February Call Of Cthulhu
This month has been a busy one, the Oblivion project is well underway. Huge success in Florida. Though Cthulhu has been less impressed with the aftermath. Especially, that survivors were left to rally support against hard won liberties to bring madness and destruction.
High ranking squiddy Wayne Allyn-Root made an enthusiastic plea for missile armed predator drones from which to launch surprise madness and destruction upon vertebrate educational facilities, should small scale madness and destruction break out. But Allyn-Root’s concept while inspired, lacked vision and scale. There are plenty of nuclear armed missiles just going to waste all over the North American mainland. For full madness and destruction it’s better to nuke the site from orbit – it is the only way to be sure.
Worrying news, in Washington, as Richard Gates pleads guilty to money laundering, he may pass on details of internal invertebrate operations to the vertebrates – those terrible spined organisms that respect law with no understanding of the superior nature of the invertebrate clade and consistent refusal to obey Dread Lord Cthulhu the personal devourer to all.
Sad news late this week, honored tentacle Bob Murray of Murray Energy – the coal mining corporation lost his battle with vertebrate rights extremist John Oliver. It’s believed the court was biased in Oliver’s favor because it was staffed mainly by bipedal vertebrates and the court received an emeritus brief from the Flying Spaghetti Monster urging the use of “evidence and reason” in considering the case.
Rising tentacle Rick Scott has been forced to backtrack some provisions of the Oblivion for Schools program, so operatives in Florida will have to incubated in their tide pods for a couple more years before going Revenge of the Sith on Floridian younglings to complete their training as squidlords and they may be restricted to hand guns.
After a small slip up with the recall of Pat Robertson led to only a minor stroke, Billy Graham has taken Pat’s slot at the caverns of the Great Deep in recognition of fine work in promoting anti-semitism and wholesale genocide during the Nixon admission, along with his long career fomenting homophobia and using his mirage projecting talents to relieve many vertebrates of essential material resources. Pat will have to wait. He’s still a bit goofy from that stroke. Just the other day he argued to ban bump stocks and AR-15s. Which is way off script. There are so many bipedal vertebrates, the invertebrate pride movements need them to mostly kill each other so (a) the squiddies don’t have to, and (b) it’s more fun to right them all off as criminals and thugs -- which is essential because the squiddies are next on the menu, and it would be terribly inconvenient if they understood that.
After fine work sabotaging communications industry through the demolition of net neutrality Ajit Pai is now under investigation for corruption by the Federal Communications Commission. They should find he’s been spectacularly corrupt any bonuses they award him are well deserved. His dedication to Oblivion and loyalty to Cthulhu are a model for squiddies all over the cosmos. At the very least his work should earn him the Services to Madness medallion.
Also on the upside, Florida Republicans voted to make porn a public health risk, guaranteeing more sexual violence rape and murder, it won’t make up for losing AR-15 based mass shootings. But it is a start to rebuilding the momentum for the glorious Oblivion. Also the revised Trans-Pacific-Partnership text has been released, it's basically the same but with four cover pages. President Covfefe confirmed his administration will re-enter negotiations once the cuffs are upon the 11 other nations – including New Zealand in which the national impact assessment shows it’s only 1/3rd as bad as it was supposed to be offering a mere 0.3% improvement in GDP. The treaty is important for ensuring environmental annihilation, gutting labor protections, eviscerating labor movements, locking in pharmaceutical profiteering, addiction epidemics, raising our hegemony above all civil government to bring forth the new feudal era as we prepare for the ultimate Glory of Oblivion, MAY CTHULHU DEVOUR US ALL!
[BUZZING][HISSING][BLIP] END OF TRANSMISSION
We seem to have lost our link to our inside correspondent. Reporting the inner workings of our invertebrate overlords is high risk. While every precaution is taken, detection is almost inevitable over time. We suggest to the Flying Spaghetti Monster that appropriate pressures be applied to ensure the safe return and recovery of our correspondent.
[HOT MIC]
Damn it! Jerry, that’s the 3rd one this year. These guys need the Mark 3 cognitive firewall with the open source operating system. Buying the Microshaft backdoor Trojan O/S is costing too much and we can’t keep losing volunteers like this! DAMN IT!