Supergirl S01E08 Review (Parody)

Hostile Takeover

 

This episode picks up where it left in the last one. General Astra returns with another recruitment offer because Kara possesses a wide array of very particular skills like espionage, sabotage, military tactics, cryptography and...what? Oooh...sorry, she is just an ordinary brat with super-powers like the rest of her adult and way better trained soldiers. She wants to recruit her because family. Since when did this show needs to borrows crap from the Fast & Furious franchise?

 

General Astra: "Family Kara. Join me or I stab you with this kryptonite knife that doesn't harm me."

 

Kara: "Why does it not weaken you?"

 

General Astra: "Special body lotion. Since kryptonite is just another type of radiation we mixed sunblocker with lead - voilà!"

 

Kara: "Despite the fact that a lesser dose of kryptonite knocked me out earlier, I try to fly away with turtle-speed."

 

Kryptonian Henchman #1: "Gotcha!"

 

Kryptonian Henchman #2: "Gotcha!"

 

Kara: "Oh nooes! Your combined weight is too much for my flying power! What did you had for breakfast? Planes?"

 

General Astra: "Join me and together we rule the galaxy as auntie and ..."

 

Kara: "Heard that before. Still nope."

 

Kara jumps from the roof and impacts on the ground like a 100-ton meteor without any harm and disappears. Kryptonite works like magic - sometimes it just knocks you out, sometimes you become instantly powerless and sometimes it just makes you feel uncomfy.

 

Retard-O-Meter level: Unhealthy.

 

 

Area 51 where all are friends now:

 

Kara: "AndThenSheTreatenMeAndITriedToFlyAwayButHerMinionsHoldMeBackAnd...."

 

Alex: "Calm down Kara...tell us more about Astra not being affected by Hank's most favorite knife."

 

Kara: "She mentioned something a protection suit or sun cream...forcefield maybe?"

 

Hank Henshaw: "What about my blade? Did you get that back by the chance?"

 

Kara: "How could I? It is KRYPTONITE damnit! Should I carry it over here? Has your brain dried out?"

 

Alex: "Why did it take her so long to come back to you?"

 

Kara: "I don't know...she was pretty vague."

 

Hank Henshaw: "This could be what we feared since Fort Ross crashed on Earth - Citywide attack!"

 

Citywide? Citywide!!? A whole bunch of super-powered aliens on Earth are only interested in National City? The only thing this city has to offer is one fucking cafeteria!

 

Alex: "Get some rest. We need you at full...for whatever we need you for."

 

Kara: "I can't rest! It's my job to stop her!"

 

Alex: "No, it's not. It's Hank's job."

 

Kara: "Wooa...wait a minute. Since when are you tight chummies?"

 

Alex: "Hank is not responsible for my dad's death...well, partially he is but I wont tell you because you are my adopted sister and my best friend in the world. Trust me instead."

 

This "trust" system barely works in this show.

 

Retard-O-Meter level: Intoxicating.

 

 

CatCo Company of Convulation:

The TV shows a newscast about a horrible terrorist attack that threatens the whole world...just kiddin', some news about Cat Grant being hacked. Winn seems absent.

 

News Reporter: "What can only be described as a vicious cybercrime, founder of global media CatCo enterprises Cat Grant has been hacked!"

 

How can you hack a person? Ooh...she meant sex? Or does it involve a hatchet? Oh wait, she is alive and bristles with quirkyness. The news show in this universe follow the same amazing substantial quality like Buzzfeed. Cat Grant demonstrates her quirks once more by filling a glass with skittles - from an ice bucket!

She then has some snarky conversation with her lawyers sitting at her desk with a dozen eyeglasses scattered on it. A sign for Alzheimer? As a result of the overuse of bulletproof coffee she ordered Kara to check every Email of hers to "flag everything that can be used against me". She really said that - I don't make that up! Kara decided to gather help to to check every Email since she forgot she has super-speed. James and Winn are more than eager to help for some reason.

 

Winn: "Ugh, boxes filled with drama juice."

 

James: "Hey look! Cat's ridiculous 80's hairstyle!"

 

Kara: "Hey! You are supposed to find weak spots here!"

 

James: "Already did."

