Supergirl S01E09 Review (Parody)

Blood Bonds

 

"A standoff ensues between the DEO and Astra's forces also Non kidnaps Hank, while Kara tries to refute Cat's allegations that she's Supergirl." imdb.com

Non kidnaps Hank? So what's the probl...oooh...Non, like in Non-El? I knew that would come back bite them in the ass. Ah yes...and Cat Grant deduced that "Kira" is Stupor-Girl. Your soul belongs to Cat Grant now Kara or do you really think she wont take advantage of this powerful knowledge?

 

Lord Industries - Unexplained Battlefield for Aliens vs. Humans:

Kara fights her uncle in law - Non-El. they fight on the ground and they fly up to fight some more. They both dodged an incoming airplane so Non can't be that evil since he didn't used that to his advantage. They fight some more and then hit the ground and create a cheap CGI-Effect that doesn't even affect a nearby car. Interesting enough, they crashed at the same spot where they started to show us how 2-Dimensional this show is. Since Non is older and more experienced, he easily pummels Kara into submission because she obviously lost her will to fight. Hank Henshaw tries to save her but gets kidnapped in the process while Kara lies there gawking at them flying away. Is she running out of gas?

 

Non: "Yoink."

 

And still we have no fucking clue why the aliens were there at the first place. I bet the producers still had the permit to use that compound and thought "hey, why not make the most out of it and set up an action scene there?". I just hope every real location revokes the permission to be used in this show again. It's not good for tourism.

 

Maxwell Smart: "Leave my property at once."

 

Alex: "Even though I have every right to shut down the whole complex for a full search, we will retreat because you're handsome."

 

Kara: "I wonder why someone claiming to hate weapons and violence suddenly runs around with a modified M32 Grenade Launcher?"

 

Maxwell Smart: "To shoot at people disturbing my peace obviously you bimbo chupacabra."

Area 51 - Under new Management:

Field promotions - those sweet rewards after failing to protect your commanding officer are pretty handy. Alex Danvers is now officially the new director of the DEO.

 

Alex: "Okay everyone. Listen up. Print Hank Henshaw's photo on every milk bottle and write a tweet about how we miss him - #aliensstoleablackdude."

 

Kara: "We have to find Hank because he has no superpowers right? Right?"

 

Alex: "As long as not one major media corporation knows you are Supergirl we can focus on saving Hank, right Kara?"

 

I just wanted to point here how much these "tight" sisters trust each other. Please continue.

 

Kara wants to interrogate her auntie in the kryptonite chamber of what-the-fuck-ur-not-dead-yet?

 

Kara: "For a kryptonian under constant kryptonite radiation for the last 24 hours you look pretty healthy."

 

Astra: "It's just green light niche. Watching a whole season of Glee is what's really painful."

 

Kara: "Don't you dare mocking a shitty but still far more successful TV show than this one."

 

Astra: "You are right, it is way too easy anyway. So, what gives me the pleasure of your visit?"

 

Kara: "Your husband kidnapped our director."

 

Astra: "And? Isn't it the job of the DEO to go against aliens like me and die in the process? I mean, you weren't that upset before when some of the red-shirts died."

 

Kara: "This is different. He has speaking lines."

 

Astra: "He is just an earthly man Kara. Why should I help him."

 

Kara: "Help me and maybe I can help you." (actual dialogue)

 

Astra: "Oh? Will you shut down the kryptonite emitters or open the cage?"

 

Kara: "Uhm..."

 

Astra: "Thought so. Then we are done talking."

 

Stupor-Girl sucks at interrogating.

 

 

Alderaan 1 BBY:

Alura: "Blood bonds us all. This primitive line comes from our primitive ancestors when they lived in primitive tribes at primitive times."

 

Astra: "And what does this have to do with this trial?"

 

Alura: "Nothing. But since we don't go into detail of your crimes either I thought to add something utterly generic."

 

Non: "Save your breath wife. She brands us terrorists."

 

Alura: "Of course or how else could we justify as the advanced species of Kryptonians we are to toss you literally in a space jail for eternity to rot without any civil rights or a lawyer at least?"

