E-motional E-xposure

I am still on Instagram. I like the set up. I like the photo album and using it to attach my thoughts to specific photos. I am open and honest about dark pieces of myself and how I use those spaces to further my spiritual development. I don't shy away from any topic ro piece of my mind that others would feel is too risky to talk about. Over the years I have made countless friends that I have yet to meet in person, but speak to off of Instagram, Just because of that. Because they began following me and we struck up conversations. Many of them have come to me off of Instagram, privately asking about different things they are having trouble with.  In a way using me as their therapist. That is why I speak about the things I speak about. That is why I keep pushing through my fears. There is NO VALUE that I can place on that. It is priceless.  It blows my mind every, single, time. So I keep pushing.  I received a private message last night and was able to respond today. This is the conversation: Spencer: Hey A?? This is Spencer  We had exchanged numbers waaaay back when you were still in PA I think.  A: Yes this is A hey Spencer!  I remember texting you asking how you get to protest and all  Spencer : Hiiiii ✌🏿✌🏿✌🏿 A: The answer was, move to WV and find some cool people😊 haha.  But I feel like I need some advice from someone who seems to devote himself to growing spiritually and emotionally. This is gonna be long!  Do you ever go through depression and lose touch with all of that? I feel like I have slipped so much and have been finding it so hard to get back to feeling grounded and whole. Partially because my stress about money is so intense. I don't eat some days because I straight up just have no money and I can't afford rent and it makes me want to give up in every way, when I should be finding so much more beauty and balance in it, right? But when shit is really bad, or you're really depressed, how do you remain in touch with that part of you? Do you have a routine that you stick to to practice yoga and meditation? And what helps you??  You're probably like girl wtf  Get yo shit togetherrrrrrrr But, I look up to you a lot for your mind and lifestyle and advice that you give (even though it's just on social media) and I would value any words of wisdom from you  Spencer : 😱😭😇 Wow  Never will I say "get your shit together" with something like this  Fuck  Um where to even begin...  A: And I should probably be more clear what I mean when I say I "slip" from that. I mean I get angry, I lose all self confidence, I am angry towards my boyfriend for his own lack of consciousness and the fact that he isn't helping guide me which might be unfair (I loved your story yesterday btw) No it's totally okay don't feel pressured ! Spencer : Crying right now  Thank you for this  Oh don't worry I feel no pressure  A: Of course Spencer thank you  Spencer : Okay so I'm Only going to say these things to you based purely off of my own experiences and the fact that you have asked me to speak on it  A: Okay shoot  Spencer: I'm actually going to get on iMessage from my computer because it's easier to type that way gimme a sec :)  A: For sure :) Spencer : “Do you ever go through depression and lose touch with all of that?” .....EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY!!!!!! but it’s so important to ALLOW all of that in that moment. and it’s hard, it’s going to be hard. it’s still hard for me every single day especially when I’m in that moment.... but as cheesy as it may sound the trick really is to lose all attachment to that moment. to that emotion. to really “let go” of how it should be. Obvi everyone’s situation will be different but if you allow all of the compounding (because they are so many) pressures to all cave in on you.... then what do you have? all you’ve done is collect everyone else shit and turn it into your own. Because all of those pressures are essentially coming from outside and then you internalize them. Why do people say things like those pressures you make up in your mind? Well i don’t believe that, I believe that they DO COME FROM OUTSIDE and our mind internalizes them. I believe that the mind is how we connect to those things outside of us. so if i’m  consistently letting those pressures into my head space.... I am becoming just what they want me to be. Mush. I had admitted publicly last year to being depressed. I don’t know if I still have the video on here but I had a whole story on my page about it and how I deal with it. And as soon as I did that, as soon as I stopped pretending to be this happy thing for people... that’s when it started to click. I mean there were many things over the years that added to all of that.....but it was when I LET GO of being afraid of what people would think... that’s really when things started to fall into place sorry it’s a lot and it’s going to keep coming...you asked for it so.... hahahaha Let me tell you a bit of my story so you know what’s been going on with me the