 

Winn: "I wonder how someone was able to hack Cat's Emails since I'm the world leading Super-Hacker in this universe?"

 

Kara: "I'm more astounded that we printed out every Email from the last 5, 10, 15 years?"

 

Retard-O-Meter level: Atrocious.

 

 

Dark Room of Alien Nation:

Astra plays with her Tamagotchi and despite having super-listening powers like every other Kryptonian on Earth she doesn't notice someone modestly walking toward her.

 

Manly Kryptonian of Evilness: "You didn't kill her."

 

General Astra: "She is stronger than she looks and sounds like."

 

Manly Kryptonian of Evilness: "Or maybe you are too weak."

 

General Astra: "She is not like her mother. She can be made to see reason."

 

Manly Kryptonian of Evilness: "I sometimes wonder if any of the women in your family can." (actual dialogue)

 

General Astra: "You forget yourself Lieutenant. I am your General."

 

And now it is official - Even the advanced race of Krypton is not free of prejudice and sexism. Or maybe they practice Catholicism on Krypton too. Since we never saw a black Kryptonian, we can safely assume that Kryptonians are racist as well. And since they look and act like every other human I wonder why they need to hide?

 

Manly Kryptonian of Evilness: "But I'm also your husband. That has to count for something right? Even in this show."

 

Dan-dan-daaan!

 

Retard-O-Meter level: Ridiculous.

 

 

Area 51: Battle Arena Toshinden:

Alex and Kara spar in the Kryptonite-Chamber of Doom. It looks absolutely rehearsed and stupid at the same time while loud dramatic background music tries to convince the audience for some tension that isn't there. They kick and they punch and Kara even manages to pin her adopted sister down at some point which shows us again what 10 years of combat training are worth in this universe. No wonder Dr. T.O. Morrow had no trouble at all with Alex.

 

Alex: "Why are you holding back?"

 

Melissa Benoist: "Because I'm an actress and no woman-beater!"

 

Alex: "Seriously Kara. This is war. You can't sometimes leave your enemy alive."

 

Since when did this became a war? Did General Astra send a declaration of war? Did they bombed some phallic symbol of capitalism? Took control of some oil plant?

 

Kara: "Superman doesn't kill."

 

Tell that those thousands of dead people in Smallville and Metropolis that died in the devastating fight in Man of Steel.

 

Retard-O-Meter level: Unconvincing.

 

 

Flashback to Pre-Kaboom Krypton:

Young Kara plays with her Tamagotchi that does nothing except blinking blue. The Prop Department for this show has really outdone themselves. Her auntie appears and they exchange Pokemons.

 

Young Kara: "Oh you have the Platinum edition!"

 

Astra: "Yes, I got it just for you. I will do anything for you."

 

Young Kara: "Why does Mommy not want to speak about you anymore?"

 

Astra: "Because our planet is dying and she is a member of the Kryptonian Tea Party."

 

Young Kara: "But Jor-El says the same and she speaks to him all the time."

 

Astra: "Let's say I don't want our planet to blow up - so I blow up stuff to make a point."

 

Young Kara: "Sounds legit."

 

Retard-O-Meter level: Mind-Boggling.

 

 

CatCo - The gathering of suits:

 

Cat Grant: "I have a dozen lawyers and your advice is to stay low profile for a while?"

 

Possible Hacker: "Except for me. Even though you send me an insulting Email once I memorized word by word, I will advise you to press forward because you are the astonishing Cat Grant!"

 

Cat Grant: "Hmm, instead of being suspicious as a experienced journalist about your sudden loyalty, I am rather blushed by your courageous compliment."

 

Possible Hacker: "You should go public and tell everything no matter how embarrassing it is."

 

Cat Grant: "And now I feel a little uneasy all of a sudden. Let me think about it."

 

The lawyers leave but smirk very suspicious because they are idiots.

 

Cat Grant: "I think this was not a random hack. Kara, I bestow upon you the power to investigate."

 

Kara: "Oki-doki."

 

The camera once more zooms uncomfortably close to Kara's PIERCED ear so that even the most retarded viewer is able to figure out that she is using her super-listening powers on the lawyers.

 

Lawyers: "Instead waiting until we are in a safe place, we will discuss our evil plan right here in case someone eavesdrop on us. Muahaha!"

