Child Discipline

Like anything in life that desires success, you must have a vision of what you want to accomplish.

Questions:

1. What do I want my child to learn from the discipline?

2. What changes do I need to make to help my child behave productively and healthily?

WHAT IS DISCIPLINE?

Discipline is the process of teaching your child what type of behavior is acceptable and what type is not acceptable. In other words, discipline teaches a child to follow rules. Discipline may involve both punishment and, more importantly, rewards. Your responsibility as a parent is to help your child become self reliant, respectful, and self controlled.

WHY IS DISCIPLINE IMPORTANT?

Children respond to their environment based on their emotional states. If they become confused, they also start to become fearful. Fear causes them to react in one of two ways: fight or flight. The fight or flight mechanism in humans is there to provide them the means of protecting themselves from harm. When activated the child will respond according to their perception of what they believe to be the truth.

The flight mechanism causes the child to withdraw from others. This can be recognized by such things as bed wetting, a drop in grades, isolating themselves from other children and adults, crying, whining, behaving as though they were less intelligent, etc. The fight mechanism causes the child to become rebellious. This can be recognized by such things as fighting with other children, behavior problems in school, back talking to adults, etc.

The primary benefit to children from healthy discipline is a sense of security. When a child feels secure, he will be calmer and positively respond to the guidance of his parents and to other authorities. Children who feel secure also feel confident about the future. It is this confidence that will help them focus on positive behavior on their part that will result in beneficial outcomes.

The purpose of effective discipline is to help children organize themselves, internalize rules and acquire appropriate behavior patterns. Children with special needs and developmental delay require additional adjustments and problem solving. Effective discipline does not instill shame, negative guilt, a sense of abandonment or a loss of trust. Instead, it instills a sense of greater trust between the child and the parent.

THE MOST IMPORTANT FACTOR

There is nothing more important to the emotional health and discipline of a child, than for them to see their parents behaving in a disciplined manner. When the parents follow a clear and healthy structure of discipline in their own lives, they exemplify the benefits to their children. When the parents’ self discipline breaks down, they produce confusion and fear in their children.

A CLEAR AND HEALTHY STRUCTURE

It is clear, fair, and well defined rules and boundaries that help a person establish a healthy structure as a basis for their lives. When parents establish “rules” that are fairly applied and enforced with appropriate consequences, they help the child to learn to adjust to his environment. This is important because when the child grows and goes into the world at large, they will encounter many situations (work, marriage, relationships, etc.) that will require them to adapt to be able to better function within those circumstances. Children who do not grow up with a healthy disciplinary structure tend to have trouble with relationships when they get older.

WHERE THERE IS NO CONSEQUENCE, THERE IS PERMISSION

It is important for parents to understand that healthy child discipline begins with them. If the parents do not have clear rules by which they live, then the children will feel that they are being unfairly expected to do something that the parents will not. Parents should outline and make clear what “rules and/or boundaries” they follow so that the children will see that it really is beneficial to have personal rules and boundaries in their lives as well.

On top of all of this, parents need to understand that they must enforce the rules and impose the consequences without hesitation or impartiality. This is not to be understood as saying that the parent should not consider all the aspects of the infraction before imposing any consequences. There will be many times when a child seems to be misbehaving, but in reality may just be reacting to something not of their doing. A parent will demonstrate to her child that she is being fair by first finding out the reason for the behavior before deciding whether or not to impose the designated consequence. Even though the child will not want to suffer the consequence, he will still acknowledge that it was impose fairly.

If the parent fails to consistently and fairly impose consequences for a particular violation, he is giving the child the impression that he or she can avoid such discipline in the future and will continue his unacceptable behavior. Consequences, when fairly and consistently imposed, teach the child that life has limits and that their violation can result in painful consequences.

The most important factor relating to consequences is that the consequence must fir the violation. If the consequences are too harsh, the child will become angry and/or fearful. Neither of these will help the child to learn self control. If the consequence is too light, the child will perceive this as a form of permission to continue the unwanted behavior.

INTERACTING WITH THE CHILD REGARDING DISCIPLINE

Be Firm

Being firm does not mean yelling or controlling. It means deciding which rules are most important. Think about your values. Carefully teach your child correct behaviors. Show and teach them what to do. Be firm about the things that really matter. Be flexible about less important types of misbehavior. Your tone of voice, words and actions show that you mean what you say. Children usually comply when their parents are firm. Research findings indicate that children benefit from knowing that their parents are in charge.

Be Consistent

It is important for the parents to establish consistent rules, approaches, and even goals and rewards. Children can find change or inconsistencies confusing, and may test limits or boundaries to see how far they can go with different adults.

