Boring
My inner introvert was quite shocked to notice that I have over 16000 views to my silly little channel here on Minds, in less than a year. My inner child (who wasn't all that popular in school) is utterly confused that many people (or at least that many visitors) have come across this space I've created for myself. My inner nerd is completely gobbsmacked. (Full disclosure, this happens to me all the time. Every time someone likes or comments on a fic I've written, I get this feeling. Every time I share my idea for my play and receive encouragement, I get this feeling. And I still don't know what to do with such emotions. I constantly ask myself, 'What's the "right" response?' Because, 'Thank you' seems overused and doesn't quite convey the plethora of emotions that such experiences raise.)
I'm a nerd. I'm not the kind of nerd to go to conventions, or do cos-play (Except at Halloween), or who buys all kinds of fandom paraphernalia. I'm the kind that gets interested in a topic and researches the hell out of it just because I'm interested. (Which means, I'm one of those nerds who knows a little bit of everything, because I've studied a little bit of everything.) I don't TRY to be a know-it-all, but I do know a hell of a lot because if there's something I don't understand, I will work and study until I do understand it (or at least understand it well enough to satisfy my curiosity). This has confounded my family to no end and I think 90% of the time, they think I'm making crap up. (And perhaps that's WHY I research everything: it's that inner child who feels she always has to prove herself to her family. If I just know enough, research enough, use the right language, they'll believe me. Bygones.)
I've never smoked (because when I tried, I discovered it caused all kinds of breathing issues - basically, I'm allergic), never done illegal drugs, never done legal drugs illegally, I only have 2 body piercings (one in each ear), I don't consume alcohol often (if ever). I never really liked the 'rock'n roll' scene, the alternative scene, or the punk scene. (Though I do enjoy all those kinds of music, and the off-time I've been onstage for such, I really did enjoy it. But the environment - as a spectator - is completely overstimulating for me.)
Basically, I'm totally and completely boring. There is no other word to describe me. Oh, that doesn't make me any less a storyteller or writer. Being boring doesn't mean I'm not a 'jack of all trades'. Quite the opposite. I think I'm good at those things because I am boring. Those things are 'breaking out of my box.' It's a different mentality of functioning for me. It's a different way of sharing all of those things I know or have studied. But, in the end, it's still just spreading my 'wealth of knowledge'. To an extent, it is being a know-it-all. It's just hidden a bit, like wearing a costume.
Sure, a lot of this might have something to do with my depression. In fact, a great majority of this probably does have something to do with my depression. Depression very VERY rarely allows me to see anything good or positive about myself. (Unless I do a HELL of a lot of work against it and frankly, I'm usually too tired from all the masks I wear at work to put that much effort into myself on my own time.) It only occasionally allows me to agree with others (or even accept with a simple 'thank you') when they give me a compliment or congratulate me on something. This is one of the reasons why I'm always shocked when people enjoy/compliment anything I do.
It doesn't matter if the visitors are the same person or different. I'm honestly surprised that people are that interested at all. Basically, I'm sitting here wondering why you all are spending (Depression says "wasting") your time on someone as boring as I am.
Some of the more prolific blogwriters would probably say "1600 over a year is nothing! I hit that in a MONTH!" Okay, fair point. But I'm only writing about those topics that pop into my head and I'm not necessarily trying to attract readers. If it happens, great, if not, well this is my version of 'shouting at the world, because no one is listening.' (Thank you, Donna Noble and 10.2) And I'm not a regular poster. (I have plenty of other writing to do, so, these posts happen when they happen and I'm okay with that.)
And that brings me back to this play I'm writing. I'm shocked that people are interested in it. I'm surprised that people are starting to hold me accountable for working (or not working) on it. And not in a negative way in the - they want to see the finished product way. Well, that is difficult during the school-year, because all of my energy goes into... work. But, it also means that I need to refocus and recommit myself. Well, that's great in theory, but practice leaves a lot to be desired.
I'm not repsoting the rest of this blog entry, because so much has changed since the last time I wrote it. But my struggle with theory and practice remain the same. I thought I would just fall into my new work-life balance easily and all those projects I said I didn't have time to do before I would have time to do now. Only they still sit there - unfinished. So, I need to simply recommit myself to them.
November is National Novel Writing Month. While I don't have any plans for novels, I think I'm going to use that time to recommit myself to these various projects I should be working on. But that is a change that I don't know if I'm ready to make. And yet, it's a change I need to make.
The thing that's stopping me is: at the end of the day, I'm boring and change is hardest on those who are boring.