 

Kara meets with Winn and James to take actions.

 

Winn: "So, that's why I couldn't find a trace in our firewalls. The used someone inside."

 

Kara: "Yes, we have to get more info. How do we get a search warrant?"

 

Winn: "How about you use your X-Ray Vision and your Super-Hearing instead?"

 

Kara: "No, we have to be smarter. Can Lucy give us some advice James?"

 

Retard-O-Meter level: Facepalm.

 

 

The one and only Cafeteria in National City:

 

Lucy Lane: "If you can find proof the lawyer is conspiring against Cat Grant you can get a search warrant for his office."

 

Someone should use a search warrant on the producers and writers of this show because that is not how the law system works guys.

 

Kara: "Hypothetical."

 

Lucy Lane: "Of course. Except that you guys will never ever get a search warrant since your are civilians and Cat Grant has to file charges first."

 

Winn: "Yeah. Y'know Kara, my initial plan does sound way smarter."

 

The news cut to a current event that breaks the awkward silence.

 

News: "A woman is hovering above National City and she seems to have the same powers as Supergirl." (actual dialogue)

 

Why she doesn't have the same powers as Superman, or Red Tornado? All we see is that she can fly. That is not a power solely given to Kryptonians. But I digress.

Kara meets up with her auntie in the air and they clash. What follows is a watered down fighting sequence from Man of Steel and it is exactly as useless as in Zach Snyder's movie. Two invincible, super-powered beings punch each other and throw pieces of Lego™ or Tetris™ at each other. Stupor-Girl finally pins her down but hesitates to break her neck since she wants to be the star in her own franchise but Astra passes out anyway.

 

Kara drags the unconscious body of her aunt like a bag full of stones to Area 51 instead to carry her. Does Kara forgot she has Super-Strength? Astra gets some sweet Kryptonite shackles and being locked up off-screen. I bet they put her in some kind of glass chamber to gawk at? I have a sudden Loki/Silva/Joker/Khan feeling in my guts.

CatCo Building of Espionage:

So the great plan to get evidence from the lawyer is that someone has to bug his computer physically like it's some 80's landline phone and since Winn has to stay at keyboard and Kara finally uses her X-Ray/Telescopic Vision combo to keep track of the lawyers whereabouts, it is up to James to break into his office and put the device in place. Winn is able to hack into government black ops computers unnoticed but this desktop PC from that elderly lawyer with a penis complex - i.e. he drives a Maserati - is too much for him?

 

Anyway, the producers of this show wanted to spice up the over the top boring story with some heist tension, but guess what? The fail in every instance. James opens up the display from the PC to stuck the beeping, blinking bug inside. Yes, you heard right - he didn't put it in the actual PC. He put it in the fucking monitor and of course it works.

 

Retard-O-Meter level: Donald Trump.

 

 

Area 51 - Glass Chamber of Kryptonite Cancer Radiation:

Astra plays with her Tamagotchi again which they left her for some reason. I guess a blue blinking device from Krypton couldn't be a possible weapon? Sigh...

 

Kara: "You look good in green light."

 

Astra: "Yeah, about that. You are aware that kryptonite radiation is LETHAL to Kryptonians? No matter how weak it is? This way it takes just a bit longer to die!"

 

Kara: "Sorry, but fill a complaint to the writers of this show. You wanted to talk to me?"

 

Astra: "Do you remember how your mother arrested me and why?"

 

Kara: "Well this neat little flashback explained that you killed a guard to proof that Krypton will die. But you obviously had no proof so mother send you to the Phantom Zone."

 

Astra: "All I did was to save Krypton from their own ignorant ways. Haven't you listen to Al Gore?"

 

Kara: "Well, If I just had a way to find out the truth...oh wait!"

 

Kara asks her mother's hologram about it and she confirms Astra's statement. This fills Kara with so much grief and anger that she uses her Plasma-Vision™ on her. Imagine that would be her real mother...oh boy.

 

Retard-O-Meter level: Adam Sandler.

 

 

Back to CatCo because Superheros and Aliens are boring as shit aye?

 

Kara: "After we finally stopped puking over the the crazy shit in your Emails, we found something crucial. You paid a Callboy?"

