Supergirl S01E06 Review (Parody)

Supergirl Ep. 06 Review

 

Red Faced

Stupor-Girl is flying around with her eyes closed. She collides with a Boeing 747 and 247 passengers die in a fiery explosion...just kiddin, not much air traffic at the west coast in 2015 I guess. I wonder what the military will do when she appears as a small blip with no transponder signature on their radar? Sending a Sky Marshall? The camera zooms onto her ear once again to not only display her pierced ears to the audience, she obviously has no bluetooth or earpiece either - but oddly enough she receives a call from her adopted sister Alex. Is the tech hidden in her earrings? SmartEar™?

 

Alex: "Kara? What's wrong? The radar noticed you over the city. Everything okay?" (actual dialogue)

 

What a great start again. Stupor-Girl can fly and is occasionally patrolling National City but her BlackOps-Secret Agent-Alien Expert sister asks her what she is doing. I didn't knew you can be working in the top field with an IQ of 65...astonishing. But I bet writers do that so Stupor-Girl looks smarter in comparison. And the radar noticing her? What kind of radar is that? It's not a bird or plane - so it must be Stupor-Girl and not a nuke right?

 

Kara: "Just relaxing, it is so peaceful up here."

 

Except when your spider-sense is tingling aye? Which is now - her super-listening powers activate all by themselves once more to coincidently catch up some car honking which can only mean trouble right? She really should visit New York some day. In the meantime, an old lady gets strangled to death...very silently. A car chase happened. Fortunately there was no other car honking that time otherwise Stupor-Girl would not know where to go. Both cars driving with an insane speed of 25 mph through a sparsely populated lane. Quick cuts and shakey-cam try to make this scene look exciting but it fails miserably. She stops both cars before they hit a group of crossing children while a serial-killer snatches his next victim unnoticed. The school crossing guards aren't very good at their job.

 

Angry Driver #1: "You broke my nose wench! Now I will break your face!"

 

Kara catches the punch from an elderly, obese fucktard with no access to TV or internet because he looks surprised when she rips his arm from its socket...just kiddin'. It hurts - in a lot. Angry Driver #2 does nothing.

 

Angry Driver #1: "That was my favorite arm. I will sue you!"

 

All the children recording what happened with their iPhones - welcome to America Kara.

Area 51 - A day later...an hour? A few minutes? (Damnit, give me a some time index once):

The news stomp on Stupor-Girl for saving a soccer team almost being killed by two retarded drivers by doing what every other cop would have done and get a medal - but this is obviously a FoxNews rip-off.

 

Hank Henshaw: "Road Rage? What were you thinking?" (actual dialogue)

 

Kara: "It's always man going crazy behind a wheel!" (actual dialogue - and that's sexist)

 

Hank Henshaw: "You can't loose control like that!"

 

Kara: "Uhm, he tried to punch me! If I didn't catch his fist he would have broke it at my face duh!"

 

Hank Henshaw: "Imagine what carnage your brother could cause if he loose his temper."

 

We know that - we all saw Man of Steel. Oh wait, he didn't succumbed to his anger there. That was just his daily routine! My mistake. A Maxwell Smart fangirl shows Kara a news footage of Maxwell Smart mocking about Stupor-Girl. What do you expect from the only villain who survived an episode?

 

The one-and-only cafeteria in National City:

Lucy & James. And of course Kara shows up there too at some point. Skip

 

CATCO - Ivory Tower of Endless Drama:

Cat's Mother: "How can you work with all this visual noises?"

 

Cat Grant: "This "noises" is my work mother. And it is behind me when I work at my desk...for some reason."

 

Cat's Mother: "A yes - the Proletarian Princess."

 

Cat Grant: "Queen of Media."

 

This really is the actual dialogue - I don't know what to do with it. This episode breaks a new record - of retardness.

 

Cat's Mother: (lack of social skills)

 

Cat Grant: (lack of social skills)

 

Skip

 

Kara: "Alex! What are you doing here?"

 

Alex: "We need to talk about what happened to my father."

 

Her father? It was Kara's father for some time too. Selfish prick.

 

Kara: "Can that wait? I have to administer an enema of bulletproof coffee to Miss Grant."

