Supergirl S01E02 Review (Parody)

Supergirl Episode  2 Review

After an annoying recap of the pilot episode, this one starts with explosions cause everything is better with explosion, amirite Michael? But its just a training exercise every field agent of the DEO has to absolve…human or woman. She passes the test because she can outfly the missiles. Those other agents didn’t do so well on that test – RIP Arrow. Supergirl breaks the sound barrier just right above the DEO camp which causes a massive sandstorm and everyone is dying horribly – just kiddin’, it just caused a mild breeze.

Kara: “Are these missiles suppose to stop super-powered aliens? Because they suck.”

Hank Henshaw: “I see you share your cousins appetite for wanton destruction.” (actual dialogue)

Kara: “What? Wait? Is this show set into the Man of Steel universe, the Bryan Singer universe or based on Christopher Reeve’s version of Superm..?”

Hank Henshaw: Glares at her sternly

Kara: “Okay, I get it. Have to go back to work anyway. Why I’m still not fired is beyond any belief.”

Someone intrudes her military-encrypted communicator unnoticed by the DEO agents which proves again how useless they are. But it is not the next villain of the week, it is just friendzoner/fanboy Winn Schott. Winn sits in the CATCO office and spills out her secret identity via his bluetooth headset. He informs Kara that there is a huge fire at the docks and to emphasize the size of it he displays it on two monitors, or does he monitors it on two displays?

Kara: “Sorry Alex, I have to go. Dangerous fire at the port.”

Alex: “Wait, this can wait. Instead saving human lives it is more important for you now to chill. You have been flying around for two hours.”

Kara: “Seriously? This is your advice for the day? Letting people burn to death so I don’t need to break a sweat? We are dangerously crossing Man of Steel territory here.”

Supergirl heads to the docks where male fire-fighters tell her what to do. She completely fucks it up and creates an oil spill. Lucky, there is no Aquaman in this universe. The news speak of an ecological disaster despite there has been only maybe a dozen gallons of oil spilled into the harbour. Superman destroyed Smallville and Metropolis but this show is not about him.

Kara remembers that she is still employed and went back to work. Winn is waiting for her and they loudly discuss her superhero failure in the middle of the bustling office. For trying to keep her Supergirl identity secret, she does a piss poor job. Cat Grant calls everyone for a meeting in her artsy office and starts bitchin’ about Supergirl’s mediocrity but since Supergirl is a “gurl” too she wants to restore the faith in her…for personal profit of course.

Cat Grant: “I want a personal interview with her at the end of the week. Get lost and make it happen.”

She meets with James Olsen and discuss everything not only about her secret identity, but that of her cousins as well in the open space of the CATCO office which is full of reporters! You can’t seriously be more retarded than that.

Kara: “I can’t do that! She will recognize me!”

James: “You are invisible to Cat Grant, like Clark Kent is invisible to his workmates…except when he isn’t because he won several Pulitzer prizes and his face is on every article he wrote. Now that I’m thinking of it, the people of Metropolis must be pretty oblivious.”

Kara: “But this show is about me and not him! How should I deal with it?”

James: “As a manly man I will tell you what to do. I give you a pep talk. You wear half his costume and half his calling name, now it’s up to you to fill up the rest.”

Its late night when two security guards patrol a chemical plant so Kara can complete her daily work schedule this time. They compare superheros with basketball teams which makes as much sense as it sounds really. They split up which is always a good idea and the black guy meets a suspicious man who is obviously siphon gasoline into his gascan.

Black guard: “There are easier ways to steal fuel buddy. This isn’t a parking lot.”

But the man is no man – it is another alien…or something because it looks like a rip-off from Blade II. Black guard shoots at him but either misses or the alien is resistant to lead. The alien imitates Spiderman and leaps after the fleeing guard. We don’t see how the guard dies since a giant Superman-Logo suddenly eats up the whole screen.

Black SUV’s arrive at the crime scene to investigate a murder – something the police would never do. Supergirl is there too and looks concerned.

Hank Henshaw: “What’s she doing here?”

Alex: “I called her sir. We had aliens. She is one. It’s a resource we didn’t had before.” (actual dialogue)

Hank Henshaw: “Are you kiddin’ me? That is why we have you, Ms. Alien Expert! What skills can she provide to this case? X-ray vision? We have our own x-ray scanners! Microscopic vision? We have our own microscopes! Is she an alien expert because she is alien too? Do I have to check your curriculum vitae if it’s not fake?”

