Building A Fence To Protect Your Health
When I began to apply boundaries the effect was immediate. I had a refuge of health in my own home.
Let me use my son to illustrate the need for boundaries. I have an unusual son. He is brimming with energy. He has been driven to achieve since birth. He could not crawl soon enough. Walk soon enough. Talk soon enough. His desire to learn is much higher than usual. He saw through our parenting tricks quickly. For example we would be getting ready to go home by saying.
"Would you like to go right now or in five minutes?"
He would choose, "Five minutes."
Five minutes later we would leave and he had to accept this departure. That only worked a few times. Soon instead of selecting the second option he had devised a third.
"All the minutes."
It hasn't ended there. He will negotiation for every inch conceded to him. I recall one time while watching a movie we instructed him to not touch the DVD player. We had to loudly remind him several times as his fingers probed toward the buttons. When he was convinced we were adamant he turned his back to it. He stared at us as he slowly backed up until his bum was touching the DVD player. We couldn't stop from laughing, he had pushed the boundary in every way he could conceive.
His healthy desire to achieve can get him into trouble. Likewise many of the good desires within us can be hijacked to unhealthy ends. The biggest source of this is the invasion of technology into our lives. Social media, entertainment, and work can keep us engaged every waking moment.
When uncontrolled we can easily fall into an addictive cycle of use. Checking emails, reading articles, or catching up on social media. These activities distract from negative emotion. For me this is especially common in the evening, a time when I should be winding down and getting to bed, I was spending time on a screen. Thoughts of guilt about getting to bed were pushed aside by the urge to keep reading, watching, or listening.
These things are good when used in moderation, with boundaries set. Unbounded these technologies will take every concession allowed. I was beginning to realize I needed a solution. A year into my recovery I found it:
Feel free to read the article in that link, its worth the read. The cliff notes are essentially:
In early European history people slept twice in the twelve hour darkness of night. The modern eight hours, but in two pieces. The article includes the theories and a modern study on the topic. It gave me the insight into the root of my current problem:
They had a refuge built into their daily lives. While I had none.
I knew that a true "Two Sleeps" method wouldn't be practical. Yet I was determined to set up a boundary in my life from technology. I began by blacking out my bedroom windows. That evening I set my first boundary, eight pm. I went in the room, shut the door, and lay down.
The effect was immediate. I felt the same calm environment that I experience when backpacking miles into the wild. It was calming. It was healing. I knew I was on the right track. I had created a refuge in my own home, available every day.
Part of the two sleeps is engaging in restful activities during the night. The next step I took was to purchase an electricity free light source for reading. If you have a good candle that will do. I decided to get an oil lantern. I was set. I continued to retire to my refuge at eight pm. I would read, but only for about ten minutes before I was tired and went to sleep. This continued for the next weeks as I paid off my sleep debt.
The difference was significant. Soon I had caught up on my rest. I would retire to my sanctuary to read or talk with my wife. I would feel relaxed and tire much sooner than my typical eleven pm bed time. I would fall asleep and awake rested.
This daily refuge quickly became a pillar to my recovery and continued health. The principle of boundaries are crucial in this modern age. As with any of my teachings, apply them, and see how it will help you.