past few months. I moved to Miami in March. and it was amazing. I felt so sexy. The sun was beating down on my constantly. I got new freckles hahaha... I felt like i was finally in a really creatively juicy place and I was having all of these insane spiritual things happen to me..... and here’s where it gets really fun.... SO MUCH “BAD” SHIT WAS HAPPENING. And that’s why it was so spiritual for me...because actually bad shit that could have had majorly awful effects on me kept happening. I moved 5 different times. had my car broken into. my last apartment flooded and got mold on my shit. I was hooking up with this one dude and smoke WAAAYYYY too much weed with him. I almost died the first night he and I hung out and told myself if i made it home alive I wouldn’t talk to him again but I didn’t follow through on that and had an STD scare because he was lying to me and then he went psycho stalker on me. BUT I DIDN’T LABEL any of it as bad. I let it all happen as it needed to. I stayed above it. Ya know how a dark cloud appears in the sky and it’s all nasty and rainy underneath it but above you can still see the sun shining so you know it won’t last forever? That’s what Miami was for me. It was so crazy and intense and amazing and fucked up and looking back I loved every second of it. so I decided to leave and I drove up the east coast and stopped in chincoteague virgina and stayed with a friend there for a few days. walked around the nature preserver naked. really just relaxed. eventually i made my way up to my hometown in upstate new york. and I haven’t been working since. bill collectors call every day. I’m not bothered by it. I’m now two months behind on those credit card bills (which are all filled up btw) but Amanda ya know what? I AM NOT MONEY. MONEY ISN’T REAL. Yes, in this current reality it does take money to be able to do shit. but i also had some moments that added up to me accepting that it’s all fake as fuck. the government. hollywood. this third dimensional reality is all fucking fake. the instagram spiritual movement..... FAKE! ( i can say more about that later......) It honestly HAS to come from within you have to trust yourself.... you have to know what your truth is. And that truth will become the truth for everyone. I just said to a friend yesterday that every time I see someone staring at me (which is practically every day because i’m apparently just that interesting hahahahaha) I smile and wave and say hi now especially if they’re extra hillhillyish hahaha *hillbillyish because i want to invite anyone and everyone in. If I’m professing to be this open person and want to create this new paradigm then how can i judge them for judging me when I don’t even know if that’s what they’re doing??? sure my mind will tell me that they’re looking at me because they think i’m weird and crazy and not normal but how can i exclude them or push them away?? i can’t. Be the change......that’s what it’s all about. Now of course that doesn’t mean that I let everyone in... no...I still have to read energy and if it’s a situation that I feel there’s some danger lurking.... duh.... gotta be smart about it.... YOU ARE NOT MONEY. YOU ARE NOT A COMMODITY! how do i remain in touch with that part of myself? hmmmmm I have found that so many of these instagram spiritual people kind of gloss over these used washed up and bastardized sayings and don’t really relate it to themselves....they just say this gloosyfied version of it ya know? but take something like “you are not what happens to you but how you react what happens to you”.....paraphrasing i guess...but take something like that.... Listen I am 33 years old. I am living with my parents in a house that was built in the 1700’s and is currently torn apart because they are remodeling a bit. but it’s taking forever because they’re not paying the guy... I’m not working....I have all this debt....meanwhile my ex whom i am still friends with is married and just got a mercedes...blah blah blah... but guess what... DEEEP DEEEEEEEEEP DEEEEEEEEEEEP DOWN, am I any of those things? no fucking way. i’m not that shit. I am not my bills. I am not a government commodity. I am not an ingester of dead flesh. I am my truth. I am this creative, boisterous, flowery, talented, passionate INDIVIDUAL. having that as my mantra, as my go to thought and allowing it to be there and present through everything....that’s what keeps me going. even when i’m sitting on my ass and not working on my physical fitness, or i slip up and have cows milk ice cream, or when I’m scrolling through IG too much and not working on getting back into school, or my resume, even when I feel i’m being a lazy fuck, i still know these things about myself. I know how special I am. but, get this...... I don’t meditate. I find it so difficult. and of course it’s difficult because I tell myself it is and I don’t actually practice. I don’t force myself to do it. It’s a recurring theme in my life as spencer. but i don’t beat myself up for it, and I