Alex: “Kara, please look around or I get fired. Something these DEO agents can do but your super-eyes might be quicker.”

Kara noticed something that creates a flashback.

Exposition Flashback (this is so unlike the Flash show):

Krypton. Kara is trying to read a cubicle, rotating hologram book? It has the same paragraph and font like a generic english book which solves the riddle why every kryptonian can speak english. Her mother Alura enters to check if she is sleeping.

Alura: “What are you reading?”

Young Kara: “Mein Kampf. It is quite entertaining. Earthlings are soo funny.”

Alura: “Err…yes, they are honey. Look, I’m sorry to be late and that your father is a horrible cook. When a woman leaves the kitchen…”

Young Kara: “Why are you late? Another criminal to judge?”

Alura: “Yes honey. This criminal was an alien. His people are called Hellgromites. Who would have guessed an alien race with such a name could spawn criminals aye?”

Young Kara: “Yes, it surprised the whole Green Lantern Corps when Sinestro turned evil as well.”

Young Kara researches “Hellgromites” on Wikipedia for the very rare case she might encounter one some day.

Kara: “That was a Hellgromite. I remember that my mom once tossed one into jail.”

Alex: “According to the data we salvaged from the wreckage Fort Ross, there was a Hellgromite prisoner onboard.” (actual dialogue)

Kara: “It’s pretty handy that kryptonians speak english but how do you extract data from an alien technology thousands of years advanced to yours?”

Hank Henshaw: “12 years ago, Microsoft invented the most powerful operating system – Windows XP! It was able to solve that problem.”

Kara: “Okay, point me to the alien and I kick his butt. Like I did with Vartox.”

Hank Henshaw: “Technically, he kicked yours…twice. You need more training.”

Alex: “I trained in this room for 5 month, 12 hours a day to qualify for the DEO.”

Kara: “And what I’m supposed to do here since I already passed the whole missile-dodging-test?”

Alex punches Kara in the face and sent her flying through the room like a ragdoll. It’s the second time she backstabs her sister. Are we still to believe she is the good guy and not some Harrison Wells type villain in disguise?

Kara: “How did you do that?”

Alex activates the chamber which is now glowing green with Kryptonite.

Alex: “Kryptonite emitters. Running at 18% not to harm you but to weaken you.” (actual dialogue)

Kara: “For the second time – Kryptonite radiation is not only painful, it is a poisoning radiation that is able to kill Kryptonians! Do you want me to get cancer?”

Alex: “Don’t be such a pussy Kara. It is actually astonishing that you fell from my punch before I activated the chamber and you didn’t felt the radiation at all. For someone with super-senses you suck at noticing things.”

Kara: “So why do you train in a room with kryptonite emitters anyway? To learn how to deal with Kryptonians? This doesn’t make any sense at all.”

Alex: “Look Kara, this is not so much about why, it is to show the audience some sweet catfight m’kay?”

They fight and it looks rehearsed and retarded at the same time. They obviously hired the same fight choreographer from Superman IV – A Quest for Peace.

Kara returns to her work at CATCO and despite her super-healing, she still has bruises and walks like a duck. Maybe she shouldn’t wear such tight-fitting pants.

Cat Grant: “Why do you walk like you have a broom up your rear?”

Kara: “I took your advice and did some pilates. Oh boy, it’s pretty hard. Speaking of hard. Why do you still criticizing Supergirl?”

Cat Grant: “I don’t know….maybe because she created an oil spill? You know the one they still trying to clean up?”

Kara: “But she tried to save the day. Superman did mistakes too when he started….”

Cat Grant: “Him, him, him. Kara, for the last time – this show is not about the Man of Steel.”

What follows is a 5 minute monologue about female suppression, but mostly its all about herself. She dismisses Kara to return to her children’s portion of sushi. Kara wants to leave work again in the middle of the day to meet up with her friendzoner Winn in the alley. The alley seems to be an old set piece from The Shadow (1994) which looks totally out of place regarding the glass and steel skyscrapers of National City. But I digress.

James: “Hey, what are you doing here?”

Winn: “Uhm, I wanted to smoke…because it’s so steamy here?”

Kara drops in to create the most awkward Ménage-à-trois situation in superhero history.

Kara: “If I want to become a real superhero I need to take advice not from one, but from two men.”

James: “Well, so much for female empowerment. And how can a photographer and a bumbling office clerk be of any advice to train a Kryptonian anyway?”

