Supergirl S01E14 Review (Parody)

Truth, Justice and the American Way

 

Seriously? You just stole Superman content in the last episode and now you steal his slogan too? Don't you have no respect at all?

I hope CBS gets sued soon.

 

"Kara battles the Master Jailer while dealing with a second assistant at CatCo and disagreeing with James over the DEO's methods."

imdb.com

And what does this plot summary has to do with "Truth, Justice and the American Way" at all? Master Jailer...I have a bad feeling about this.

 

 

International City:

Alex and her retarded sister are sitting on a couch in Kira's luxury apartment drinking beer and watching a still image of some desert landscape - probably Google Maps imagery of the DEO HQ. Kira tries to gain the attention of her adopted sister by breathing obnoxiously loud.

Alex: "What is it? I'm trying to figure out why we are watching boring pictures on your 40" plasma screen."

 

Stupor-Girl: "I should probably just go to bed." (actual dialogue)

 

Do you need permission from your elder sister? And since when do Kryptonians need sleep anyway? You played the Sleeping Not-So-Beauty in the last episode!

Stupor-Girl: "I have to see Ms. Grant tomorrow and since what happened with Adam and missing work..it's bad."

 

How about you quit and get full-time paid as DEO agent? Just a guess from someone with a functional brain.

Alex: "Okay, come here. No thinking, just hugging." (actual dialogue)

 

Yes, thinking doesn't work in this show so just skip that part. A smart superheroine doesn't fly with 3rd wave feminism.

Stupor-Girl: "Y'know, I really miss Astra." (actual dialogue)

 

WTF? You left her dead corpse in the public parking lot...you clearly give a shit about her!

Stupor-Girl: "If I just had some more time...I could have brought her home..brought her back." (actual dialogue)

 

Are you really so fucking retarded? "Bring her home"? You know that your home planet is now a giant cloud of space pepples?

Stupor-Girl: "If Hank hadn't..."

 

...pretended to have impaled her with a kryptonite machete? I see where this is going - old drama gone, new drama enters. This universe would cease to exist if they run out of schmalz one day.

Sigh. Can't wait for Doomsday to squash you to pulp.

Suddenly Non enters only to interrupt Alex' attempt to confess she killed space auntie.

Non-El: "See how easy it was to find out where you live? You really should quit refusing to use your super-advanced alien brain niche."

 

Alex: "Not a chance."

 

True, especially since you are pointing a useless gun at Mr. Invincible. Your alien expert skills are fickle. Or do you constantly carry kryptonite ammo around Alex? No wonder Kira is soo tired all of a sudden.

Non-El: "I came here for the most ridiculous following scene in this show."

 

 

Stupor-Girl and Non-El meet up in the night sky above National City to celebrate an old kryptonian custom of Floating Funerals™? (Trademark is pending)

Non-El: "She wanted you to be here." (actual dialogue)

 

WTF?

I just called the DEA to have everyone involved in this episode get raided because what follows next must have made out of a heavily drugged mind. No one sane would have come up with such shenanigans.

Some earthly, christian bells try to subliminally give this scene some sad touch but makes it utterly ridiculous instead.

Non-El: "Do you remember our customs? The surviving female must lead the rites." (actual dialogue)

 

.

 

..

 

...groan

 

..

 

What if there is no female left? Who does the rites then? The female dog?

Stupor-Girl strokes the coffin and a stupid hologram of dead Astra flickers on it and at first I feared she would start singing a shitty mantra or so because she is from Glee.

Stupor-Girl: "You have been the sun of our lives, our prayers are the light that guides you on the journey home..."

 

Yadda-yadda...

I didn't knew this technologically advanced species of superhuman beings were so religious? They probably "believed" their planet wouldn't blow up...

And then the coffin floats slowly into an incoming Boeing 747, explodes into a giant fiery ball of doom engulfing the city below and everyone dies horribly.

Well, this is what should have happen since no one who observes the sky for a living seems to give a shit what's going on up there.

Non-El: "The next coffin will be for you."

 

Oh yes, please!!!

There were no Floating Funerals™ for all those dead DEO agents, soldiers, Hellgromites, Vartoxes and Spider-Alien's...because fuck those guys.