 

Astra: "But we only tried to wake up the people! Krypton will go Ka-Boom!"

 

Alura: "What was that? Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of my self-righteousness."

 

Non: "Whatever you do, please don't encapsulate us in one of those jelly-penis-rockets from Man of Steel."

 

Lucky for them, the budget was too tight for that.

CatCo Commercials of Comical Content:

Despite being uncovered to be Stupor-Girl by Cat Grant, Kara decides to go back to work as if nothing happened. Maxwell Smart gives an interview on TV about the nightly events at his white castle of engineering.

 

Maxwell Smart: "Nothing happened. It was just a weather balloon that captured the light from Saturn.."

 

Winn: "He is covering up."

 

Kara: "What is he up to?" (actual dialogue)

 

James: "How should I know that? Am I psychic all of a sudden...I mean, maybe he has something to hide?"

 

Cat Grant appears which turns Kara into an obedient bum-licker for some reason and she tries to act as if really nothing happened in an attempt to make her boss forget that she is Stupor-Girl? I feel an aneurysm incoming. Maybe this show works better when your half-dead drunk.

 

Cat Grant: "You act like a normal, boring person."

 

Kara: "That's what I am. A normal, boring person." (actual dialogue)

 

Waves with her hand in front of her face to imitate the Jedi mind trick.

 

Cat Grant: "Do you try to convince me that you are not Supergirl even from the fact that you confessed to me when I found out and told you?"

 

Kara: "Does it work?"

 

 

Area 51 - In the middle of the fucking desert:

Stupor-Girl flies to Bunker Hills which still makes us wonder how she get there when she lost her powers. She brought her sister a sandwich from Chicago because that is the only thing she is good for.

 

Non: "Is this thing on? How's my hair? Oh, we are on air already. This is Non-TV, sending an important news-feed to the DEO."

 

Alex: "This is supreme chancellor Alex Danvers, Queen of the DEO. State your business." Non: "I have something you want and you have something I want."

 

Alex: "I need proof that Hank Henshaw is alive first."

 

Non: "I could ask the same but instead I act Non-Chalant."

 

Hank Henshaw: "He is really nonchalant. He could have tortured me to get information but instead bondaged my to to this comfy armchair."

 

Alex: "We get you out there sir."

 

Hank Henshaw: "Don't haste. They have martian stew here. Didn't had that in years."

 

 

A commercial break interrupts the show so I could take my meds. When it was over General Lame somehow teleported into Area 51 with a platoon of camouflaged warriors in the tow. And it isn't even desert camo...

 

General Lame: "Agent Danvers. Nice to see you again."

 

Kara: "It's Director Danvers by the way and we can't say the same to you."

 

General Lame: "I wasn't talking to you, you space-bimbo. And we take over from now. You're no longer the director."

 

Alex: "What?"

 

General Lame: "The female Potus of ours signed this here and we decided to pop in here, take over and then inform you instead doing that first."

 

Alex: "No, I'm aware that you are an incomprehensible asshole, but why you take over?"

 

General Lame: "Because even though the DEO was soley founded to track and fight alien activity on Earth, I convinced the Potus that a generic Army General with no combat experience against aliens should take over."

 

Kara: "This suddenly sounds awful similar to the Adam Sandler movie Pixels."

 

General Lame: "If we add some lame racism jokes then we are indeed on the same level."

 

 

A little interlude scene with James Olson reminds us of his existence in this show but contributes nothing to the plot at all.

 

 

CatCo - Home of Quirky Queens:

Cat Grant acts pretty strange..which is nothing new but she tries to fathom out her options of how to collect Kara's soul. She insisted a little Q&A game and Kara plays along because she is stupid.

 

 Dark Room of Alien Nation:

A bald alien with a dozen eyes on his forehead tries to read Hank's mind but fails utterly.

Spider-Alien: "I don't understand. It's as if he has no mind at all."

 

Hank Henshaw: "Now you know why they cast me for this role."