Winn: “Hey! I made that outfit and I’m pretty good at cybercrime too!”

James: “This is exactly what I meant.”

Another industrial complex somewhere in National City. Evil Hellgromite is hiding in plain view when he get caught by two Kryptonians.

Evil Kryptonian #1: “You should have stay hidden under a stone like the cockroach you are.”

Hellgromite: “I have needs. And I don’t want to be a part of your plans! Tell her that.”

Evil Kryptonian #2: “Tell her yourself.”

Evil Alura: “I told you we are stronger together.”

Hellgromite: “But my only power is to hiss like an angry cat!”

Evil Alura: “But you make for an excellent bait for my niece….muahahaha!”

Evil Kryptonian #1: “Muahahaha!”

Evil Kryptonian #2: “Muahaha!”

The next day, Supergirl is patrolling the city with the help of her friends. Has Kara taken a day off again?

Kara: “Okay, what you got for me?”

Winn: “Pizza Hut gets robbed!”

Kara: “What? Who robs a Pizzeria? Hungry Hobos?”

Supergirl puts two fingers in the sawn-off shotgun from one of the robbers. He shoots anyway and gets wounded horribly from the backfire…just kiddin’, he fells asleep.

Kara: “Okay, what else?”

James: “A traffic jam.”

Kara: “Guys, you’re not helpful at all. The police can handle this pretty well.”

James: “You wanted help to polish your image or what? Now do what I told you woman!”

Kara makes the most of it and solves the traffic jam and posing heroic for the cameras.

Winn: “Now for the cliché. Rescue a kitten from a tree.”

Kara: “You know I could rip you in half with my eyelashes? And how did this end up as an emergency call on a police line?”

Kara rescues a snake named “Fluffy” and displays her dislike for snakes.

Kara: “I swear, you do that just to embarrass me.”

The news are full of images of Supergirl doing police work and the police seems a-okay with that. Kara celebrates her success in her bright lit apartment still dressed as Supergirl in plain view of any neighbour peeking out of a window. She should rename herself into Space-Bimbo, the clueless crimefighter.

Kara: “I couldn’t have done that without you guys.”

James: “And the most astonishing part is we all are not fired yet for skipping work the whole day!”

Alex bangs at the door asking for another x-ray treatment. I guess she can forget starting her own family now.

Alex: “You told your friends?”

Kara: “Yes, because they are my friends, or is it against DEO rules to have friends?”

Since when did she became enlisted in the DEO? I thought she was just an asset…but I digress again.

Alex: “I always wanted to be your big sister. That doesn’t change because since last week you decided to fight criminals.”

Kara: “Last week I thought you’re working in a lab but you risk your live to fight aliens….and I still trust you.” (actual dialogue)

I bet that faith will backfire again soon. Well, back to black ops HQ.

Hank Henshaw: “That Hellgromite was busy. Six similar attacks on chemical plants last year but not enough material stolen to create a weapon of mass destruction.”

Yeah, you need a lot of bleach to wipe out a town I guess.

Generic DEO Agent #7: “I’m not so sure about that sir. His alien DNA isn’t carbon-based. It’s based on chlorine.”

Hank Henshaw: “And what does this has to do with a bomb you moron?”

Alex: “Oh, I know! I know! He isn’t looking for bomb material – he is eating DDT!”

Hank Henshaw: “You sure want me to fire you Danvers! This doesn’t make any sense.”

Alex: “DDT was banned by the government and they try to destroy the rest.”

Hank Henshaw: “So, his food sources are shrinking. Let’s set up a trap like in Roland Emmerich’s Godzilla then.”

A short CATCO intermezzo with some boss bitchin’ creates some drama but has no impact on the story at all. So, we cut back to sweet alien hunting ‘kay?

Hank Henshaw: “Okay, we have this pile of barrels filled with DDT on a truck. Leave the rear open in plain view and drive pretty fast through civilian area.”

Generic DEO Agent #11: “Roger that commander.”

Turns on loud music and checks his email while steering the truck with his feet.

Alex: “According to my alien expert skills, the Hellgromite can smell DDT from 100 miles away.”

The Hellgromite jumps on the truck literally out of nowhere. Hank and Alex open fire on the truck like a bunch of idiots risking not only the life of its driver, but contaminating the whole town. If that’s the whole spectrum of DEO competence I’m ready to fill the sign up form now. But they are lousy shots, so the driver and the town are safe but the Hellgromite is pretty pissed now and unleashed another superpower on the incompetent agents. He porcupines them with crystal shards or something and hisses like an angry cat.