 

 

Area 51 - Funeral Feast:

Hank Henshaw: "How long until Non returns?"

 

Stupor-Girl: "Two weeks. It takes this long to carry her coffin to Rao - the kryptonian Sun God."

 

Two Kryptonian weeks or Earth weeks? You know Krypton was way bigger and further away from its red sun and so might have a slightly different timelapse.

Stupor-Girl is angry about Hank of course because he killed her overly beloved auntie in self-defense. Remember when she was 120% behind Hank because he "had her back a million times"? Someone should inject her with some golden Kryptonite and call it a day please.

Random DEO Agent: "Ma'am? Prisoner 5090 demands to talk to you."

 

Why not call him Maxwell Smart since he is probably the only human prisoner in Area 51? And how did Stupor-Girl knows who prisoner 5090 is? No one mentioned the number before. As far as I know it could be the white martian as well.

But of course it is Maxwell Smart who demands early parole for making a McGuffin work that helped ruining the perfect illusion of a normal life on Krypton.

Stupor-Girl: "What is it? You demand access to your NetFlix account?"

 

Haha, very funny since NetFlix would never air such a terrible executed TV show and therefore couldn't exist in this universe. You know why? They made DareDevil and Jessica Jones - two Marvel TV shows that are brilliantly made and from a competitive company. Compared to NetFLix, CBS and CW are the retarded cousins you would never invite to a birthday party.

But I digress.

 

 

CatCo - Catapult Corrosion:

Winn is waiting at the elevators in hope Stupor-Girl decides to show up at work. Keep in mind she didn't had the chance to get some sleep - it is not a justification of what follows next, just to display how stupid the dialogue will turn.

Winn: "We have a serious problem."

 

Stupor-Girl: "I know, in two weeks Non will unleash his vendetta on earth."

 

Winn: "WTF are you talking about you stupid space-bimbo? I don't know anything about your uncle being away for two weeks because of some strange alien rituals you never told me about since it JUST happen this night!"

 

Ohh...wait. That were my thoughts again...sorry.

Winn: "Yes, I know all about that because you tweeted it this morning? But what I meant is far, far more important because it is about your way more important job here at CatCo."

 

Stupor-Girl: "That is strange, there is another desk here in this giant office building full of desks. And how do you pronounce that name?

Seriously? You are too stupid to pronounce "Siobhan Smythe"? You are from an advanced species of superhumans that are able to create dimension pockets and FTL drives but an irish name makes you stumble? I want to see you visit India one day and try to not insult everyone by trying to spell their names. Damnit, I digress again...

Cat Grant: "I see you already met ʃəˈvɔːn)." (actual dialogue)

 

No she didn't Ms Grunt. Kira is standing obviously at ʃəˈvɔːn)'s desk but ʃəˈvɔːn) isn't present.

ʃəˈvɔːn) teleports into the frame.

ʃəˈvɔːn): "Hello, I'm ʃəˈvɔːn)."

 

This is like an episode of the Sesame Street.

Cat Grant: "Assistant #2 meet assistant #1."

 

Stupor-Girl: "I'm now assistant #2?

 

ʃəˈvɔːn): "Your coffee Ms. Grant. I personally flew to South America to pluck the beans, roast them and brew this cup of delicious liquid to show the audience what real female empowerment is all about. If that isn't bum-licky enough for you then I can masticate your lunch as well so you don't have to spent valuable time chewing."

 

Cat Grant: "I'm fine with Kira playing call center and while you come into my office to remind where I left my glasses."

 

 

Cat Grant: "Maxwell Smart is missing and it's up to my responsibility to save him. Ah, the burden of power." (actual dialogue)

 

This is how super-villains tend to monologue.

Cat Grant: "Assistant #1 - leave. Lawyer with Pentagon connections - use your Pentagon contacts. Cracking photojournalist - start cracking." (actual dialogue)

 

.

 

..

 

...still 35 minutes left on this show...

 

..

 

I went to a full body waxing for 2 hours and it wasn't even remotely as painful as watching this specific episode.

 

 

James has a chat with Stupor-Girl about Ruth, Justine and the American Hay...just to justify the title for this episode.