don’t beat myself up for not being as physically active as I used to be and i don’t beat myself up for not doing yoga and i don’t beat myself up for not having thousands of IG followers and I just don’t beat myself up. whatever is happening, however my life is going is exactly how it needs to be going. there are people that say don’t have regrets don’t worry about what happened in the past and don’t stress about the future....but i’ve found that without examining my past then I can’t figure out how i need to continue. realizing that I keep making the same mistakes over and over again that’s been tremendously helpful. realizing that i have no idea what i want my future to be.... that’s been helpful also because i don’t have to force myself to be something i don’t want to be. and also accepting that I don’t fit into anyone else box of what i’m supposed to be in my 30’s....oh wow. i can literally be anything. i have all my crystals and shit.... and i try to meditate sometimes... but I let it happen as it has to.... sure I could force myself to do it....but in my mind it wouldn’t be organic.... I don’t want to be the kind of person that forces something when it might not be right for me..... because see, i see shit on my own. without the help of any special drugs. hahah I see auras, i see and more importantly FEEL energy. I have since I was a kid.... so could I work towards understanding all of that stuff more? absolutely....but I haven’t crossed paths with any mentor yet.... and I have a hard time accepting what others say I should do because I suppose I’m stubborn, but also I feel shit should happen organically. so could I put more pressure on myself? sure I could. But I don’t. let yourself be angry but then you have to question why you are getting that way don’t be angry at your boyfriend though.... because that’s just projecting on to him....we can’t ever say that anyone is more or less “conscious” than us.....that is the ego at it’s finest Also the emotions.... ALLOW ALLOW MOTHERFUCKING ALLOW I realized thru all the shit I went thru in Miami... that MY EMOTIONS ARE MY MAGICK. MY POWER. I ain't never gonna let no fucker tell me to not live from my heart again.  Here’s a song for you… Surprise Yourself - GRYFFIN x Manila Killa Remix by Jack Garratt https://open.spotify.com/track/5Q17mAldONliLKiSKpikRv Here’s a song for you… Climbing Trees - Original Mix by Justin Jay https://open.spotify.com/track/1VivLRrhAMcgibxr5ExPqF A: Spencer, you are so special and so honest. I have literally read everything you said over 4 times and I am crying so much because it hit everything I felt I wanted and needed to hear. You are so reassuring and so intelligent and again, so special. Thank you so much for pouring your heart into responding to me. I can honestly say just in the past hour of reading your words I have felt better than I have in a really little while. You are so real and raw and genuine, and appreciate that about you so much.  And you're so fucking right.  I owe two maxed out credit cards and am 3 months late on both too! And I let it make me feel like wanted to die. That is so wrong.... I let something that's not even real make me want my life over  It's insane and so depressing  Spencer  It's not wrong A. It happened. You let it get to you. That's okay. But that's over. Sure the "debt" is still there... but that moment of letting it get to you has passed  Let it be. But don't hold on to that thought.  Thank you for that. I have no more room for mistruths. For not exposing myself and my honesty and how I feel. That's all I have. I like to think that's all any of us has.  Also  You have to be your own support. And I don't mean that I won't be there for you when you need it like now... duh we all need that from a friend.... but you have to be able to listen to yourself deep down and trust yourself. The term "guru" has been so bastardized.... looking to others for spiritual direction.... that's not where the answers are. They are literally all within. 💙💙 A I 100% agree. I think that's actually a problem of mine is that I needed to just talk to someone in general. I started keeping everything in because I want my family and friends to think/ know I'm doing okay. And Idk watching your story last night I was just like, I want some advice from this guy. I can see goodness in your eyes and I assumed you had been through a lot for some reason.  And even if we never talked again and I never met you, your words are so deeply meaningful for me just from this day and this moment in time and they will last forever as I grow.   Don't stop talking and putting your words out there because they are special  Spencer : I won't :)  And ya know what....  If you want your family to know you're okay... I mean I don't know them or how they are with you... fortunately my family doesn't pressure me or judge me. They k w I'm crazy and still love me. So I'm blessed in that regard. But I don't hide when I'm going through shit. I can't. They know when I'm having problems.