The Problem With Christmas

A couple days ago, I received a late Christmas card. Curiously I opened it and one was from a 'friend' I hadn't heard from in at least 3 years. In my other life, I would have been thrilled to get it, appreciating her thought for me and getting in touch. I would also have felt a little sheepish, like a poor second in the annual Christmas card race, because I hadn't thought of sending one first. I would have rushed out to buy a card for her, or fished one out from my leftovers to send post-haste, so as not to be outdone in the greetings stakes. But not these days.

Since my divorce, one of my best Christmases was celebrated with a man who had lost his wife a couple of years before, who was also estranged from his step-children and was dreading the holiday. I was reluctant to do it, at first, with him being a virtual stranger, as I thought it might be pretty gloomy between us. But, surprisingly, it taught me lots about real compassion and unselfishness, and we had the most wonderful time.

For the day, we talked non-stop about his wife and the loving person she was, while I rambled on about a relationship that had affected me profoundly and was still indelibly etched in my consciousness. He was also really pleased to have someone who listened with understanding and without judging. He did not have to pretend to be 'happy' on Christmas Day, and he kept crying and laughing alternately. It was an incredible, cathartic day for us, amidst the food, drink and hugs. It completely changed the way I both view and celebrate Christmas - giving to others and sharing our humanity.

The problem with Christmas is that it allows no diversity in behaviour. It is a demanding straitjacket which we have to wear, whether we like it or not, suffocated by the expectations of those around us to conform to feel included.

Parents with very little money must dread it from September, knowing that they will have to try and match the Joneses in buying expensive presents for their kids, when their coffers are bare. Single people on their own must dread it because there won't be a loved one to celebrate with them. In fact, this is NOT the time to form a new relationship because there is usually an air of desperation in it, particularly for men who hate being alone, just to have company over the holiday. There is a new slogan around now, "A boyfriend/ girlfriend is not just for Christmas." Truly sad.

Again, people without relatives, like older folks, or those estranged from their families, must also dread this time of year, when their heart is not in it and, worse, as they watch others rushing around to get the goodies, being reminded of how isolated and excluded they are. Finally, for those who intensely dislike Christmas, particularly for commercial reasons, it must be an awful time having to fulfil expectations they would rather ignore.

The Greatest Casualties at Christmas

The result of this superficial celebration amid seething tensions is that the greatest number of domestic incidents are recorded in hospital casualties all over the UK at Christmas time. Being confined for days together in an unfamiliar situation, and with much drink flowing, the novelty rapidly wears off. For partners with chronic problems, all the hidden resentment about their life soon explodes from the pressure of having to pretend to be loving in order to fall into line with Christmas.

One lady from Ireland told me online that she too, for the first time, is spending Christmas on her own this year with her dog. She had been railroaded into 'celebrating' Christmas first by her mother, and then by domineering relatives ever since she could remember and she could not pretend another year. She had to stop the endless parties and drinking and the forced gaiety. She didn't know how she would feel on Christmas Day, but she was looking forward to being entirely on her own "with champagne and a log fire"!

I took my hat off to her while wishing I could share her log fire. To go against the grain is not easy. It takes strength and courage when you are made to look odd or contentious, but the sense of relief and personal joy it gives must be tremendous.

As for my friend who sent the card, I will get in touch with her sometime next year, thank her for thinking of me and suggest that we keep in touch more regularly. Like many other people, I could have died this year and she would not have known, simply because friendship for her has been restricted to one Christmas card all year, and nothing else, as it is for millions who believe that reaching out to others applies only at Christmas.

But friendship has nothing to do with Christmas. It is a lifetime of love, care, compassion and, above all, forgiveness, which the festive season then allows us to celebrate together on Christmas Day with genuine gratitude and joy.

MERRY CHRISTMAS! Hope it is very enjoyable. :o)

Twitter: @ESiheraESC