James: "I don't care if the DEO cares about civil rights, they're the government and therefore assholes by default but your ethics concern me."

 

Excuse me...Mr. Cracking Photojournalist? Wasn't it you who convinced Winn to hack into MaxLabs to be able to break into private property not so long ago?

You should be more concerned about your own moral standards you fucking hypocrite.

 

 

Area 51 - Now with prisoner numbers!

Hank Henshaw: "Prisoner #4711 from Fort Rozz is hiding conveniently in National City, living a normal life because he conveniently looks like a Joe Average and is doing nothing illegal. But since he is an alien, sentenced by a long dead alien society we have to violently hunt him down and lock him up underground without trial or civil rights - because he is an alien!"

 

DEO Agents: "Oorah! We show this alien scum how we Americans deal with illegal immigrants!"

 

Someone blows into the "Trump-et" and they march. But they justify this hunt because he is a shapeshifter as well and looks ugly to the human eye in his original form..oh, and he eats rotting flesh. What a criminal scumbag indeed.

All hail the Vegans!

Warehouse 23:

The DEO platoon surrounds an abandon warehouse to capture an alien with the character traits of a hyena. There are only four locations in this show - cafeteria, CatCo, Area 51 and some random, abandoned industrial areas. If I would be a human-looking alien, I wouldn't hide in abandoned complexes - I would hide behind a daily job, living in a cheap apartment complex like any other, earthly illegal immigrant would do. And how did they find him there anyway? Where does the intel come from? They surely don't have some kind of Recon team or do they pay hobos to keep an eye open for suspicious activity?

Alex: "On my mark on three...one..two..."

 

DEO Agent #69: "Did we forget our radios? What's with team B on the other side? How will they know when to...?"

 

Alex: "Three! Hut-hut-hut-hut..."

 

Prisoner #4711 already awaits them with a sad face and being chained up.

Prisoner #4711: "Help me, I'm bondaged by another cheap Iron Man cosplayer!"

 

Iron Man cosplayer #2: "I just waited for you to display how powerful I am and then leave, even though I could have been long gone with the prisoner."

 

Hank Henshaw: "Agent Danvers! What happened?"

 

Alex: "Some alien did our job already. Is it too late to change career? Because the DEO really sucks at their jobs."

 

 

Area 51 - Aftermath Analysis:

Hank Henshaw looks at some still images of the Iron Man 2 cosplayer but it isn't explained who took the pictures considering they were all busy staying alive.

Hank Henshaw: "Dang! That is some pretty advanced alien weaponry!"

 

Did you figure that out by looking at a guy in a shitty cosplay suit? Maybe you should call yourself the alien expert here Hank.

Alex: "The question why, when, how and because?"

 

Stupor-Girl: "Thanks for not inviting me to the party."

 

Hank Henshaw: "You're welcome."

 

Stupor-Girl: "That was sarcasm! Sir."

 

Hank Henshaw: "Copy that. Now back to pressing matters. This guy uses chains and acts like a interstellar bounty hunter. Any ideas?"

 

Stupor-Girl: "...duh.."

 

Alex: "Oh my...could it be...?"

 

Stupor-Girl: "What?"

 

Hank Henshaw: "No, this show is PG-13. Despite the immense success of Deadpool lately, they wouldn't dare to brim HIM into this show."

 

Stupor-Girl: "Who?"

 

Hank Henshaw: "The only guy in the galaxy who would love to hook up with you. He has a wolfish grin and is kinda Lone Wolf guy but he loves to ride along."

 

Stupor-Girl: "Oh, you mean Bobo? No wait...was it Lubu? No that doesn't sound right...maybe..."

 

Alex: "We found no matching image in our database."

 

That's because you suck. Call the Green Lantern Corps.

Stupor-Girl: "Maybe he has done this before and ran into law enforcement?"

 

Hank Henshaw: "And we, the DEO wouldn't know about this? That a super-powered guy in a suit is hunting alien criminals?"

 

Oh...wait, that was me again...please continue.

Alex: "We ask the NCPD to hand over their X-Files to us."

 

This happens.

 

So, what's the big deal? A criminal alien got arrested - problem solved! Go home and have some hanky-panky.

