The Cheap-Ass Gaming Garbage Man Reviews: Sea of Thieves

"But Garbage Man, how is this a cheap-ass review if the game is still new and around 50-60 dollarinos?"

I signed up for the Xbox Game Pass just to try this game. If you'd like to try this game and others, I highly recommend paying only $10 a month for that game service.

Otherwise, shut the fuck up and enjoy this short review.

Yaaaarrrrr, fuckerrrrrr.

I love hype.

It’s like gambling with your feelings towards a new product or IP and hoping it won't disappoint you.

I’ve gotten hyped a few times in my youth. It’s how our consumer brains are molded. We are made to feel excitement for new products and fads because we have been trained to since the days of Christmas morning and all that leads up to it. Advent calendars, events and gatherings, the night before, etc.

Then the morning comes and you open all the stuff and you pick your favorites and forget about the rest.

Sea of Thieves took a heavy hype approach to their product. Open Betas, developer updates and teasers, “exclusive” playthroughs.

And what did all that hype for Sea of Thieves bring this time?

A fucking grinding game.

I played about 10 hours of this fucking game before I put the control down and loudly exclaimed,

“I am not doing this shit again.”

Now, the gameplay is fun. It is truly engaging to get your boat flowing across the sea, following your compass, anticipating the ebb of the ocean and the blow of the wind.

When you get out there, sailing to your destination, Sea of Thieves is at its peak right then.

Nothing quite like it, really.

The frustrating learning curve at the beginning takes enough dedication to get through, that when you do actually start the fucking game portion, you feel good. 

It’s like the high you get after working a long day at Taco Bell, but getting rewarded with some bomb Taco Bell that you made for yourself.

You sail to different islands, do the missions, which is enjoyable the first 3 or 4 times, and then sail back to an outpost to deliver the goods.

It was after the fifth mission that I realized something was horribly and terribly wrong.

This was the whole game.

The core gameplay mechanic is grinding.

I got to 5th level with the <insert random faction name here> and realized that moving up doesn’t make the missions more engaging, only longer and drawn out.

You'll just being doing the same thing with a different point to go to and maybe a different thing to collect, fight, or dig up.

Now if you like that shit, go for it. If you thought that Destiny was the peak of online grind’o’rama, doing the same shit over and over and over again was fun, then Sea of Thieves is something to consider.

And how can I forget that, as this is an Massive Multi-player Online game, you'll have assholes and dicks from all over the world trying to kill you and sink your ship at nearly every outposts and nautical mile.

At least it looks pretty.

Rating: 2 out of 5. There is some promise here and maybe it’ll turn into a really great game 2 years down the road. For now though, Sea of Thieves is missing something.

I think maybe a personalized leveling system with stats and the such would have made me want to play more. But the lack of “specializing” in a role make the whole thing seem kind of pointless.

I’ve learned my lesson with these games. The payoff ain’t worth it. I might log into World of Warcraft every few years, but that’s because the I enjoy the payoff I’ve gotten from my time in Azeroth. 

I don’t feel that’ll be the case in Sea of Thieves.

Thanks for playing, players. Until the next review, keep them on fucking notice!