Rape culture as seen by a non- feminist

I have to preface this blog post by mentioning some caveats: rape and sexual harassment are very emotionally charged topics, and some victims and advocates may very well object to and reject my commentary as an outside observer. I would implore you first to read my post and then judge.

There is also an earlier blog post about feminism which can give you some additional insight into my thoughts.

Rape culture is the hypothesis that there is a culture of sexual harassment and worse that protects the perpetrators and continues to hassle and victimize the victims. Usually, it is assumed that the victims are female and the perpetrators are male. More on that later.

There is a problem with the terms used concerning sexual violations. One might think that sexual assault, rape, and sexual harassment are unambiguous. They are not.

Sexual harassment can be anything from inappropriate touching over such rather odd perversions as Louis C.K.’s masturbating in front of unwilling onlookers to catcalling. While I count catcalling as the least grievous of the three, I am of two minds about the other two. The grievousness of a sexual violation isn’t easily quantified and may ultimately lie in the eye of the beholder.

While all of these things are inappropriate, and even the least outrageous instance outs the perpetrators as idiots, it is counterproductive to count them as the same offense. They are not, and counting them as though they were devalues the more grievous cases. Similarly, The definition of rape is unnecessarily complicated, i.e., by counting every instance of sex under the influence of intoxicants as rape, as advocated by, for example, Laci Green in her consent 101 video. In it, she claims that if they are too drunk to drive, they are too drunk to consent, period. While I find her and her work admirable, I need to disagree vehemently. While I am of course of the opinion that intoxicants can impede the ability to consent and make rational decisions in general, that point is not reached with the legal driving limit. What I aim to say is that at least in my opinion, you aren’t too drunk to consent when you are merely too drunk to drive. We are talking nuance here. Though the legal driving limit varies widely depending on country and jurisdiction, It usually errs on the side of caution. Classifying drunken sex as rape in this way muddies the waters and relativizes the definition of the most heinous crime bar murder.

In light of the recent wave of allegations of sexual misconduct and harassment against influential people, I think it would be wise to introduce a new term into this blog: the existent notion of sexual coercion, distinct from sexual assault and harassment, but depending on the exact situation varied in its severity. There are no clear-cut distinctions here, being forced into a sexual situation may well be perceived as being more violating than forceful rape. It depends on the individual victim and their emotional response. It indeed isn’t enough to merely classify the amount of force involved. There is an interesting debate to be had whether relationships with an uneven power dynamic can ever be ethical.

But if there is an explicit quid pro quo stipulation, as there was in the case of Roger Ailes and others, it certainly is a horrendous abuse of power. It should also be noted that unfortunately, one of Harvey Weinstein’s excuses for an excuse, rings true: “It was a different time.”

I am not one of the people who deny rape culture ever existed or exists in certain circles and cultures. However, it is undoubtedly true that times have changed and that sexual harassment and sexual coercion are less socially acceptable than they have been in ages past. Past but not forgotten.

There are still people in positions of power who act as “gatekeepers” and explicitly demand sexual favors for career advancements. Ultimately it may be necessary to let time pass and let these relics of the past die off.

Why am I saying this? Because sexual coercion and quid pro quo deals are, though scandalous and unethical, in and on itself not explicitly illegal. We only see the tip of the iceberg, where a legal or moral line was crossed, not the cases in which the “offer” was accepted. Of course, here again, we need to distinguish. I set offer in quotations for a reason. If the situation is one with a wildly uneven power dynamic it isn’t an offer, or in the worst case, an offer one can’t refuse.

All of this, and especially the width of the ongoing scandals may be taken as proof that we indeed live in a rape culture. I ultimately need to leave the subjective determination to the reader. Because yes, this is not an objective matter.

Do I believe we still live in a rape culture? No, and I consider the notion to be potentially harmful. Why? As shocking as the recent allegations and the # #metoo is, it shows one thing: that the mighty can, and should, fall. By reinforcing in victims that our society will turn against them when they speak up, they are less likely to, and the abuse can continue unchecked.

I am not saying your effort will necessarily be rewarded with a conviction; that would be a lie. The statistics show that without proof the chances aren’t all that great. But, one thing they will do is they will shine a spotlight which in turn can make it much harder for a predator to prey on yourself and others. And there is also catharsis in bringing these matters into the light of day I’m told. Ask yourself: If you don’t speak up, will you ever be over what happened? Will you ever stop wishing you spoke up? It might be considered presumptuous as somebody who didn’t share your experience, but I am confident I couldn’t.

Here I need to address the case for a change in the justice system concerning the burden of proof: I am unequivocally and absolutely opposed. We, as a society took a long time to transition from mob justice to innocent till proven guilty. I am well aware that a trial puts more strain on victims than speaking up anonymously does; the same is true for the victims of any crime.

By shifting the burden of proof, we would create a system ripe for abuse. Contrary to the hypothesis of rape culture, the mere anonymous accusation of rape or sexual misconduct can destroy a person’s livelihood and send a mob of self-righteous vigilantes after them. Though it seems unfair, victims must go through the process and prove their case in court.

Yes, there will be doubters and people demanding proof, myself amongst them, but there will also be people on your side, people who will unconditionally support you.

