Following the arrest of two black men for loitering, every Progressive journalist on earth suddenly realizes they were doing the exact same thing at the exact same moment

   Police were called to a Philadelphia Starbucks after two black men, who were not paying customers, refused to leave the coffee shop despite being asked multiple times by management. The incident occurred on Thursday, April 12th, however it only gained widespread attention after the video circulated around the inner circles of various identity politics activist groups on far-left social media networks. 

   The video sounds a lot like an alt-right circle jerk if you were to replace the two black men with Hitler. "They did nothing wrong" can be heard passed around the coffee shop like instructions to ignore reality and engage in political activism.

   The Progressive press caught wind of the story, likely from one of the various Antifa accounts that they follow in order to test their ideological purity prior to publishing anything substantial, and imagine their shock when every leftist journalist from The Guardian to the LA Times suddenly realized that, at the exact same moment they too had been sitting in a Starbucks, writing up their latest Russian conspiracy theory, and had not purchased anything.

   One Twitter user we will call Becky, because leftists are prone to claiming they were "doxxed" (an ignorant retard's way of saying "docsed"), posted: "I never buy anything from Starbucks, they simply see my white skin and give me whatever I want". Several dozen other blue checkmarks echoed her statement.  Starbucks responded with an apology.


   We reached out to some local hipsters to ask about their experience. One man who we could easily verify as a full blown Progressive Communist due to his man bun, professionally styled beard, and Problem Glasses™, said that he has several black friends who get kicked out of Starbucks every day, even though he himself has never bought anything and he does not get kicked out. When we asked about the Starbucks cup he was holding, he simply threw it in the bushes and asked "What cup?". My assistant walked over to the bushes and picked it up, at which time he pointed at her and yelled that she was littering, then ran to his 1998 Dodge Neon and attempted to peel out, but the transmission stuttered.

  We waited outside and interviewed several more people. Two upper class white girls who looked like their outfits cost about $2000 but were strategically designed to look like thrift store clothes came out and spoke to us. They assured us that they have never purchased anything either, despite the fact that they were carrying two 4-packs of fresh coffee and a box of some sort of pretentious yuppie donuts.

  I was beginning to get suspicious, so I went inside to speak to some paying customers, and perhaps ask the management about all these people walking out with products who insisted that they did not pay. I saw a young man at the counter wearing a black turtleneck and thick rimmed glasses with no lenses. As he was handing a $10 to the barista, I asked him about the alleged racial profiling. He told us he has never bought anything from Starbucks, and that $10 was simply a donation to his local chapter Antifa.

   Maybe they are right. Considering that all these people who say they get free drinks are white... Maybe they are all benefiting from White Privlege™. Then again, maybe they are just lying.