 

 

Somewhere else - A spaceship? A fancy prison? An alien court?

Give us at least a bit of information and stop scrolling the names of the people involved with this turd as if anyone cares! We are already at the 14 minutes mark damnit! This looks now more like a list of fallen soldiers as an analogy of ruined careers because of this show. Yes, dear audience, look at those names and morn. Those careers are over.

Prisoner #4711, like the white martian is still in his human look disguise and looks pretty frightened which again raises my suspicions why he was hunted like an alien terrorist like everyone else.

Not Lobo: "Prisoner #4711, you've been very naughty and I'm here to give you the Krampus."

 

Prisoner #4711: "There is no death penalty on Krypton." (actual dialogue)

 

Except for staying on Krypton while it blows up.

Not Lobo: "We are not on Krypton...obviously."

 

And then, the Master-Jailer - who is a Master in Jailing - uses his Force-Powers to decapitate the helpless prisoner with a Laser-Guillotine™  while monologuing about justice. This really happens.

Why aliens invented a similar device of barbaric violence like the humans when they have an inter-dimensional space prison is beyond any logic or suspension of disbelief. What's next? Laser-Nunchaku's™? (Trademark is pending)

 

 

NCPD - Which doesn't even look the slightest like a Los Angeles Police Department building...no no sir:

Seriously, it's like with the reoccurring establishing shot of National City showing the famous U.S. Bank Tower in hopes no one would recognize how lazy they are. I even bet they only use stock footage to save budget.

Alex and Hank appear as FBI agents without the needed visitor's badge which should raise some suspicions but the police in this show has proven to be as incompetent as everyone else so go with it.

Hank Henshaw: "Have you seen this man?"

 

Black Cop: "You checked the San Diego Comic-Con?"

 

White Cop: "Or a psychiatrist?"

 

Alex: "Listen, we appreciate any help because we suck at our jobs."

 

Black Cop: "I have an interview with a donut."

 

White Cop: "We don't know who this guy is but he killed at least five other freaks."

 

Hank Henshaw: "Freaks?"

 

White Cop: "One had gills. Why we never handed this case over to better suited departments will not be explained at this point because we too suck at our jobs."

 

And then they leave this tiny, frowsy 70's cop office while the credits still show up on screen at the 16th minute mark.

 

 

CatCo - Catfighting Competition:

ʃəˈvɔːn) gives Stupor-Girl a smug look instead flying to Panama to harvest the next load of coffee beans. She sends Kira an instant message to her desktop despite the fact she obviously isn't in her friends list and therefore would end up in the spam folder.

ʃəˈvɔːn): "How big is it?"

 

Stupor-Girl: "What do you mean?" (actual dialogue)

 

She was speaking directly to ʃəˈvɔːn) instead either ignoring her or type a message herself to avoid the public drama that follows next. You really deserve my nickname Stupor-Girl.

ʃəˈvɔːn): "12 inches? 14 inches? More?!?!"

 

Stupor-Girl gets really upset with this Q&A game and becomes really loud...sigh

Skip.

 

 

Lucy Lane goes to James office to display her discovery instead to Cat Grant or even better keep her trap shut for following reasons. But first the shitty dialogue to elaborate how stupid it is. Please continue drama show.

Lucy Lane: "Look what I found. It wasn't the FBI who captured/kidnapped/imprisoned Maxwell Smart. According to my contacts in the Pentagon it was a secret government organisation that hunts aliens on Earth."

 

I want to point out here that Lucy Lanes herself was involved into DEO operation regarding Red Torpedo and even though she quit the service doesn't mean she can just quit her duty to remain silent about black ops. So, running to her boyfriend to spill the beans instead contacting her father first and cover the whole story up. What you just did Lucy is called treason and you will go to jail for that...a very long time.

ʃəˈvɔːn) tries to eavesdrop because the only copy machine at CatCo happens to stand directly to James office door. Annoying cliché is annoying.

James: "Uhm, first rule: we don't speak about the DEO."

 

Lucy Lane: "What do you know about the DEO?"

 

James: "Second rule - we don't speak about the DEO."

 

Lucy Lane: "I see, so you are in love with Stupor-Girl. That is the only logical reason she would have told you about the DEO!"

