No one Cares. Day 2

Saturday February 10th 2018

Well I can happily share that I did most of the chore chart.. that I intended on doing. Which I will likely finish and put up today. I also took the girls with Graiden and Carley (best friend and boyfriend) to the Y last night and met Sarah and worked out for three hours while they were at youth. I have basically been silent for 2 years. Maybe 3 years. Saying all the normal day to day life pass the butter stuff.. and streaming one show after another in escape of the real world and people. So this is my journey out of that. And it's actually scary. I have become afraid of people. Regular normal social gatherings seem completely shocking to me. But also the regular day to friendly banter, even social media. Not really saying anything that I have been thinking, I have become a non person.

While we were at the gym I noticed Sarah, talk to the Y lady, I noticed her name was Fatima. She had her hair done up in two braids and very long hair. It was quite beautiful, and Sarah said she really loved her hair.. and said she wished she knew how to do her hair like that. Fatima said her mother never really did her hair. Definitely never did braids in her hair and so she learned herself how to do it and really enjoys braiding and finds it easy. It was a nice banter. Seems so easy and friendly. Nothing life changing likely for either of them. But this is the stuff I feel I am missing.. to make life more rewarding. Just the general niceties that are passed onto each other. I mentioned it with the corner store lady.. and how friendly other people seem, and how I feel I am missing out. I dread leaving the house. I don't really like being looked at. I am wondering if its because I have eaten so much pie in the past few years I have really let myself go. (also something I am working on) I have started to get serious about losing this extra weight. Trying to work out three times at least a week.. and looking for chores to do to keep myself on my feet. I am on day four of no television. Which is also a major step.

I have recently found a youtuber that I rather enjoy. The first video of his that I watched, was titled how to make expensive art. He got out his pen, and and began drawing he said- better make it a quick one.. because time is money.. was basically a stick man with an expression in black in, then he said- just frame it.. and ad an very heft price tag to it, and wait for some idiot to buy it. But even if they don't its only because its too expensive for them. And there you have it, expensive art. I chuckled at the obviousness to it. I began watching his videos and he's got years and years of them. A small series on artists block. Basically pen to the paper with some little tips on keeping the ink flowing. The reason I mention this, is because I used to find meaningfulness in drawing. A calm, a bit of a prestige. With the internet came thousands and millions of artist far better than myself. People that have been drawing or painting daily for the last 20 years. Then there is me, a no one. Sure I have done a few commissions, and found them very stressful. I have spent hours and hours working on a piece, and have shared it, and it gives a momentary feeling of pride when others enjoy. But it really got to the point I felt like whats the point.

I am not able to support my family from art. ( I tried, I used to make some pretty amazing things with Pete. But he was the real artist. I was merely just a helper with business. And I although at the time I felt alive and like my job had meaning. He was also a terrible drunk and really it turned into damage control. He would smash our work, finish only a handful of works- and drink constantly. He became my best friend, and we spent every day together. Together we created Kre8 fx. I suppose that is a story of reminiscing for another day.

Oh ya.. you tuber.. expensive art- Peter Draws. He went live and did a stream. As a silent, I feel like It was very awkward watching a live stream. But I was literally watching hours of his old videos while I was working on my chore chart for the kids. And then he went live so I tuned in.    First time ever tuning in to a live stream, aside from my husbands.   Even my husbands makes me feel awkward.    I feel like I am spying on people.    But this time, as I sat there.. I began to type words as the live stream went on.   It was hard. 

     I have been saying no one cares lately to my husband, it started out as a bitchy thing to say to him-- because he kept wanting to talk about his big win.. on one of the games he plays.. and then the words sort of rang loud to me.   No one actually cares. Its both a very sad reality, but also a pretty amazing one.   If no one cares, perhaps that same obviousness means no one is going to care whether I do or don't speak or type in this case.  But I still had a strong urge to become part of the community.   And I did type out a few things to say a few times and then erased. And a bit panicked when I hit send.    And slowly I realized that it wasn't as big a deal as I thought.. I didn't have mobs of people attacking me.   I kept it light.   Answered a few of the whats your favorite pizza conversations, and explained the difference between astral traveling and lucid dreaming to a couple people that seemed interested and made a single serving friend that was in a band that played exceptional music that reminded me of the grateful dead. I stayed in the stream for a few hours.    And didn't say very much, but said enough to feel like perhaps talking to strangers and making an effort in reaching out to people may actually be some what a level up for me.   So I am looking forward to his next stream. I almost donated money to his stream for the mere skill level up I achieved.    The truth is.. I am not there yet.    It was still extremely hard for me.   I would like to practice a bit more before I actually give that stream due credit. And he honestly didn't seem to be enjoying it.. and I also found it cheesy. And I also just bought a car that I need to pay for and didn't want to over extend myself.    All the reasons I didn't.    But maybe I will just send a dollar or two every stream I am sure that adds for them over time.    I guess because I was thinking 200$ that is also partly why I didn't.   I wasn't ready to sacrifice that money. 

 I can see there are small ways I can practice being more of a person day to day in baby steps. One, talk to the cashiers at the store. They are likely bored anyways- they go there to work.. and it helps them feel better about their jobs if they get to know the community they work for. Two, art a little bit everyday, even if its for 5 minutes and you really don't feel like it. I have been doodling on a page with black ink.. definitely nothing special. But from where I am coming from its HUGE. And Three, practice social skills in an online environment to help get out of my head. It was really nice working out with Sarah. She likes to talk a lot, so the time passes quickly.. and I feel happier when I am done because I have physically leveled up and also socially. I feel more comfortable to talk to other people when she is around. She isn't around a lot though. And I always cancel anyways when we plan on doing something fun.

     So still reading my book.   This morning I woke up and drove my son to get a haircut, and then picked up his girlfriend. And came home to have coffee with myself while typing.. it already feels less out of my head. This is therapeutic. I haven't been happier than I have been since Thursday when Sarah thought I should. (she said I should do a blog) Which right now, I am not up for yet.   It's too structured and feels a bit more like work.  But she is reading a book she said I could have easily wrote, because it just sounds so much like me. But I am lazy with spelling and grammar, so journal ing seems more apt for me.   Also, I need to get myself more comfortable with being myself before I could actually put myself out there.   Minds is full of strangers, where I don't feel anyone would waste their time reading this crap,  but its a feeling of sharing  where I can actually share my thoughts and self in basically open and honest way without actually  boring my friends and family or wasting their time.  

         I think plan for today is doodle a bit, laundry and a chore and maybe hit enter when I comment on peoples stuffs.    Or check on my daughter who I haven't heard from in a few days who has no money phone or transportation. I should maybe allow myself to worry a bit about her. Maybe go out and see a friend, I do have them. I have been avoiding them for years.