Radical Self Acceptance- _Understanding The Strange Angels of our world...

      It's about strengths and skills- Not how I don't have everyone's respect. I am a unique person birthed individually like everyone else into a world I didn't create. The world that bare's the original sin of mankind- women perverted alongside man. 

             Long Ago with Ancient Mistakes- I say can't a great angel redeem and reprimand the past. Through so many ages have past where no one ever forgets the worst they've done either. As long as mankind and Womankind equally find each other's fault the most appealing part we are still lost. When will we fully accept this whole earth experience of living as humanely possible-we are still handicapped. 

            I often wonder why all the strange events, situations or experiences have to happen when I’m most stressed in my life. My life had become better and I truly felt I was on my way and going to make a breakthrough in the world of art and music. I knew at least I was on my way as I had been working at it all for a majority of my life.

Holding a part-time job on the side and mainly doing so much networking between friends who were artists and musicians. My focus was all split up, trying to be a great painter, drummer friend and make a little money too. I remember always using city transportation and that was getting to me as well. So much can happen the longer someone is exposed to the grime and chaos of a metropolis.

                  I had little time at home and not much sleep. I remember praying about it all constantly going through that madness, somehow, something had to give, break and some place in this world needed to manifest for myself. Especially after a life time of instability, being hard up poor and it seemed like adversity was magnetized to me everywhere I would go. I guess I was wanting too much but it felt like I was only asking for a break however big or small it would have been.

           Eventually all the stimulation and little sleep or down time took me way out into deep space. In all the exhaustion when someone doesn’t know how to ask for help the ego is going to fracture, fall apart and there is no more filter for the unseen, unknown or impossible to happen anymore. I was well on the way for absolute chaos to commence as far as I was concerned I never considered that all that energy for years building up would take almost 6 months to blow off.

                   The only break that happened was my mind shattered into so many pieces I could not be a good robot anymore and I went full tilt; The wild cards being drawn all the time.

                    I ended up telling a co-worker off at a simple little job that was giving me some monkey money anyways. I took off mid-shift and bolted home in a rage, transportation showed up right n sync and somehow I was simply home like I had expended no energy at all with walking a whole lot as well.

                 I still hung on to the art and music community though they knew I was not doing well. Extra energy and time began to translate into experimenting with old, unused electronics and otherworldly components that I fashioned and integrated together. I began thinking that I was assembling some kind of super technology that I did not fully understand. This felt like mind control and that I was under some kind of programming. I simply could not stop doing this all like I was somehow in charge of defusing a nuclear bomb from going off. The tension, stress and fear was unreal and the damage to my well being, family and friends around me was too much.

                       There was many hospitalizations that occurred within this year but I could not calm down. This energy had to work it’s way out of my mind, through my body until I was completely done, decimated and the outcome  was substantial.

                    I’m not going to illustrate what sciences or electronic engineering I was experimenting with because this is not a technology journal. All I can say is that my mother and I both started to notice an abundant amount of activity around the complex. People in black suits and shades seemed to almost crowd at times around our apartment porch area and paced back and forth. I remember I was very angry at George W. Bush and his presidency at the time, hatching hostile ideas verbally over the phone. This was before Edward Snowden accepted exposing and validating a huge conspiracy. The fact that I was acting peculiar and police were involved in continually escorting me to psychiatric hospital annexes.

                     There was awhile when I was tampering with electricity connected to strange combinations of salvaged electronic components, large glass containers of water and crystals and connecting these between my Television and cable line. I would also combine plugs to feed electricity in one plug and back out again in another to form a loop. My mother was beyond stressed with me at the time had to send me off for weeks at a time besides the psych ward visits. I truly felt tortured with this all at the time too like it was out of my control too as I stated it felt so much like a program or mind control.

                         One day I was out on my porch suffocating on a cigarette back when I still had the habit. There were no men and women in black suits and shades around but what happened was beyond me at the time. Two huge shiny black plasma orbs appeared and were making a large buzzing sound like bees. They behaved like they were scanning or searching in tandem with each other along the wall where I had some strange electronic/electrical system plugged into the cable and phone lines. I could hardly believe what I was seeing, like a cinematic 3D CGI sequence from a Science Fiction movie was going on before me. I could hear these sounds realistically and see what I now know as holographic 3D motion projection. It was all very vivid and it was done to scare me away from doing anything more. I believe somehow out there in the high tech communications worlds I was alerting sensors and possibly could have been used to create some kind of transmitter or beacon. I believe with my history so far that I could have been implanted with a program of mind control. It could all be contrived making up many imagined conclusions from information about strange occurrences.  I cannot say for sure and it could be total bullshit!

                     I never experienced this in my life and have no education in any electronic engineering, physics or science well at all. I was a blank slate for all these things that I was experimenting with to achieve the end result. I finally knew when I was done and threw everything away to put my home back in order and tell my mom it was over. I felt out of blind knowing or faith even though I disturbed my mother and friends around myself and my life was devastated by this obsession that something was achieved. It could have been no more than shit just got too real! So I went on with what I do know and went back to continue my efforts as an artist.

            One Art Walk Night in Phoenix I was selling art at my table and I was approached by a man and his wife who felt they were non terrestrials. They felt and believed they had been trapped on earth for thousands of years now. The husband helped me set up my booth and his wife stood aside and was crying for some reason. This was the most peculiar night and broke my stride, I suppose all I needed was a good mind fuck to end my campaign if you will.