 

Alex: "Actually, I need a Winn."

 

Winn: "What? You want me to hack into a government computer? That is illegal!" (actual dialogue)

 

Kara: "It's about her dad."

 

Winn: "Well, that is a reason worth spending the rest of my life in GITMO. I'll help."

 

This happened.

 

 

Area 51 - DEO Base Camp (Base Camp?):

A suspicious meeting in the middle of the desert between an Army General and the DEO - Kara is there too.

 

General McGruff: "I want that woman in red for something. I can't tell you."

 

Lucy Lane: "Come with us female alien, the POTUS signed your transfer."

 

Alex.: "Technically she isn't an agent of the DEO so you can't just command her."

 

Thank you Alex, plus why is Lucy Lane there and why is the General her father? This show gets worse with every episode.

 

Lucy Lane (Lt.?): "The president will not be amused. You can tell her."

 

A female POTUS? Wow, this show tries to hammer down every bit of feminism down our throats. I wouldn't wonder if the pope is a woman too.

 

Kara: "What do you need me for?"

 

General McGruff: "Is that female alien talking to me? I will ignore her and answer only to you Director Henshaw. I need her to do something with project RT."

 

RT? Hmmm....Rotten Tomatoes? Nah, too obvious. But it would make sense considering the absurd 97% rating for this show.

 

Lucy Lane: "You have no choice. We have an executive order forcing you to comply."

 

Uhm, she has a choice since she isn't government property and she can break your necks like a dry branch. But sure, go ahead and piss of a supreme alien with godlike powers if it helps your ego. If this TV show reaches an extraterrestrial race one day, then it will ensure them to wipe us out.

 

Kara: "Since I don't like you I will help."

 

General McGruff: "Good, now fight my robot." (actual dialogue)

 

Scientist Man: "It's not a robot, it's an anthropomorphic suit with combat abilities."

 

Anthropomorphic? Is this a furry commercial? Scientist Man opens the "suitcase" and reveals a shitty Vision-Cosplayer who suffers from red–green color blindness.

Scientist Man: "I call it Red Tornado. Get it? Because it's red!"

 

CATCO - Stupor-Girl's Secret Spy-Room for Sidekicks:

 

Winn: "It's soo good to be here again. Remember back in the time when we liked to hang out here to do stuff? Seems like ages ago."

 

Kara: "I have to fight a robot tomorrow."

 

Winn: "Robot? What kind of robot?" Terminator? Robocop? Wall-E? Jonny-5?"

 

Kara: "General Lane and Lucy want me to do that...signed by the Lady POTUS."

 

James: "So, that's what Lucy's dad is doing."

 

Well James, your girlfriend Lucy is doing it too. So don't blame only her dad.

 

Kara: "I have to do that field test to prove that the puny humans can trust godlike me and my superior cousin."

 

 

Kara Luxury Apartment - Evening:

Kara makes a charade party or something just with Winn, Lucy and James because everyone loves charade aye? Despite the fact that Lucy is an active Army Major(?) and they having an important super-secret field test the next day, she can have every bit of free time she wants. I just imagine her at the front line: Lucy: "Can't fight, need to do my nails." I had to do deep-research to find out her military rank since her dad introduced her only as his "legal attaché". In this show she is a Major of the United States Army Judge Advocate General's Corps - aka JAG. And we all know those lawyers are always present at super-secret weapon testing right Lt. Col. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie?

 

Area 51 - DEO Base Camp (the next day):

The actress Melissa Benoist stares at the stupid looking cosplayer sternly, knowing that her acting career is over. Alex mistakes her look for fear and tries to encourage her.

 

Alex: "Just remember what we trained in that Kryptonite chamber a couple of episodes ago and never again okay?"

 

Random Guy: "20 bucks on the android."

 

Android? I thought it's a robot? Oh wait, it's anthropomorphic so it can be whatever the plot demands right?

 

Hank Henshaw: "If I don't like what I'm seeing, I'm ending this."

 

That's what she said.

 

General Lane: "Which would be understandable if you had any authority over me."

 

Dick measuring contest.

 

General Lane: "Dr. Morrow. You can begin."

