Today's Jokes!
Unlucky
A HUGE guy walks in to a bar. He goes straight for a little guy and took his drink. He looks at the little guy menacingly and says "Got a problem with that?" The little guy stammers a quick 'No', and continued angrily, "You know what? I've been having the worst bloody day you can think of. In the morning my wife told me that she is leaving me, than I got fired at my job, then I discovered that my car got stolen, and now when I try to kill myself you drink my god-damned poison!"
Right on the Ball
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 2012 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
Dealing with life's little problems
- Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
- Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
- Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
- If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
- If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was worth it!
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
- Never buy a car you can't push.
- Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
- The second mouse gets the cheese.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
- Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once .
- A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
- Have a wonderful day and know that someone has thought about you today! (That would be me!)
- And remember to live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to you higher power.