                   He told me he was on house arrest for strangling two guys to death and claimed that something took hold of him and they were dead before he realized what he had done. He claimed they were undesirables and the world would not miss them. This man and me had a close almost father to son connection moment. He said based on the fact of these men’s history he was only put on house arrest, he gave me the least of the true story.

               I asked him if he had heard of God Code and I truly was not talking about a popular new age book. He said ” Oh Yes, my people have God Code ” as if it was rudimentary or basic knowledge. I then proceeded to come to a knee as he sat down and provided a interesting piece of art in the guise of a other worldly ticket or money. I had worked on it for hours not knowing who I would be giving this to but it was him I thought. Front and back was sacred geometry with a rainbow of colors using micron pens, very precise, very attractive on artisan paper.

                          I presented it to him and told him as I noticed his wife standing to the side crying ” There is new ships, would you both like to leave earth and go back home”. I then said ” Would you take this ticket”. This information came out of me without effort at all, this was all not forced, like something sliding right into place autonomously.

                    This man and his situation which I had to believe triggered me on about the most deepest level and unlocked something which flooded out. Somehow this was meant to be and I always wondered if we were almost acting out some bullshit there but I will continue because it gets stranger.

                           I get home that night from city transportation and my mother is at work. I come into my kitchen and a note is on the fridge with black letters ” That was a great show, thank you”.

                               I asked my mother if she remembers putting that note up or anyone that we knew was over recently ” No, don’t know” was her reply. There eventually was some odd events like three balls of soft little lights coming through my window and entering my leg. Then I went out quick, I woke up an hour later and my home felt very lit up and I had no sensation of weight. I thought I was dreaming as I was floating around my home almost. I instinctively felt like I needed to go onto my porch. There was an other worldly light over head as I looked up into the sky right above our building. The light then retracted and diminished like it was going further up and away.

                        I went back inside and noticed the apartment was still highly charged with some kind of energy, I honestly did not feel like I was on earth anymore.

                                     For anyone who would tell me I’m just that crazy that I’m going to hallucinate all of that I would say to them, then you are not real either and this is another figment of my imagination. To truly speak of what the true nature of reality is I would say everything that you have ever thought of, felt and experienced on some level is all real. Denying or refuting hardcore sensory data from memories and other factors of corroboration is ignorant, something obviously was going on there that is not all in the mind.

                       In all the chaos that ensued I wonder if my prayers had been answered. I was praying for something to give after so many years so I could find a place among society. I don’t believe anymore that God will never give anyone too much. Though what I do believe now is that I have control over how much I’m taking on and not to give myself so much. It’s the insatiable wolf and when will it ever be enough, when you decide your well being is worth more than all that madness. 

               That’s where I am anymore, I don’t care about the glory, money or even respect of so many. I do believe in being a good friend when I have them and since then I have been a real asset to my mother with help and support in her life. I appreciate the fact I was never abandoned by my family. The flames of desire didn’t consume me like a moth to the flame.

                      Life could have taken me to a much harsher existence of drugs, chaos and loathing if I didn’t settle for being there to support my mother in her life. I’m grateful and happy to have some peace even though pros and cons are clearly evident in any life situation so take your pick. I would rather not engage in deductive reasoning but be focused optimistically because I simply care about clarity and my well being. Better to see what’ s really there than people’s opinions based on mere glimpses of our life.

                                I have all the same choices as anybody to make with the laws of physical and psychological order being hard enough. Where is there the mercy of humanity- only the brutality of humanity in woman, man and child's scorn of the truly different and non conformable. 

              Why with the greatest acts of violence and control on individuals around us do we think we'll ever create a better world? The inner world being hell from which to physically manifest the harsh world we have today.  It's evidence the world is mentally ill. 

                               So it seems the sick and weaker who can't afford the hell so many people live with inside and manifest to get happiness and peace is the original sin. Why do we still do this and why can't we control our minds yet and bodies to release and work out this pain within muscles, ligaments and brain banter stuck on toxicity mode? 

                                          It's a lack of self respect and so how can anyone respect anyone else in that state so of course people will judge in a critical manner and make other's pay for the pain they adopted over time.

               The very pain they bought into being the money market and materialism as the good life in a religion- their faith in stress. 

                              Their weak faith has cost us everything that could possibly be good in feelings for the inner world is all there is without distractions.

                                     Feelings are everything after all and the way people feel is directly connected to how the soul is doing. The less one wants to feel- is feeling , the less a soul is present and participle. That is a virus that conquered that portion of mankind, womankind and child.

                                         It's is not humane to deny your soul and stop feeling and die within sacrificing the inner child to never have eternal life and joy again. It's even harder to go back the further numb and aggressive the viral infection has become destroying that soul light- naturally inherent at birth. 

                     The Great Ascending Angel commits suicide so it can finally be born again from the Great Delusional Force of Darkness- Dark One. 

                                       It promises a better world and uniting for a controlled Better God of Technology where no one has free will or can make a bad choice. 

                          In it's suicide it destroys all the dark fruits of the Dark One's Collective labors to free human kind from the impending darkness to take the death grip and kill this planet's life force. 

                                      To be reborn again as Zephyr instead and secure the  Knowledge of a Natural Ordered World in Life and Liberty. We have a greater God, a God of Divine Love that guarantees free choice to become a healthier world. That's why the God of this second coming of Christ is the only good thing about our world if we let it be.