 

Dr. Morrow? Dr. T.O. Morrow? First Dr. H. Wells and now that? So, he is from the future as "well"?

 

The fight begins. Red Tornado blows her...I mean he blows her away with a slight breeze. Sub-Par Girl is dazzled. He powers grow weaker every week. RT just stands at the same spot and shoots mini-missiles at her that have less impact than the Robo-Fart before. Stupor-Girl decides to go to the bottom of things and drills down into the ground. Is she trying to play whack-a-mole? Red Tsunami can't detect her but the Army can easily follow her on screen in real time - not so advanced that Red Toaster is? Lucy Lane attempts her best bitch-of-the-week impersonation and succeeds. I think she is just envy about her sister and her passion for kryptonian steel. Kara uses this field test to get rid of accumulated anger. She defeats the Red Torpedo with ease but keeps pounding him even after the test was aborted. Was this really the best time to display kryptonian rage? In front of high-ranking military? Is it the time of the month again? Road Rage? More like Red Rage if you catch my drift. Red Tornister suddenly lifts into the air and becomes invisible. Everyone runs out from their protective shelter to blame Stupor-Girl.

 

General Lane. "That was your fault!"

 

Kara: "You told me to fight it!"

 

Damn right, but logic and reason don't often apply to military.

 

General Lane: "And now because of your recklessness you unleashed an uncontrollable killing machine on National City!" (actual dialogue)

 

You built an uncontrollable killing machine? And you wanted to test it? It failed and it decides to follow whatever you programmed it to do? And now you blame the one person who's only job was to pound and test it? I look aside if you want to break his neck Supergirl. We can tell that it was caused by the uncontrollable killing machine. By the way, how do you know it's heading towards National City since it is in stealth mode now and even you can't track it down? The level of retardness for this show suddenly outmatches Donald Trump which is quite an achievement.

 

Area 51 - Main Exposition Room:

 

General Lane: "A billion dollars and eleven years of R&D. The Red Tornado failed. Destroy it!"

 

A billion dollars? Next time use "Android" instead of iOS guys.

 

Dr. Moron: "Destroy? It cost me eleven years to make!"

 

Almost like Boyhood.

 

General Lane: "You failed and now you're fired!

 

I thought it was Stupor-Girl's fault? Why not fire her? She doesn't get paid here anyway.

 

 

CATCO - National City (still not destroyed by an uncontrollable killing machine):

 

Cat Grant: "Kira! Kira!! Kira!!! KIRA!!!!"

 

Is her cell phone broken? No PA at CatCo? Next time try "Kara" Cat.

 

Kara: "Don't yell you crazy old hag!!...Oops, did I say that out loud?"

 

Kara don't get fired immediately instead Cat wants to go shopping with her? Or what does "chop-chop" mean? I'm soo confused.

 

 

Lord Industries:

Alex appears without an appointment in Maxwell's office. He doesn't have an assistant to save him from uninvited people? His real enemies could just waltz into his office and shoot him in the face - what an idiot. Despite being a secret agent working on super-secret stuff with aliens and such, she gives Maxwell the ripped-of arm from the Red Tsunami. Who authorized her to do that? Why would the Army give that kind of tech to the DEO to bring it to a civilian? I know, I know...don't ask perfectly reasonable questions.

 

Maxwell Smart: "Agent Danvers nice to meet you again. What can I do for the FBI?"

 

Alex: "I want you to trust the government again so I brought you a piece of secret military super-robotics. Stuff the FBI is handling every day you know?"

 

Maxwell Smart: "Lovely color and it almost weight nothing...odd for a piece of robotery. Looks like Supergirl's Mentos-Breath™ made it brittle?"

 

Alex: "It's from an Army android and it's gone rogue. I need you to find it." (actual dialogue)

 

If her cover isn't blown by now then I don't know what will.

 

Maxwell: "And what I'm supposed to do?"

 

Excellent question since you haven't been involved in the process of making that android and instead handing him blueprints and data that broken arm should suffice? He isn't a Mastiff but I bet he can write an algorithm or has a personal satellite or a hand-held scanner. What will it be? I'm soo excited!

 

Alex: "Proof to me that you are not a bad guy and help stop one."