Avoid Power Battles

Choose your battles very carefully, but once you've picked a battle then a parent/adult MUST win, ALWAYS. Only address those issues that are truly important (safety is always a key battle) and let some things go. If possible, offer choices while still setting reasonable limits. But if an issue is important, experts indicate it's vital that a parent not cave and give in to a child, even "just this once." If you do this, then every time this issue comes up again your child will know that you might change your mind, and will attempt to change your mind by arguing with you.

Emphasize and Praise Good Behavior

If the behavior a wanted one, then an effective disciplinary approach often involves praising good behavior and rewarding it through hugs, high fives or special activities (like a trip to the park).

Keep Your Cool

Kids often enjoy seeing a rise out of an adult; blowing your top can be interesting to watch and kids sometimes see your loss of control as a victory for them. Keep calm and in control, and if necessary, take some time to assess the situation and appropriate consequence before taking action. Kids will often take advantage of a frazzled, mad, or emotional adult; don't give them this opportunity. If you do mess up, learn from the experience, and take another measure to keep yourself calm, cool and collected the next time (and there will be one!).

Seek Out Discipline Supporters

When someone else is watching your child, be sure to communicate discipline style and request the caregiver adopt a similar fashion. Likewise, if you do not believe in a certain approach (like spanking or a time out chair), be sure to indicate that to a babysitter or early education teacher as well. If checking out a new day care or preschool, take time to ask about disciplinary approach. Many parents find that if they match their approach to what methods are used at a child's care setting, the results become more effective. The reason may be that kids respond to discipline tactics that are used with their peers.

SETTING RULES AND APPLYING CONSEQUENCES

Rules are established for children so they can learn to live cooperatively with others, to teach them to distinguish right from wrong, and to protect them from harm. Children raised without reasonable limits will have difficulty adjusting socially. The following are some ways that parents can use rules and limits to promote effective discipline:

• Reinforce desirable behavior. Praise positive behavior.

• Avoid nagging and making threats without consequences. The latter may even encourage the undesired behavior.

• Apply rules consistently.

• Ignore unimportant and irrelevant behavior, eg, swinging legs while sitting.

• Set reasonable and consistent limits. Consequences need to be realistic. For example, grounding for a month may not be feasible and even be unreasonable and seem unfair.

• Clarify acceptable and appropriate behavior that is attainable.

• Prioritize rules. Give top priority to safety, then to correcting behavior that harms people and property, and then to behavior such as whining, temper tantrums and interrupting.

• Know and accept age appropriate behavior. Accidentally spilling a glass of water is normal behavior for a toddler. It is not willful defiance. On the other hand, a child who refuses to wear a bicycle helmet after repeated warnings is being willfully defiant.

• Allow for the child’s temperament and individuality. A strong willed child needs to be raised differently from the so called ‘compliant child’.

In applying consequences, these suggestions may be helpful:

• Apply consequences as soon as possible.

• Do not enter into arguments with the child during the correction process.

• Parents should mean what they say and say it without shouting at the child. Verbal abuse is no less damaging than physical punishment.

• Follow consequences with love and trust, and ensure that the child knows the correction is directed against the behavior and not the person. Guard against humiliating the child. Model forgiveness and avoid bringing up past mistakes.

Three forms of discipline, in particular, are discussed in the current scientific literature:

• Time out;

• Loss of privilege; and

• Disciplinary spanking.

Time out

Time out is one of the most effective disciplinary techniques available to parents of young children, aged two years through primary school years (5). The time out strategy is effective because it keeps the child from receiving attention that may inadvertently reinforce inappropriate behavior. Like any other procedure, time out must be used correctly to be effective. It must be used unemotionally and consistently every time the child misbehaves.

Some suggestions for parents on effective time out include the following:

• Pick the right place. Be sure the time out place does not have built in rewards. The television should not be on during time out.

• Time out should last 1 min per year of the child’s age, to a maximum of 5 min.

• Prepare the child by briefly helping him or her connect the behavior with the time out. A simple phrase, such as “no hitting,” is enough.

• Parents should avoid using time out for teaching or preaching. When the child is in time out, he should be ignored.

• The parent should be the time keeper.

• After time out is over, it is over. Create a fresh start by offering a new activity. Don’t discuss the unwanted behavior. Just move on.

• As with other disciplinary techniques, parents should refrain from hurting the child’s self esteem by instilling shame, guilt, loss of trust or a sense of abandonment.

• If used properly, time out will work over time. It may not necessarily eliminate the unwanted behavior, but it will decrease the frequency. If time out does not work after repeated tries, a consult is recommended.

• Parents should be advised that these general guidelines may need to be adjusted to suit the particular temperament of the child. Parents may have to experiment with the length of time out, because 1 min per year of age may be too long for some children.

