The Biggest Single Reason Why Many Daters Get Hurt on Dating Sites

On many dating sites there is a constant frantic search for that magical 'chemistry' which everyone believes will lift them high and carry them off on a cloud of loving and living. The problem with chemistry is that, as most people don't know what it is, or when it is there, it can prove pretty elusive. It is also very easy to confuse chemistry with something which is an important part of chemistry, but which won't deliver the goods on its own: RAPPORT.

I used to correspond with someone whose writing was simply exquisite, with a personality to match. If it weren't for what I do as a job, I would have thought that the obvious sparks which flew between us were the real thing - the great chemistry. But it wasn't - not on my part anyway. What we shared in a lovely way, was rapport. The easy flow of empathy and understanding between two people who are drawn together by intellect - or great communication. He was always asking me why I wouldn't date him when we got on so well. But I liked what we had in our interaction, and I knew that it was not enough to sustain a relationship, because other factors about him spoke volumes against it.

Being blinded by rapport, we are likely to miss all the other unsuitable qualities which would be waving frantically in front of us.

Rapport is a consequence of the 'comfort' that people feel with each other. It is often mistaken for chemistry, especially when people are also physically drawn together. Being able to talk each other silly and have a few laughs might feel wonderful initially, but there are other crucial elements which forge a relationship and a good rapport is only one of them. But there are six parts to chemistry and having just the 'comfort' aspect won't do the job, as time eventually reveals!

Furthermore, because rapport tends to be the first pleasurable element that a couple enjoys together, there is a natural feeling to want to prolong it by dating in order to get even more of it. But, being blinded by rapport, we are likely to miss all the other unsuitable qualities which would be waving frantically in front of us.

The cornerstone of real chemistry is being valued AND sharing the same values. No matter how great the banter is between two people, if that pillar of feeling valued, and sharing values, is not there, that's a short and even painful relationship in the making. Good banter and rapport do not take the place of being valued; of feeling that the person really cares, is interested in us, and truly shares what we cherish. It is always a great disappointment further down the line when we slowly realise how little we might actually have in common with that person, regardless of the enjoyment of the communication involved.

Finding someone with whom we have great rapport is always a good start, like the opening of a mysterious door. But to get through that door to the desired oasis of love takes much, much more. Having that rapport certainly helps the process, but listening to one's instincts, and checking other things that matter, are far better barometers of the potential for a relationship than rushing to make a date with the wrong person who sounds good, but lacks real substance.