 

Maxwell: "Sorry, but I'm busy with being a bad guy."

Yeah, tell the FBI/DEO lady that you are an evil scientist right in the face. I'm sure that will not have any consequences. Being smart in this universe means you have an IQ which is slightly higher than average - like 75 or 80. Why didn't she asked Winn first? He can pull any skill from his ass...oh wait, he is busy hacking the government.

 

National City in the Evening (city is still not destroyed by an uncontrollable killing machine):

General Lane (in uniform) and his daughter Major Lucy Lane (not in uniform) have an expensive dinner with James because a rogue android ready to level the city don't stop this show from having more drama right?

 

General Lane: "A bottle of moonshine please because I'm irish."

 

James: "Just diet coke please."

 

General Lane: "Never trust a man who doesn't drink."

 

Yeah, that's why your soldiers and other weapon handlers are always liquored aye? You are in uniform here "General"! There is a crisis happen and you are obviously on duty. Despite being very bitchy while uniformed, Lucy tries to look upset about what her father said. Her inconsistent character is one of the most annoying things about this show but fortunately we can skip this whole shit for the sake of mental health.

Meanwhile in the one and only cafeteria of NC:

Chop-chop obviously means getting hammered with booze in girly-talk because Cat and Kara having a befriending session with alcohol. Careful Kara, she still wants your soul. In the meantime the Red Toaster appears at the restaurant to knock Lucy with a mild breeze unconscious which forces James to activate his iWatch. The camera once more zooms uncomfortably close to Kara's pierced ears (I can't stress that enough) so that even the dumbest person in the audience recognize her super-listening powers.

 

General Lane: "I order you to shut off immediately!"

 

Does this ever work? I should call you General Lame from now on, but I doubt we will see you ever again. Of course it doesn't work and the faulty vacuum cleaner wants to punch the General. But Kara appears and does the same trick as with angry driver #1. I wonder what happened to Cat Grant. Stupor-Girl fights the Red Torpedo once more but the android creates a tornado and unleashes it on the city. Stupor-Girl has no choice and abandons the fight - instead of using her trusted Plasma-Vision™ to cut the robot in half - and flies in circles to negate the tornado. Kara is straining herself and growls because flying is soo exhausting? That is what she actually does. It's not like she is running around with super-speed like the Flash. But I'm no alien expert so hey.

 

Area 51 - Stitching Room:

Lucy gets a patch and a lollipop while Kara and her dad are watching.

 

Lucy Lame: "Thanks for bringing me here instead to a nearby hospital. I could have a concussion or worse a spine injury!"

 

Kara: "You're welcome."

 

General Lame: "You let that thing get away. I thought you were on our side!" (actual dialogue)

 

Please General, never blame yourself even if it's true. It was you who built it and it was you who said it was heading towards National City - you know the very town you decided to have some dinner? Remember? I bet he got field promoted to General because his other superior officers died because of his incompetence. This is so unlike Johnny English.

 

Kara: "He was stronger and faster this time...as if he learned something from our last fight."

 

So, that's what anthropomorphic means? Skynet would be so proud of you guys.

 

Lucy Lame: "So, that's why he used that tornado on innocent people! He used your humanity against you!"

 

Well, that implicates this super-secret weapon in robot form knows what humanity means. And the military is always known for creating sentient weapons with a morale code aye?

 

General Lame: "If more innocent civilian die I'll hold you responsible!"

 

That song again? I don't know, but wasn't it the military that invented the term "collateral damage"? Does it ever occur to you that building a weapon that can create hurricanes would not lead to civilian casualties? Ask the people of Hiroshima and Nagasaki how precise military weapons work. They can write you a haiku if you don't like reading much.

 

Hank Henshaw: "I dare you muthafucker, I double-dare you! Your damn robot is covered in a lead alloy which hinders x-ray. I bet it was built to fight kryptonians. Now get the fuck outta here!"

 

That was a nice Samuel L. Jackson impersonation Director Henshaw.

 

Alex: "Maxwell Smart called after he saw that fight. He suddenly wants to help which doesn't raise any red flags."

Lord Industries - Dining Room next to Maxwell's Lab (?):

Maxwell Smart: "Agent Danvers! You look beautiful."

