Friday Jokes!

What a surprise!

Two racehorses were sitting in a bar one day reminiscing over their past triumphs. Both had been very successful but had recently lost form.



"I was OK until three weeks ago", said the white horse, "I was ahead of the field in the last race at Kempton Park, leading by six lengths as we came into the final straight, and then I got this incredible searing pain all the way down my back and I stumbled and fell. Ever since then I havn't been able to run at all."



"It's funny you should say that", said the black horse, "because I was running in the last race at Haydock Park two weeks ago, and the same thing happened to me. I was ahead of the field by five lengths, and as we rounded the final bend I suddenly felt this intense stabbing pain all the way down my back, and I stumbled and fell. I haven't been able to run since then either".



"Excuse me", said a greyhound who was sitting at the bar beside the white horse. "I couldn't help but overhear what you have been talking about. I was running in the last race at Deptford last week, leading by four lengths, and as we came into the final straight I got an intense pain down my back and I stumbled and fell. I have hardly been able to walk since then."



"What the f*ck!", said the white horse, "It's absolutely incredible. Who would have believed it? A *talking* dog!"

The English Language

Lets face it English is a stupid language.


There is no egg in the eggplant


No ham in the hamburger


And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.


English muffins were not invented in England


French fries were not invented in France.



We sometimes take English for granted


But if we examine its paradoxes we find that


Quicksand takes you down slowly


Boxing rings are square


And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.



If writers write, how come fingers don't fing?


If the plural of tooth is teeth


Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?


If the teacher taught,


Why didnt the preacher praught?



If a vegetarian eats vegetables


What the heck does a humanitarian eat?


Why do people recite at a play,


Yet play at a recital?


Park on driveways and


Drive on parkways?


How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day


And as cold as hell on another?



You have to marvel at the unique lunacy


Of a language where a house can burn up as


It burns down


And in which you fill in a form


By filling it out


And a bell is only heard once it goes!



English was invented by people, not computers


And it reflects the creativity of the human race


(Which of course isnt a race at all)



That is why


When the stars are out they are visible


But when the lights are out they are invisible


And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts


But when I wind up this poem
It ends.