 

Non: "I could break your neck."

 

Hank Henshaw: "What's it with you Kryptonians and breaking necks?"

 

Non breaks the neck of the Spider-Alien to demonstrate that he can turn heads.

Hank Henshaw: "Oh great. One alien less I have to worry about. At this pace I defeat your whole organisation just by sitting here."

 

 

Area 51 - Chamber of Kryptonite:

General Lame: "I am General Lame. When I was a boy...."

 

Astra: "Noo, stop this torture please. I beg you!"

 

General Lame: "What?"

 

Astra: "An unknown elderly man wants to tell me his life? What can be more torturous than that?"

 

General Lame: "But I love to tell that story! If you insist then you leave me no choice other than to inject liquid kryptonite into your body."

 

Kara enters for no reason and immediately feels crippling pain from the Kryptonite radiation even so Astra still looks fine. I still don't know how Kryptonite works in this show. But the General does and injects a large dose of it into Astra. He never had the chance to test that on a life Kryptonian and now this LETHAL radiation is in her system. Try a similar stunt on a human - inject him with a weak dose of...let's say Polonium. It's mildy radioactive but how do you get it out later? You can't. And the female Potus gave the General permission to do that? What happened to good ol' water-boarding? A Celine Dion CD? British food?

 

 

CatCo - Fortress of Who-gives-a-shit:

Kara returned to work because she suddenly is less concerned what the "good" humans do to, not only her aunt but to one of the last specimen of the Kryptonian race. Speaking of - these aliens crashed on Earth 11 years ago but done nothing criminal so far except for Vartox the Axecutioner. But the humans founded a secret organisation with advanced technology to track and hunt down those aliens, imprison, torture and even kill them? Imagine there were only a dozen "Gingers" on our planet but the Government decide to invest billions to hunt them down for the only reason they have red hair. Who are the good guys again?

Winn, James and Kara talk about her auntie but quickly gloss over to Maxwell Smart as if that would be pressing matters at this moment. A blind man with no hands could knit a better scarf than the writers of this show are able to construct a consistent plot.

 

Kara: "Did you find something out about Max?"

 

James: "How could I? I'm just a photographer."

 

Winn: "Lucky, no one asked me - the lead force of hacking in this show."

 

Cat Grant: "Kira!"

 

Kara: "Gotta go."

 

James: "Close the door Winn. We're going to break into MaxLabs."

 

Winn: "But you were already inside before! And you took pictures!"

 

James: "Yes, but a guy that rich, handsome and narcissistic has to have a secret vault full of goodies right Tony?"

 

Winn: "And because you don't like that guy, you want to break in there? Are we still suppose to be the protagonists in this show?"

 

James: "More of a gut feeling. I think he is creating an anti-alien militia."

 

Winn: "Like the DEO?"

 

James: "Yes, but in secret. So the only logical reaction to that is to tell no one and break in there by ourselves - you, a bumbling office clerk and me the photographer! Sounds exciting? Let's do this."

 

Winn: "But..."

 

 

Cat Grant: "Prove to me that you are not Supergirl or you are fired!"

 

Kara: "So, you are suddenly in doubt that I'm Supergirl? That's convenient. If there would just be a secret organisation in this show who tracks and hunt down aliens and wears black all the time, I could ask them for one of those mind-wipe-flash-thingies. But you can only dream I guess."

 

 

Lord Industries - Where there are no guards at night:

James waits at an unguarded door while Winn tries to remotely hack into the system. James wears his daily, casual clothes.

James: "So, alarm is out?"

 

Winn: "Of course. But the cameras are still..."

 

James kicks off the knob from security door which of course opens the magnetically sealed door. A liquored hobo could break into this compound. He runs into a Mission-Impossible-Style LaserGrid™. And because he makes photos of it Winn is suddenly aware of it as well. Is he psychic? But of course Winn is able to disable the LaserGrid™ in mere seconds. Why can the inner security grid being hacked from the outside? Why was Winn not be able to hack the lawyers computer remotely in the last episode again? Was his firewall better? But I digress.