Loss of privilege

Make sure that the loss is consistent with the violation or unwanted behavior.

Do not let your anger decide for you what privilege should be denied.

Remember that the loss of privilege is not just a punishment, but more importantly a disciplinary technique that is intended to teach the child that good or acceptable behavior can result in not losing privileges and benefit them by being able to participate in enjoyable activities of their choice. The biggest problem with loss of privilege is that too often parents will “give in” before the designated duration of loss, and end up giving the child the impression that they really do not have to suffer the entire consequence when they misbehave. Parents must never give in, if you will not enforce the whole time or decision, then instead choose a loss of privilege that you will enforce consistently and completely.

Disciplinary spanking

Spanking should never be administered until other forms of discipline have been exhausted or proven not to be effective for the specific misbehavior. Spanking is effective in particular when the behavior relates to disrespect, violence, and other similar occurrences. When spanking is administered, it must be done with serious consideration. The following are recommendations for when administering spanking:

• Always use a board of some type. Belts are notorious for wrapping around the body and probably leaving marks where they were not intended.

• Use a wide board, as compared to a thinner one. The same intent as above is the consideration here. Thinner boards hurt more and can leave welts. A wider board is better for the “sting” effect, so the area that is struck is also wider, causing less harm as well as reducing any real harm.

• Never administer more than three swats. More than three means that the spanking is not having the desired effect, as well as that the problem may be more than it seems.

• The parent must never spank the child while angry. It is very important that the parent take time to calm down before administering any spanking. The spanking must be seen, by the child, as a consequence of their bad behavior, and not as some vengeance or attack by the parent.

• If spanking is administered, there must also be someone who will comfort the child, while encouraging them to “follow the rules.”

BIBLE

Proverbs 13:24 ESV

Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.

Hebrews 12:11 ESV

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Proverbs 22:6 ESV

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Proverbs 23:13 15 ESV

Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol. My son, if your heart is wise, my heart too will be glad.

Proverbs 22:15 ESV

Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.

Ephesians 6:4 ESV

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Proverbs 29:17 ESV

Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.

Proverbs 19:18 ESV

Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.

Proverbs 29:15 ESV

The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.

Colossians 3:21 ESV

Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

Ephesians 6:1 4 ESV

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Hebrews 12:5 11 ESV

And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? ...

Proverbs 15:5 ESV

A fool despises his father's instruction, but whoever heeds reproof is prudent.

Proverbs 13:1 ESV

A wise son hears his father's instruction, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke.

Proverbs 15:32 ESV

Whoever ignores instruction despises himself, but he who listens to reproof gains intelligence.

Hebrews 12:9 ESV

Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live?

Hebrews 12:5 6 ESV

And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.”

Proverbs 20:30 ESV

Blows that wound cleanse away evil; strokes make clean the innermost parts.

Deuteronomy 21:18 ESV

“If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother, and, though they discipline him, will not listen to them,

Ecclesiastes 8:11 ESV

Because the sentence against an evil deed is not executed speedily, the heart of the children of man is fully set to do evil.

LOVE AND CHILD DISCIPLINE

First, let's look at what biblical love is not:

It is not love to raise a child who lacks self discipline and is controlled by his or her desires, whether for attention, food, material demands and entertainment, or seeking to gain something for nothing.

It is not love to allow a child to shrug off responsibility for his own actions and not to accept the consequences of those actions. Nor is it love to allow your child to manipulate, control, or justify his or her disobedience.

It is not love to carelessly or intentionally provoke anger in your children. "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4).

Now let's look at what biblical love is and the proper way to train and discipline a child:

Love is actively training and teaching our children diligently (Deuteronomy 6:6 7)! Put consistent and loving effort into being an active parent, daily.

Love is providing for your children's physical needs. (2 Corinthians 12:14)

Love is applying with faithful discipline (Proverbs 23:24; 22:15; 23:13 14; 29:15; 29:17). Discipline with consistency.

Love does involve the promotion of biblical teaching to your children early (Psalm 34:11). The best teachings are by example. Children imitate what they see more than they do what they're told.

Follow God's pattern, as He disciplines us, for our own good (Hebrews 12:5 11). Be steadfast in correction, yet giving encouragement and praise where it is due.

The Word of God, found in the Bible, is said to be a blueprint for life. In it, we are given everything we need to know about being a loving and responsible parent. Parents must realize that undisciplined children who dishonor their parents will eventually bear heavy consequences for their dishonor and disobedience.

As parents who love our children, it is our parental responsibility to correctly raise our precious children. If we disregard our responsibility to teach them, we are ourselves being disobedient children, dishonoring our Heavenly Father. He loves us, as we love our children, and has entrusted us with their care. As a parent, child discipline is your most important purpose.