How Weak Principles Rob us of Confidence And Direction

Having weak and inconsistent values or principles can be deadly, because it relates to our basic psyche: what we actually believe and use to guide our actions. If we believe in doing something in a certain way, and have convinced ourselves that it is the right way to act, to then change it purely to please someone else is asking for trouble. We would have changed on the outside, but as we still have that original value lurking around, there will be immediate conflict between accommodating the new behaviour and justifying it against what we feel is right.

Arlene was 22 and did not drink. She hated alcohol, but she also wanted to be part of a group who enjoyed their drinks, and were frequently out pub-crawling. Often she would decline to go out, because she preferred to talk or dance, instead of 'worshipping the bottle', as she saw it. But as she was often left on her own, she felt uneasy about it. Then came Danny, a heavy drinker, and a popular new member of the group. She hated when he was drunk, but he made her feel great when he wasn't. Wanting to be with him, she accepted an invitation to join them drinking, but felt awful afterwards.

By the following week she had recovered enough to do it again, after much guilt feelings about going against her principles. She also blamed Danny for plying her with too much drink the second time, and for being 'silly'. Danny thought she was being rather immature and this made her feel even more sheepish and guilty. It did nothing for her appeal either, neither did it boost her confidence. Having abandoned her own strong principles regarding drinking, this limited her actions and forced her to go along with the crowd, even though she hardly enjoyed it, and felt it was wrong. Yet it didn't make her any more acceptable to the group, or bring her any closer to the man she cared about, because Danny went off with someone else 'who didn't have such hang-ups' about drinking.

When we go along with the crowd for the sake of it, our behaviour becomes superficial, and we cease to take responsibility for our actions. 

The Urgent Need to Belong

Arlene did not have to drink alcohol but it meant a great deal to her to be one of the pack, which explains why we often go against our principles, simply for acceptance and approval. We want to belong so much, whether to a friendship circle, church group, drama group, society, or a select college clique, sometimes we would do anything to be included. It is at these times that personal beliefs come under scrutiny, and often make us feel uncomfortable, especially if they do not conform to the beliefs and actions of the significant ones around us, and those whom we are trying to impress.

When we go along with the crowd for the sake of it, our behaviour becomes superficial, and we cease to take responsibility for our actions. We often break the promises we make to ourselves, and go along with something we feel is inherently wrong for the sake of it. But, with that action, we unwittingly set up a cycle of self-guilt, remorse, unhappiness, loss of confidence, loss of esteem, and more guilt. We cannot convince ourselves we've done the right thing because, subconsciously, by our standards, we know we haven't.

Like people of minority cultures who immediately abandon what they have practised and believed in for the 'better' looking majority culture. They tend to live in a kind of no man's land for ages, before coming to terms with their identity, because they had probably been too quick to abandon their own traditions without putting anything of substance in their place.

We really have to decide what is right for us and stick with it, regardless. There is no harm in compromising, but not for short term gain. Change should also mean sharing for mutual benefit, not just seeking the approval of others so that we have nothing left for us. Reluctantly going against our own values to please other people merely damages our confidence, without giving us anything valuable in return.

When we deny our roots, culture, principles, and beliefs for expediency - anything that has helped to mould our character, or way of life, and made us feel secure -€“ without having anything equally worthwhile, or convincing, with which to replace it, we also damage our credibility and esteem, and leave ourselves open to rejection and ridicule. In effect, we become just a caricature of what we hope to be, while finding it difficult to convince others of our sincerity.

#weakprinciples #lowselfesteem #confidence

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