The First Key Steps in Finding Your Ideal Partner
January, of any year, has been revealed be the most anxious one for people living on their own. They are likely to have spent a lonely Christmas, and have resolved to find themselves a date/partner for the new year. Dating sites and meetup groups tend to record their biggest interest and member registration during this month, as people seek to get rid of their single status with renewed enthusiasm. In fact, the first Sunday of January is reported to be the busiest day in online dating!
However, finding that ideal soulmate can also be thwarted by desperation, as some people settle for any attention they can get. That is why it is important to establish a few key steps to get the person we seek, to prevent us being propelled by another person's needs. We would then have a clear idea of what makes us happy, which means that the process has to start from us, and work outwards to attract another.
In trying to find that elusive ideal soulmate, the first step is to work out what you want. What are you looking for, in general? If you don't know what you want, you'll accept anything you get, then wonder why you still feel unhappy.
You cannot be too prescriptive, either, otherwise good people lacking the 'perfect' unrealistic qualities will be ruled out. If you are unsure, it is probably best to begin with what you definitely do not want. What would turn you off, and make you run a mile? Most men prefer women to be good-looking, slim, and pleasing to the eye, but also seem to believe that their own imperfect figures are invisible to the women when they make those demands!
Second, make a shortlist of the essentials you are seeking in a mate; the ones you regard as very important on a long-term basis.
In addition to that, make another list of up to five important things you can offer to that person, or the relationship, because any partnership is a two way process, not just catering for our needs. If you are not sure about yourself, ask a friend to describe your best attributes. For example, if you do not feel overly ambitious, it could be that all you feel you have to offer is being a good housekeeper (cooking, cleaning, rearing your children, etc.) because you were well taught by your parents. For your information, that’s a lot to go on for someone not interested in being a career spouse! It will also stop you undervaluing yourself.
So What Do You Have to Offer?
If I apply the essential requirements to myself, they would have to include: non-smoker, social or non-drinker, sense of humour, intelligence, slim to medium build, love of music, and being romantic. That last one is important because I like the hearts and flowers stuff! If your list threatens to be too long, perhaps breaking it up into non-negotiable and desirable might show you what you must have in a soulmate against what you could accept. My non-negotiables would be in the smoking, drinking, and communication region. I would loathe a stick-in-the-mud character who feels that his love is implied, and he doesn’t have to say it, or show it. I want to hear it, loudly, and see it in his actions, as I will be giving lots in return. In that way, our feelings will seldom be taken for granted.
What I have to offer would be intelligence, romance, being tactile and loving, slim and good looking, independence, my own successful career, and little money! What I lack in money, I make up for in love and affection, and whatever that person might seek. It means that all the men looking to supplement their income, or build up their fortunes would give me a wide berth, but the successful, confident ones, who wanted me for my loving nature, personality, intellect, creativity and drive, would be first at the door!
Human beings don't come to order like a candy shop. Often we are so focused on one element, we miss others that could compensate. In the end, all that matter are the non-negotiable elements, and they should be few. By accepting people for what they are, while allowing them to gradually reveal themselves to us, we could be in for some real treats and wonderful surprises (like my current boyfriend who, on the face of it, looked as if we had very little in common, and would not even last a month with me. Yet it's been two years...and counting, in a most amazing relationship).
Please remember that relationships are negotiable. Don't assume that what you think that person wants from you is only what you have to offer. It could be something you are not even aware of! However, there's one caveat to all this. When your instincts tell you that you could have found a real gem, simply trash the list and begin to get to know that person in earnest, because he/she could be the one, despite the appearance of not being ideal. They probably just need help and encouragement to show their real persona.
Author: The Essential Guide to Confidence (ebook and print)