 

This is the summary of the dialogue...and it fucking sucks!

Skip.

 

 

Area 51 aka Grassy Hills - Level 75...of IQ:

Hank Henshaw: "We have no clue why that stranger is killing these people. They have nothing in common, except they were all aliens, imprisoned on Fort Rozz and now all of them were here in National City...damnit! There has to be a connection!"

 

You really suck at your job.

 

Alex: "Wait! there is a pattern! See it? Their prisoner numbers are ongoing!"

 

Yeah, but you gave them earthly numbers. They clearly had a kryptonian ID code before aye? Or do we now really go with that stupidity that everyone in the galaxy speaks english and using Arabic numbers for math, currencies and serial numbers?

97% my arse!

Alex: "So he is now after prisoner #4712!"

 

 

A human looking middle-aged guy is coming home from work when he is identified by the Master-Jailer and tries to flee. Interesting enough, this fugitive has no super-powers. Master-jailer stops him from fleeing using Tonfa-Powers. Looks like he is a Space Cop...from the future of space! (#RedLetterMedia)

Master-Jailer: "Dead or alive, you're coming with me."

 

Stupor-Girl: "Not so fast. I have the patent here for vigilante actions. Who are you?"

 

Forgot your X-Ray Vision again?

Master-Jailer tries to shackle her using his trusted Spawn powers of intelligent barb-wires but Stupor-Girl remembers for a second she is super-fast and dodges his attack. But when she attacks him in reverse she kindly breezes towards him, giving him tons of time to dodge himself.

The director of this show really is an idiot.

He manages to shackle her finally in a very awkward BDSM way and escapes with his victim while Stupor-Girl plays escape artist using her trusted Plasma-Vision™.

This fight was utterly ridiculous because she used her super-speed partially to her advantage but forget about it when it wasn't convenient for the plot. You are either Super or not - you can't be both at the same time. Your powers are fickle.

 

 

CatCo Balcony of Brooding:

James gets liquored while Cat Grant shows up to tell an ancient tale of her past to make the audience believe she isn't that soul-collecting demon everyone with an IQ above 85 is convinced she is. But her story involves her being a young, naive gossip girl that failed morally and therefore maybe responsible for the death of an innocent woman. Congrats Cat. You are very close again to push Lucy Lane from the throne of "Most Unlikable Person in National City".

Skip.

 

 

Area 51 - James Olson has now unhindered access?

James Olson visits his old DEO buddies and to give Stupor-Girl a morale speech. Again, coming from a guy who had no qualms breaking into private property illegally makes this whole scene utterly pretentious.

James: "Truth."

 

Stupor-Girl: "But.."

 

James: "Justice."

 

Stupor-Girl: "I..."

 

James: "And the American Way."

 

Stupor-Girl: "Damnit James!"

 

Alex: "Stupor-Girl! We run diagnostics on the tonfa from the attack. Standard police weapon...but it was covered all over with human DNA!"

 

Stupor-Girl: "Yuck! Do I really want to know where it was before?"

 

Alex: "The DNA is from the black cop at the LAP...err NCPD."

 

 

Stupor-Girl magically finds the cops who were driving around at night somewhere in the city. And her sister Alex catches up with her in her teleportation SUV!

Boy, this is so retarded.

Stupor-Girl: "Black Cop is bad!"

 

Black Cop: "WTF?"

 

White Cop: "Haha, you fools! It was me suckers."

 

Yes, he reveals himself for no reason and shoots his partner and Alex with his police gun...seriously, this happens. After that he transform himself into Master-Jailer using cheap CGI-effects stolen from a leftover Iron Man animated cartoon show.

Stupor-Girl: "You're him!" (actual dialogue)

 

.

 

..

 

...

 

SKIP!

 

 

Master-Jailers Dungeon of Medieval Sci-Fi Torture Devices...or so:

Stupor-Girl awakens in a cage dangling from the ceiling de-powered by red sunlight. Impeding death is mixed with awkward humor coming from the other prisoner not being able to create catch phrases correctly despite being on Earth as long as Stupor-Girl. Stupid alien is stupid. Probably Jar Jar Binx in disguise.