 

Alex: "I just want to help you but you only help others if it helps you which doesn't help me at all."

 

Maxwell Smart. "My parents died."

 

Alex: "My father died too."

 

Bambi: "My mother died too."

 

Peter Parker: "My uncle died too."

 

Bruce Wayne: "My parents died too."

 

Get to the point of this scene already.

 

Maxwell: "The arm you showed me. Beautiful but rudimentary with an incredibly advanced GPS-System."

 

What? You saw a GPS while you were looking at it? For 10 seconds? And no one knows it has a GPS built inside? What the fuck is this? A lost episode of Inspector Gadget?

 

Maxwell: "You were looking for Frankenstein's monster. Go look for Dr. Frankenstein first."

 

Alex: "Thanks for your help."

 

I don't make this up. This is the actual dialogue people. The Army didn't knew about a GPS, fired the inventor without consulting him, give a piece of that tech to an evil engineer who gives you the advice to ask the inventor? Did Kara told Alex about what Maxwell did with the bombs and the drones earlier? Shouldn't it be a crime to be that stupid? I bet Maxwell Smart knows Stupor-Girl's secret identity thanks to his drones, so he knows who Agent Danvers is...except they forgot about that like with anything else if it doesn't drive the plot in the direction they want.

 

Supergirl Private Training Room:

A car hangs from the ceiling like a harpooned whale next to a regular punchbag. She wears civil clothes made from earthy fabric and her glasses while talking to James. He knows her secret damnit, so why is she disguised like that? This show makes me more and more angry. But I digress. They start to train side by side and James isn't even slightly concerned about the fact that Kara is about to punch 2-tons of dangling metal right next to him. Cars in american TV shows have the unusual high tendency to blow up by the slightest impact. Just ask John McLane. But punching a car helps Kara get rid of aggressions so she punches the car very softly which leaves only a few dents in the hood. What follows is the weirdest training montage/anger management session in TV history. James whines about Lucy and her dad and Kara about Cat Grant - which she left drunk in the cafeteria to fight a toaster. But I bet that will have no consequences at all. Kara gets angrier and angrier and her punches more volatile but the car doesn't even nudge. Suddenly she punches the engine out of the car - inches from James face away. And now he looks concerned. What an idiot.

 

Kara: "I'll never be normal even by being myself."

 

Are you a teenager now?

 

Kara: "I can never have what you and Lucy have."

 

I forgot - you're still a virgin. Afraid of never getting laid? There are male hookers Kara. Try one. Or avoid dating douches like the last one.

 

Kara: "My normal life ended when my parents put me on that ship."

 

Uhm, your planet blew up. What kind of normal life did you expect to have if you stayed? Ask Jimmy Smith, it sucks when your planet asplodes. Travel to San Francisco like every one with identity problems. Stop global warming, destroy all ABC weapons but stop whining you selfish prick. You have the luck to look like a human and not have horns, tails, wings or hork acid. You can travel everywhere and experience thousands of wonderful things but you stay at a job you obviously hate, surrounded by retarded people who blame everyone else except themselves. Geesh, built your own fortress of solitude already.

Area 51 - The same set like every time:

Alex: "If we can draw Red Tsunami out then I may be able to trace his signal back to Dr. Moron."

 

Kara: "I punched a car today so I can control my sudden anger for some reason."

 

Hank Henshaw: "We have a solution for your faulty tech General Lame. But we need you as live bait. Don't worry, no one here wants to see you harmed."

 

Random deserted building complex:

General Lame stands in the open and hopes the General-Detector™ of Red Torpedo detects the General which it does. He attacks him but he is a hologram. Red Tsunami can detect the General from miles away but can't tell the difference between a human and a hologram? I call him Red Retardo from now on. He tries to touch the General three times before realising that he has been fooled which gave Stupor-Girl enough time to set up a Tripod-Railgun the size of a Mini-Van and fire at him from behind. Remember that scene from Naked Gun when Nordberg tried to assemble a sniper rifle to stop a helicopter and ended up with a fucking artillery flak a few seconds later? Well I did and that was hilarious - this here isn't. Kara hits Red Retardo two times but except for some cheap spark effects nothing happened. She should try punching again since she forgot about her very effective Mentos-Breath™ from her first encounter. Maybe Plasma-Vision™ this time Kara?

