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The Cheap-Ass VERIFIED Gaming Garbage Man Reviews: Flappy Bird

TheGarbageManMar 15, 2018, 4:33:26 PM

Flappy bird is the absolute peak of mobile gaming. You tap on the screen. The little bird hops up. You guide it in between two tubes. Repeat. 

You will never get a better mobile game than that.

It’s so simple that anyone besides a dead Stephen Hawking could play.

The fifth level.

But to master Flappy Bird? 

That is a whole other beast there, my friends.

I have spent years playing this fucking game. I have hopped the pipes and dove to the ground. I've felt the thrill unmatched by either a Chicken Dinner in PUBG or downing raid bosses in WoW. 

None of that compares to the exhilarating rush of adrenaline you get from skillfully hopping a bird in between green pipes.

But this game is not on Google Play anymore...

You'll never beat my high score!

It was the creator, Dong Nguyen's decision to take the game down.

Why did he take down Flappy Bird, you ask? 

Why would any sane man take down a game that's making him thousands a day? It was because he had earned enough money from ad revenue to finally say:

"Flappy Bird was designed to play in a few minutes when you are relaxed. But it happened to become an addictive product. ... To solve that problem, it's best to take down Flappy Bird. It's gone forever." - Dong Nguyen, Forbes Magazine or Esquire. One of the two.

I know that I’ll get morals when I become rich, too. Money just makes a person so wise and sagely.

I was smart and attached it to my googles’ account, so I can download on any device, anytime. Bet you didn't think of that, did you, you Nguyen fuck.

“But why are you reviewing this game when no one can really play it anymore, Mr. Garbage Man?” You ask while I’m banging your girlfriend in the back of my dumpster truck.

And I reply with, “Because I just got a new cell phone, cuck.”

Game over, man. Game over.

Rating: 3 out of 5. Flappy Bird is a game where you tap the screen to make birdies hop in between green Mario Bros. tubes. Like I said at the start, the pinnacle of mobile gaming.

You can’t get the game anywhere except for Ebay copies and people are still trying to sell it for hundreds of dollars.

Let me let you in on a little secret: It’s not worth it.

There’s Flappy Bird clones available that are exactly the same both in visual style and gameplay. Or play it at https://flappybird.io/.

Try stick-ball or pong if this sounds like the killer app to you. It’s meant to waste time and test your reflexes. You’ not going to get much more than that.

Well that was it, the big game review I promised! Have a great week, everyone!