basic human nature to avoid pain, especially emotional pain. As humans, we have devised an impressive array of pain avoidance strategies. For me, it's sweets, reading, TV and especially phone games. What is it for you?
But life has a way of revealing these blind spots to us through frustration, failure, unhappiness and in the midst of relationships. Of course, we usually ignore that message, sometimes for years. I've learned that if I will stop and listen and deal with what I'm being shown, that I can:
- Become a better person
- Get over stuff that is holding me back
- Experience joy and freedom.
- Achieve my dreams
Without further ado, here is my latest "Prison Break!" I have been experiencing these prison breaks for years, but this one literally happened two days ago.
Even though I have created an entire system to fully address these issues of buried pain and wounding and I intimately understand the process, (having created it myself) I still forget it exists and often stay stuck in shame and blame. I go back to my tried and true dysfunction. That's exactly what happened in this situation.
On the Outside - Again
I am a part of several groups and all of them are highly relational. I love those kinds of groups! But if you have unresolved issues from your past, there is a lot of potential for pain there as well. In one of these groups, I found myself feeling left out, rejected, and less than. I felt singled out for correction and criticism. Honestly, none of that actually happened. It just felt like it did. It felt VERY strongly like it did! At first, I tried to brush it aside and not react to it. Then, I tried to fit in and be more like the others in the group.
This is where I have lived my whole life - trying to be like others. I was completely unaware I was doing that for the longest time. Now, I am on the lookout for when I start faking it. In this situation, knew almost instantly that's what I was doing.
If I'm not able to brush them off and I refuse to fake it to fit in - then I have to experience those awful emotions. Do you ever have those feelings? What do they feel like for you? This is what they are like for me.
Those Awful, Ugly Feelings
Emotionally, everything is off-kilter and miserable. Something is very wrong and I'm in trouble for it. It overwhelms everything. Maybe I was happy or eager or focused or determined. But now, I am consumed with these horrible feelings. And I feel trapped in them.
Physically, my body is anxious and tense. My heart rate is elevated and adrenalin floods my system. I feel sick; my gut is twisting and writhing. Sometimes my head pounds like I have too much blood in it.
These emotional and physical symptoms vary in intensity. This time they weren't too wretched but still pretty bad.
The Quickest Fix
Now that I am really tuned into my feelings, I start blaming.
That is my life-long MO. And I tell you, I am good at it, having had so much practice. You know how there are foods that have no nutritional value at all; they are completely bad for you, like ice cream, french fries or beer?* They just taste so dang good!** Blame is exactly like that. It feels so good to blame! But there is nothing beneficial about it - absolutely nothing.
All Mine!
But I have trained myself to walk on a new pathway - ownership. These feelings are coming out of me, they are mine. No one made me feel this way. The actions of the other person just stirred up what was already there. I have learned to say, "I wonder why I'm feeling this way?" instead of what I used to say, which was, "You did this! You made me feel this way!" ***(I'm going to talk about this more in my next blog.)
That's just what I did with all those feelings I was having with my group. (After I did a little bit of blaming.) I took a really good look at my misery. I journaled how I felt like I was being told, "You aren't good enough. You need to be a better person, like the rest of us. I don't like you the way you are." I let my feelings out of the box I keep them in. I felt so rejected, excluded and pushed away from this group. They appear to be this beautiful circle of love and I can't be a part of it. I'm on the outside of love and belonging.
Of course, that was my childhood! All of that.
For those of us on the broken path of life, our broken childhood is never far away - waiting for the chance to screw us up.
The Question that Changes Everything
One of the truly revolutionary ideas I have learned, is to ask myself the simple question “why”. I will go into this more in another blog, but I'm telling you it's only one step below miraculous. Here's the question I asked myself,
"Why does being pushed out of the circle of love hurt so much?"
The answer: Because it's like saying, I'm not good enough for them.
Then, I asked the why question again. Why does that hurt so much?