Jar Jar: "Meesa finding bantha poodoo delicious."

 

Stupor-Girl: "Seriously?"

 

 

Area 51 - Where gun shot wounds magically disappear:

Alex: "Please ignore that I was mortally wounded before and listen to my absurd theory."

 

Hank Henshaw: "When I was promising your father to take care of his daughter I wasn't aware to regret it one day."

 

Alex: "Thank you sir. What if he wasn't a prisoner in Fort Rozz?"

 

Hank Henshaw: "A guard? Why the hell do they need guards for a prison that floats in another dimension for eternity? This is the most retarded bullshit I have ever heard in this show and I'm here since day one!"

 

Alex: "And now for some even more bollocks - we traced the GPS of his cell phone yay!"

 

Hank Henshaw: "Imagine superior aliens with advanced technology would be smart in this show using common sense...Earthlings would be extinct a decade ago."

 

Alex: "Yeah, isn't that convenient for us?"

 

 

A Cabin in the Woods:

The DEO storms the sci-fi basement slowly roping down while Master-Jailer just stares at them. Alex ignores any danger which makes sense because she was shot by him before without any consequences.

Alex has some melee fight with Master-Jailer and is able to hold the ground for some time despite the fact he has superhuman strength. But he finally tries to put her very slowly in his Laser-Guillotine™ instead snapping her human neck with ease in one second flat.

Alex uses her powers of Glock 17 to perforate the ceiling giving Stupor-Girl the much needed dose of yellow sunlight which should be negated immediately by still running red sunlight emitters but it also gives her the power to fight back and kick him away....sigh...sigh...just sigh.

Stupor-Girl escapes the Iron Maiden (no pun intended) and the energy blasts that were able to knock her out before somehow now doesn't seem to work anymore. Forgot to recharge yout batteries Master-Jailer?

She knocks him out or breaks his neck - it isn't very clear. According to the sound, she killed him without remorse.

Jar Jar: "Meesa wanna home."

 

Stupor-Girl: "Okey-dokey!"

 

Jar Jar: "Thank thou Ms Stupor."

 

Stupor-Girl: "Actually, my name is Kara." (actual dialogue)

 

 

Area 51 - Carlos is trimming the lush bushes covering the hills:

Stupor-Girl: "You're free to go."

 

Maxwell Smart: "Running out of interesting villains aren't you? See you later suckers."

 

 

CatCo - Where things happen or so:

ʃəˈvɔːn): "Bitchy-bitch-bitch-snarl-hiss-bitch!"

 

Stupor-Girl: "So, you want to be the next Ms Grant? Yeah, I can see that but I will be still personal assistant here...muahaha!"

 

ʃəˈvɔːn):

 

James is using his camera to remind the audience that his role here is that of a photojournalist.

Stupor-Girl: "You made me a better hero." (actual dialogue)

 

We will see about that in the next episode.

James: "Yes, you made me better too. But to make my relationship work with Lucy again I need your permission to tell her that you are Stupor-Girl."

 

WTF?

Seriously? This really just happened?

Skip.

 

 

Area 51 - Carlos exaggerated and all the lush bushes are gone again:

Stupor-Girl is talking to the dead mom's hologram, supervised by Hank Henshaw...for some reason.

Stupor-Girl: "I wanted to express my feelings for you but forgot that you give a shit since you are nothing more than a computer program."

 

Holo-Alura:

 

Stupor-Girl: "Anyway, Non mentioned something lately..a word - Myriad."

 

Holo-Alura: "Warning! This construct is not authorized to discuss Myriad! Further questioning about Myriad leads to self-destruct of this AI!"

 

Why? I mean why the warning? Not only does it show you know something about it which is utterly ridiculous since the word "Myriad" is from ancient greek and has no logical relation to the Kryptonian culture at all but it needs to be part of Non's and Astra's plan here on Earth! There is no reason you should know anything about it!

How about - say nothing? Just a guess from a human being living on this backwater planet.

Hank Henshaw: "What's so bad about that even a hologram refuses to talk about it?"

 

Stupor-Girl: "I don't know...if we just had some kind of search tool for the...what was it called? Interwebs?"