James takes more photos and they instantly appear on Winn's screen of course even though James had to plug in the camera physically via cable earlier to upload his images. Suddenly Maxwell and two guards teleport in and knock James out.

 

Area 51 - Ready to roll out:

Alex: "Astra told us where her husband hides because she is such a good wife."

 

Kara: "Haven't you pointed out earlier that she wanted to get caught in the last episode or do we forget about that like everything else?"

 

Alex: "Doesn't matter. I need your help but I don't tell you where we are heading at and instead I hang up."

 

Army soldiers instead of DEO field agents drive into a warehouse complex like a bunch of bikers on a parking lot. No tactic, no preparations, no formation.

General Lame: "This is a civilian area so you are free to use maximum lethal force soldiers."

 

Kara: "I can't see into those containers. They are covered with lead. Can I use my super-listening powers only at day?"

 

General Lame: "What is the space bimbo doing here? This is a human recovery mission." (actual dialogue)

 

Alex: "Yes we get it. You are racist. I called her."

 

Soldier: "Echo team. Search those containers and check your six."

 

Yeah, watch your asses soldiers, aliens love probing.

Kara opens the first container and they find Hank inside - how convenient. This all screams"it's a trap!" but General Ackbar isn't in charge here.

Of course, Hank is just a hologram. Something Stupor-Girl with her super-senses isn't able to see through. A fancy bomb explodes and Kara decides to save only her sister usingKal-El's baby blanket abused as a cape. Supergirl is a dick to men.

Only surviving soldier: "My men!"

 

Alex: "And? Imagine I would have died! That would be tragic."

 

 

Lord Industries - BDSM Dungeon:

Instead handing the black guy over to the police for breaking into private property and possible industrial espionage, Maxwell decides to bondage James to a chair and have a little clobberin' time.

James: "Ungh...I thought you are a peaceful man who hates violence?"

 

Maxwell: "This isn't violence - this is passion!"

 

James: "Damn! A fetishist!"

 

Maxwell: "Next time I caught you here I will use this wrench on your butt."

 

James: "Wait? You let me go?"

 

This happens.

 

 

CatCo - Home of Drama:

Kara: "I can't do what you want me to do instead I do what I don't want to do."

 

Cat Grant: "Then show me your cape."

 

Kara: "Even so I love this job more then everything else and hanging at your lips, licking your bum and treat you like a surrogate mother I will quit."

 

Cat Grant: "Oki-doki."

 

Kara walks into the secret office of SSS (Supergirl's Secret Surveillance) because the door is wide open so everyone could waltz into that room any time.

Kara: "What happened to your face James?"

 

James: "I ran into that door reason why I left it open now."

 

Kara: "Lie! I can see Maxwell's fistprint in your face."

 

Winn: "He is up to something, but to be fair we broke into his lab illegally. So he had every right to beat the shit out of us or worse."

 

Kara: "Doesn't matter. I will break his neck!"

 

Winn: "Woah! You sound like Astra."

 

What? How do you know what Astra sounds like? And Astra never was that angry anyway. Sigh.

Kara: "Maybe Astra wasn't wrong at all?"

 

Of course she wasn't. She tried to save Krypton. My dad used to say: "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." This show is a roller-coaster ride into the bottomless pit of idiocracy.

Winn: "But you have to be right. Otherwise Maxwell is right - and that would be wrong. Right?"

 

 

Area 51 - Magic Chamber of Kryptonite:

Kara explains her emotions to her tortured and frightened aunt while a layer of 1/2 inch thick glass keeps the kryptonite radiation contained.

Kara: "I was soo angry today. I wanted to hurt someone."

 

Astra: "I was tortured and poisoned with kryptonite today and your post-puberty temper tantrum is supposed to give me solace?"

 

Kara: "Sorry, what was that? I couldn't hear you over the sound of my own way more important feelings."

 

Astra: "Can I have a glass of water please? I'm sitting in this cage with deadly kryptonite radiation for two day by now."