Lastly, there will be people thankful for your struggle, because it exposes and thus renders inert another potential monster. I count myself also amongst this third group of people.

To anybody in the “listen and believe” crowd, the very vigilantes I mentioned, I recommend careful and pensive lecture of Harper Lee’s “To Kill a Mockingbird.”

I am not a victim of any kind of sexual infringement, and though I can and do sympathize, I ultimately do not know what it feels like. If you feel that disqualifies me from speaking out on this matter, this is your prerogative. But this kind of “argument” is to me highly suspect since it seeks to bar anybody speaking up against a potential course of action, leaving the political playing field to understandably distraught victims and their advocates.

One thing I need to mention is assumptions about the gender of the victims and perpetrators. It is commonly assumed that only men are perpetrators and women victims. That is a potentially dangerous false conclusion. Not only can men be victims – as cases like Kevin Spacey prove, but women can be and are perpetrators. If they abuse an uneven power balance, i.e., in a teacher-pupil relationship than it is every bit as amoral as in the opposite case. Growing up, the first adult woman I had sexual fantasies about was a teacher of mine. Now nothing ever happened, she was never anything but professional and I also never told her about my feelings. But had I and had she reciprocated than the resulting relationship would have been one with an uneven power balance and abusing what should have been an inherently professional relationship, and thus unethical. And relationships like that are seen much more leniently by society and the legal system than between men and young girls. There are also societal tendencies to belittle and relativize male victimhood and female guilt. This matter, the matter of the differing societal dynamics based on gender is a very complex one and deserving of its own blog post, which it might get in the future. But back to the victims.

If you have been the victim of a crime, I feel for you. As mentioned before, I believe leaving you with the mindset that you need to fear repercussions if you speak up is counterproductive. I will now presume to give hopefully helpful tips to you. Hate me for it if you must, but listen.

Never forget you are not alone, not without support, but perhaps even more important, in your pain. And while I can emphasize with the wish to retreat and cry - I have felt this myself numerous times for different reasons – doing so will leave your attacker free to continue victimizing you and others.

Never seek the fault with yourself. You are not responsible for what happened. Even if you navigated into a potentially dangerous situation, your attacker has agency. They can choose to do the right or wrong thing.

If there is any physical evidence of a crime, try to preserve it. Your first impulse may well be to wash yourself clean of them. I know from my own, unrelated trauma that only time, support and potentially therapy make you better. And it will destroy evidence that could be used against your victimizer. It will make it that much more difficult to persecute them and put them where they belong.

Speak out! If not to police, to somebody else you trust. I know how hard that must be, but if there are witnesses not of the act itself, but of your outcry, then they can be used once you find the inner strength to expose them in front of the world. If that is too hard or if there is no one you trust, preserve a written record.

I was told by someone who read this blog before it was published that this last point isn’t as clear-cut as I might have thought. They deserve credit that this blog post is as good as it is, no matter how bad you think it is, it was worse before. Based on their criticism, I made changes here and there, but here I wish to clarify that the following was not something that I came up with on my own.

Sometimes victims need years to process and understand what happened to them - especially if they are very young I imagine. That too is an understandable and natural reaction. My above tips are of course not meant as rebukes for these victims, but as a hopefully helpful pointer for those who realized they have been violated and are capable of acting. They are intended to facilitate the prosecution of the perpetrator, and thus to protect yourself and others.

Lastly, even though I know I will incur the notion of victim blaming, here are some tips to prevent being victimized in the first place. This is not to shame or make victims blame themselves, but merely to protect others. It is true that in a perfect world your actions won’t endanger you. We do not live in a perfect world.

Do not fall into the trap that if you do everything right, you cannot be victimized, that it had to have been something you did. As the Bill Cosby situation proves, there are veritable predators amongst us, wolves in sheep's clothing. And I am well aware that many perpetrators are people we trust. My tips can only help protect you. They won’t keep you safe in every situation. That being said, they certainly may help.

Listen to your instincts. Do not let societal norms and manners make you enter a situation you are not comfortable with. Better to hurt some feelings than being victimized. If you later find out that you were overly cautious, you can always make amends. But you can’t un-rape yourself.

Imbibe or otherwise consume legal and illegal intoxicants only in settings you feel safe in, and try to stay vigilant. You should also avoid drinking from a glass you haven't had in your sight or given to you by a stranger.

Avoid being alone in settings or around people you are uncomfortable with. As in the above tip, your instincts are your best friend. Listen to yourself.

Prepare for a physical confrontation! Predators target those they think are defenseless or physically weak. Bearing in mind the principles of self-defense may protect you when everything else fails. Taking a course to teach you is time well invested.

Finally, do not presume that you cannot be victimized. There is no “victim look” or societal victim status. You owe it to yourself to be vigilant and take care of yourself, no matter who you are.

Of course, there is much more to say about this matter, but I, as a writer need to balance brevity and conciseness with detail in order to not lose the attention of my reader. I find that it is the hardest thing to express deep emotion in writing, and balance empathy with objectivity. As mentioned in my prior blog post, these blogs constitute an effort to get feminists & social justice advocates on one side and antis on the other back to the table. Here is a question: Do you consider such a dialogue to be worthwhile? I openly welcome your thoughts and criticisms, as well as personal narratives if you wish to share them.