 

Kara: "I have his attention."

 

Seriously?

 

Alex sneaks alone and without any backup into Dr. Moron's lab but he anticipated that move because he controls the android via telepathy?

 

Dr. Moron: "Telepathy. I control his Cerebro-Matrix."

 

....20th Century Fox consults his lawyers at the moment if they can sue CBS. But I think CBS uses copyrighted material done for a limited and “transformative” purpose, such as to comment upon, criticize, or parody a copyrighted work - because this show is a parody! It is just not self-aware enough.

 

Despite being trained for decades, Dr. Moron can surprise Alex and disarms her. A nerdy scientist who spent eleven years in a lab can keep up with a trained special ops agent. Consider my disbelief unsuspended. Remember the cloning villain from the early Flash episodes? He defeated the fastest man alive by cloning himself, creating dozens of doubles of his frail scientist self. You may can outran a turtle but can't outran more than one!

 

In the meantime Stupor-Girl fights the evil robot that is controlled by evil scientist...who is distracted by fighting himself. How does this telepathy works exactly? I know, I know, don't ask perfectly reasonable questions. Despite Red Retardo and Stupor-Girl fighting full force, there is no collateral damage - not even slight debris. Red Retardo tries to suffocate Stupor-Girl which surprisingly works for some reason. Kryptonians can fly through the vacuum of space without aid but I'm no Alien Expert here.

 

Speaking of - Alex Taek-Won-Do's Dr. Moron but he savates her counter-attack but Alex karates him around and he capoeiras in defence. Suddenly she remembers her boring gun and shots him dead. That turns off his Cerebro-Matrix-Telepathy-Thingy and shuts down Red Retardo.

 

Stupor-Girl again was saved by puny humans - now that's embarrassing.

 

But the show isn't over yet. The death of Dr. Moron somehow transferred his mind into the robot and he reboots. He growls like a T-Rex to display being sentient now? But her teenage rage returns in form of he full-force Plasma-Vision™. She unleashes 5 trillion degrees of heat upon Red Retardo and screams like Rocky Balboa but her super-yell doesn't destroy the city for some reason. Instead we see a flashback of her rescue via spaceship from Krypton - the source of her anger? I would rather be pissed if I didn't made it out of that hell-hole. Red Retardo asplodes like a bad fart joke and causes no destruction at all. Seriously, just a mild breeze.

 

Kara's Luxury Apartment of Solitude:

Alex: "What's going on?"

 

Kara: "Remember Winn? He is in this show too but only when we need him. We are such good friends."

 

Winn: "I did some digging and your father and an agent went to South America to look for an alien - alone. A scientist and a single agent wanted to hunt down an alien. Well, it didn't worked obviously and both were presumed dead."

 

Alex: "Sounds like my dad. What else?"

 

Winn: "A month later that agent appeared without a single scratch but he couldn't remember anything that's why they made him the Director of the DEO."

 

Alex: "Hank Henshaw?"

 

Area 51 - Main Exposition Room full of agents:

Hank Henshaw walks through the room like a boss displaying red glowing eyes. Seriously.

 

CATCO - Maleficent's Lair:

Cat's Mother: "You were supposed to be here half an hour ago. I need to catch a plane. Is this creature some kind of unpaid internal?" (actual dialogue)

 

Kara: "Excuse me?"

 

Cat Grant removes her giant sunglasses because she still tries to recover from her hangover with Kara - a week ago! And to everyone's surprise she isn't mad at Kara for leaving her in her own puke in a public place.

 

Cat Grant: "You are not allowed to mock about my assistant, who btw is excellent at her job." (actual dialogue)

 

I am still watching the Supergirl show right? Did I missed something? So, yelling at your boss, leaving him drunk somewhere and being always absent from work gains me respect from said boss? Ooh, I forgot - only when you are a woman. Thanks Anita Sarkeesian. Kara breaks a glass and cuts her finger.

 

Kara: "I'm bleeding?"

 

Must be that time of the month.