The answer this time was: Because it means I'm a bad person, stupid and ugly. There is something basically wrong with me.
Then I asked again, why does that hurt so much? After all, there's something basically wrong with everyone!
The answer this time was: If I'm a bad person, that means everything is my fault. I deserve every bad thing I've ever gotten.
I have journaled this "Why does that hurt so much?" question in relation to my childhood damage many, many times. And it almost always comes down to the powerful root of believing that I am worthless. But not this time.
This time I couldn't go beyond this thought that I'm bad and deserve to be hurt and maybe even hated. I was at the core of the issue. As I pondered this, I got the sense that this was a very deep belief that went way, way back to the beginning of my life. It could have been a strong parental rejection before I was even born.
I considered the beliefs of my home and realized that our whole family believed this destructive concept. You're bad and deserve to be hurt. Or, if you get hurt, you deserve it because you're bad. What sadness and grief I experienced at this moment, not just for me but for all of us, including my parents.
Lies, Lies, All Lies!
When I got to the root of my pain, I went to work on it! At the root was a legitimate wound from someone in my past, maybe several someones. Integrated into that wound were self-defining lies. The pain of the wound powered these lies. As long as that wound was alive inside of me, the lies seemed like absolute truths. It's what makes real change so difficult.
I wrote out the lies and then called them lies. I said to them, "You have no place in my life. Get out!" And a lot of other things like that.
Yes! The Truth!
Then I said, "Here's the truth!"
The truth is that I am not a bad person. And I certainly wasn't when I was a baby! Or not even born yet.
Another truth is that I don't deserve to be hurt! That is a lie. I deserve love and goodness. We all do!
The pain and darkness were leaving and light and hope were filling me up!
I declared another truth. "I am the beautiful daughter of the most-high king!!! I am lovely and beloved. God created me for a purpose. My conception was a moment of great joy for him! He made me and said, "She is good!"
Can you feel it? Can you see it? The prison walls are falling! The blue sky is beckoning! Freedom is here!
At that moment, a wonderful idea came to me. I got right on my laptop and made this.
Is that not awesome?
Try it for yourself. Put your name in there.
God said, let there be ____________________
And ________________ was conceived and born on this earth.
And God saw _____________________ and said, “_____________________is good!
I taped this on my bathroom mirror. I read it out loud every time I'm in there. I've added extra words like, creative Connie, compassionate Connie, unconventional Connie. Oh the joy of knowing this is the truth of me. I was created in love by God, he has an incredible purpose for me and I deserve love and goodness.
I knew the words, “I was created in love by God,” before this. I knew the concept. I even believed it. But this time I EXPERIENCED it. These words became real deep inside of me.
Decades of pain and suffering are ended. A new path is open in front of me - a path of FREEDOM!
Will I slip back into my old way of thinking and believing? Yes, but only temporarily. I’ll remember and return to the freedom path. As time goes on, I’ll slip off it less and less.
My friend, this experience right here is why I’m so passionate about God. He is love and healing, joy and friendship, power and goodness.
How have you experienced healing from your deep wounds?
As I walk in more and more freedom from the pain and lies of my past, my brilliance shines brighter and brighter!
I want that for you.
What do you want?
Extras:
*Please don’t tell me that ice cream has dairy, therefore calcium or french fries are a legitimate vegetable or that beer helps you get your fluids in. I know you’re smarter than that. Right?
**Furthermore, please don’t tell me that tasting good can give food any kind of nutritional value. Just be honest and say, “I know these foods are horrible for me, but I still love them!” Then call me up and we’ll have beer, fries and ice cream together. Throw in some pizza while we’re at it.
*** There is still one person that I pretty consistently tell, "You made me feel this way!" That is my dear husband Alan. He loves me like there is no tomorrow. But he is not perfect. I get triggered way too easily with him. But I am working on that. He is very patient with me, but it can't be easy. Poor guy.