Incels to MGTOW: The 5 Stages of Grief (Anger)

The original model of the 5 Stages of Grief was designed with patients who have been diagnosed with a terminal disease.  In that context, it was determined that after denying their diagnosis, the patients moved into Anger.  In the original model, the patients became angry at the doctors or even God as the patients felt that the diagnosis was unfair.

But, when speaking of Incels or MGTOW, anger is often a word that comes to mind.  Most people characterize these two groups of people as angry, though I don't think this is without reason.  Considering how these two groups are mocked and ridiculed in mainstream society, can we really blame them?  But, the anger isn't just coming from these groups, but also from society in general. 

One of the concepts I discuss with my clients is their belief systems.  When I say "belief systems", I am not talking about religious beliefs such as "The Earth was created in seven days" or "There is only one God".  The sort of belief systems that I am talking about are more along the lines of "People are basically good', "Bad people get what is coming to them", or "Hard work is rewarded".  None of these beliefs are necessarily true nor are they religious, but our brains treat them as if they are religious truths.  And, how do most people react when their religious truths are challenged?  They become angry.

When the average person is exposed to the concept of Incels or MGTOW, they often go straight to the first stage, which is Denial.  This usually takes the form of dismissal or minimization through mockery and ridicule.  But, when Denial doesn't work, the average person goes to Anger, because their belief system is being challenged.  These beliefs are probably along the lines of "Men have it easy", "Men are supposed to be successful in all things", or "Men don't have emotions like women."  Both the Incel and MGTOW man challenge these beliefs because they demonstrate that for some men, some things are difficult, they aren't always successful, and that they have emotions that can be hurt just like anyone else.  Having these beliefs challenged sends the message that our concepts of men are not as simplistic as we would like, which requires us to rethink our attitudes and beliefs about men.  Most people don't want to be challenged and therefore respond with anger.

Of course, Anger is a stage that the Incel goes through as well.  I believe that most Incels move quickly from Denial to Anger because their situation is so drastic that it can't be denied for long.  This is especially true considering that many of these men realize their situation during adolescence and young adulthood, right in their sexual prime.  So, they become angry.  They become angry at women for being so unpredictable, they become angry at society for mocking them, they become angry at their parents for not being able to help them, and they become angry at themselves for not being able to do something which everyone else seems to do so easily.  There is plenty of anger to go around.

Though this stage of Anger is necessary, Incels can't stay here for long.  Anger for the sake of anger does no good in the long term.  Though I believe that the anger is justified, it is also toxic.  Anger is only healthy when it is used as the fire to motivate action to change the situation.  This is where many Incels and MGTOW go wrong.  They just stay angry at the people who have hurt them or at the world in general.  In order to become happier and more satisfied in life, Incels have to move out of this stage.  Unfortunately, the next stage, Bargaining, is only slightly healthier.