 

Cat Grant: "What? I don't need to pay for sex with young guys. Just look at me."

 

Kara: "Errm...yes and you even send him X-Mas cards?"

 

Cat Grant: "Again - I don't need to pay for Callboys. What's his name?"

 

Kara: "Adam Foster. Probably his calling name since he is a foster child? Adam as in the first?"

 

Cat Grant: "Don't be stupid. That is my eldest son. Yes I have another one in a cheap attempt to give my character more depth."

 

Kara: "This barely works. And I was actually right with your 1st son being tossed away? Wow, you are Cruella De Vil."

 

What follows is a boring explanation about her being a shithead and guess what? It doesn't work. She remains unlikable.

 

 

The news still beating the dead horse with headlines about Cat Grant being hacked even though there was hard proof of super-powered alien activity a few days before. Is this show sponsored by TMZ?

 

Cat Grant wants to give a press conference or make a statement but James, Lucy and Winn appear to hand over some valuable data that could save her reputation because she is just this generous, caring and endearing person that needs to be saved from this cruel world? So, to wrap this utterly boring and pointless scene up - Cat Grant gets some leverage on the lawyer who is a chairman of CatCot as well and bitches a bit on him before she tosses him out - legally.

 

Retard-O-Meter level: Queen of Kings.

 

 

Area 51 - Afterfight Analysis:

Alex watches the footage about Kara and Astra's fight from the same angle and distance as we did earlier. I didn't see a camera set up there before to record it.

 

Hank Henshaw: "I can't read her mind."

 

Alex: "You can read minds?"

 

Hank Henshaw: "Not of Kryptonians what Superman finds hilarious." (actual dialogue)

 

WTF?

 

Alex: "Anyway, I analysed the fight and Astra makes stupid moves. As a warrior she shouldn't make such amateur mistakes."

 

Well, your hard training at the DEO didn't helped you against weak Kara or the lab nerd T.O. Morrow either so hey.

 

Hank Henshaw: "You think she lost voluntary?"

 

Of course. That is the thing with Super-Villains these days.

 

 

Lord Industries:

Six aliens, that looks exactly like humans, fly into the complex, land and then just leisurely walk through the building like it's a shopping mall. Maxwell Smart and two minions appear to stop the...visitors? Maxwell shoots some Play-Doo at one of the Kryptonians face which cause severe burnings? The other aliens just watch emotionless.

 

Astra's Husband of Evilness:" You are the Champion of this world?" (actual dialogue)

 

Sigh...just sigh.

 

Maxwell Smart: "I have my moments."

 

Of course.

 

Astra's Husband of Evilness finally makes a smart move by using his Super-Speed to clear this situation of any threat in the blink of an eye. Something the Flash is unable to do even so it is the only power he has.

 

The DEO appears out of nowhere and without any hint they would be needed here - except Astra told them which would be pretty stupid. The DEO starts firing with their earthly guns at half a dozen super-powered aliens that can fly. The aliens use Plasma-Vision™, toxic breath, spontaneous cloning and super-strength but somehow the DEO is able to fight back? Alex can't resist going into melee again because the assault rifle in her hand is useless and unethical to use against another woman - alien or not. Hank rips of some tech from a suit in hope it is the gizmo that protects Kryptonians from Kryptonite. Lucky he was right. He shoots the Kryptonian to death. Another member of an endangered species is gone.

 

Astra's Husband of Evilness is surrounded by DEO Agents but since he is unable to act it looks like he is not concerned. Instead shooting him they try to tackle him but the producers tried to recreate the silly scene from the 1978 Bud Spencer movie "Lo chiamavano Bulldozer". It was funny in 1978...here it looks just ridiculous.

 

We are still in the dark why those aliens are here in the first place but it doesn't matter since Stupor-Girl appears to fight.

 

Astra's Husband of Evilness: "Remember me little girl?"

 

Kara: "You are Non. Astra's husband."

 

Non? Non?!? Non what? Non consistent? Non competent? Non...ohhh, that is his actual name! Your uncle-in-law has a name that is bound to make fun off. This show just wants a mercy killing. So his legal name is Non-El? I will find solace in watching Deadpool soon.

 

 

And suddenly this episode ends.

 

 

Retard-O-Meter level: Jupiter Ascending.