 

Kara: "Later, tell me first what happened on Krypton even so it wont help bring back Hank Henshaw but we still have 12 minutes to fill."

 

Astra: "Well, I still wont go into detail what happened on Krypton but your mother never stopped believing in me. That's why she put me into prison for eternity."

 

Kara: "Now, let's find a way to save Hank Henshaw."

 

Astra: "The only way is a prisoner exchange."

 

Kara: "Speaking of...what was your elaborated plan to get caught anyway?"

 

Astra: "To be tortured and enforce a prisoner exchange to save me."

 

Kara: "...."

 

 

General Lame: "What do you think you're doing?"

 

Alex: "Making a prisoner exchange. You are here to save director Henshaw but you failed."

 

General Lame: "This alien is the enemy. Take one more step and my men will shoot you dead..hey, that rhymed!"

 

Kara: "I'm not so convinced about that."

 

The only surviving soldier from the earlier mission: "Sorry sir, but she saved my life."

 

This was my breaking point - either way dying from laughing or violently destroying my expensive TV.

 

Despite the fact that Astra is wearing kryptonite shackles which would weaken Stupor-Girl as well since she is standing next to her and the soldier commands the other soldiers to lower their weapons DESPITE the fact General Lame - their commanding officer - is standing next to them, Kara, Alex and Astra are free to go. This really happened.

 

 

Prisoner Exchange Area:

The DEO gather up there even so no one called Non to meet there. But Non appears anyway and they exchange prisoners.

 

Hank Henshaw: "Too bad, they make an excellent martian squirrel-on-a-stick....but thanks anyway."

 

Non: "Time for action. Attack my super-powered, flying alien army!"

 

Everyone in the DEO is randomly looking into the night sky which is later filled with dozens of CGI  aliens in post-process.

Alex: "Oh nooes! What to do? If there was just some secret alien hunting organisation with advanced weapons at hand! But you can only dream I guess."

 

Hank Henshaw: "That would be a good time to transform back into my former self which was useless against only two kryptonians before but so Kara can hear that I'm not human to progress the plot."

 

Astra: "Stand down. There will be no fighting today."

 

Even so everyone could hear her order, it was up to the Lieutenant to repeat it to make it happen. Generals in this show are useless.

 

 

Area 51 - Dick Measuring Contest:

Hank Henshaw: "We at the DEO don't need your services anymore General. You fucked it up - we didn't."

 

General Lame: "Your liberal attitude will doom this planet. Only our combined hate and racism can save us!"

 

Hank Henshaw: "Not on my watch General. Now get the fuck outta here!"

 

Kara: "So, what was that before? Transformation?"

 

Hank Henshaw: "I'm John Carter from Barsoom...Mars."

 

Kara: "Oooh...and can you show me what you really look like?"

 

Hank Henshaw: "Sorry, but we already spent all CGI budget for this episode for the flying aliens earlier."

 

 

CatCo - How to prank your boss:

Stupor-Girl: "James told me you wanted to see me?"

 

Cat Grant: "No, I didn't Kira."

 

Stupor-Girl: "So you still think I'm your personal assistant?"

 

Kara: "See? I told you I'm not Supergirl. Nice costume btw."

 

Stupor-Girl: "Really? I love your glasses. They make you look smart."

 

Kara: "Let's shake hands like good old friends to display the neither of us is a hologram."

 

Cat Grant: "I get it. You are not her and she is not you. Even so this scene looks obviously staged I will display my nervousness by shaking like being on turkey."

 

Kara gets her job back and skips the opportunity to enforce a raise on her loan since Cat Grant is in a generous mood. Instead she meets up with the shapeshifting alien from Mars we all know and love as Hank Henshaw to thank him. Imagine there would be security cameras in this world! but that's crazy talk.

 

 

Lord Industries:

Maxwell looks after a Jane Doe that is under his observation.

Maxwell Smart: "We are going to help you."

 

Jane Doe: "..."

 

The camera zooms uncomfortably close to her closed eyes that suddenly open up to reveal black eyes! Dan-dan-daaan!

Cliché cliffhanger.