After a short commercial break, we see the Hellgromite dragging Alex to another industrial facility. Looks like the black guy and that asian agents didn’t made it or he has a sweet spot for earth females.

Hellgromite: “Supergirl didn’t showed up so I brought you a displacement.”

Evil Alura: “Oh, I always wanted a pin cushion earthling for my shelve.”

James Olson is brooding like a man – alone on a balcony. Kara tries to cheer him up.

Kara: “I don’t want you to get you fired so I will do that interview with Cat Grant.”

James: “Being a friend of your cousin helped me in my job y’know. But I always wanted to be my own man.” (actual dialogue)

Kara: “On Krypton, no one was their own man. Getting help from others isn’t a shame – it’s an honor.”

That was actually a pretty decent pep talk. I hope it doesn’t turn into schmalz.

Hank Henshaw: “Our trap failed and that Hellgromite kidnapped your sister.”

Kara: “Since you utterly fucked it up, it’s my turn to clean up the mess?”

Hank Henshaw: “If you put it that way…”

Kara: “I will find her.”

Hank Henshaw: “Okay.”

Kara: “I will find her!”

Hank Henshaw: “I heard you before.”

Kara: “I WILL FIND HER!!!”

Hank Henshaw: “Geez, what’s with the Zod impersonation suddenly?”

Supergirl flies through National City downtown with her eyes closed, trying to hear her sister somewhere among thousands of honking cars. Lucky for the citizens, she doesn’t smash a building.

Alex: “Alura!”

Evil Alura: “How do you know that name?”

Alex: “I saw a hologram of you brought here from Krypton. It looked like you except for that shitty, white-dyed curl of hair.”

Evil Alura: “Twins are rare on Krypton.”

Here too. Don’t you think you’re special Evil-Lynn…err Alura.

Evil Alura: “I am General Astra!” (actual dialogue)

Alex: “And here I thought this show couldn’t get even more stupider.”

Astra: “You think I want to kill humans? I’m here to save you.”

Alex: “Uhm, actually you are here because Supergirl involuntary dragged you out of the Phantom Zone. But if it helps your denial.”

Supergirl heard her name and is suddenly able to pinpoint the exact location of her sister, giving Hank Henshaw GPS coordinates via her communicator – the one that was in her ear the whole time. She lands there and didn’t use any of her super-vision-powers to search for threats and is greeted by a punch from her auntie.

Astra: “Hello, it’s been a long time.”

Kara: “It’s been a long time since you punched me in the face? How did you survive Kryptons fate anyway?”

Astra: “Your mother didn’t told you? She send me to Fort Ross for trying to save Krypton.”

Kara: “Wow, twin sisters, betrayal and revenge. I bet you ask me next to join you?”

Astra: “There is no escape! Don’t make me destroy you. Kara, you do not yet realize your importance. You’ve only begun to discover your power! Join me, and I will complete your training! With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict, and bring order to the galaxy.”

Kara: “This sounds somewhat familiar, so I have to say nah!”

What follows is a fight between two super-powered Kryptonians but unlike Man of Steel the damage keeps within reasonable limits. Suck on that Zach Snyder. They punch, they kick and they use their plasma-death-stare at each other but somehow they use it to block? Lightsaber much?

Astra: “Amazing!”

Kara: “Right? That we can even see anything with this plasma-flare emitting from our eyes is astonishing.”

The Hellgromite comes back for no reason as to kick a wounded female earthling around – he’s such a gentleman. But unlike most earth animals that are resistant to their own poison he is not which Alex takes to her advantage and Tae-Bo’s him with his own stinger.

Astra: “You shouldn’t have challenged me little one. Krypton failed, your father failed and your mother too. And you should reconsider that cape.”

Kara: “That’s it! You can insult me, or my mother but never-ever insult my fashion style!”

But being older and better trained, Astra tenderized Supergirl with ease which creates a flashback. When I get several blows to the head, my brain starts leaking from my nostrils but I’m no kryptonian so hey. Kara remembers her training with Alex, especially the convenient use-your-opponents-strength-against-him..err her. She tosses her auntie away and immediately forgets about her – I hope that doesn’t backfire. But it does, but Alex and Kara are saved by a black guy…with a gun…from earth. Well okay, he has knife made out of kryptonite too. Lucky for all, it hurt Astra’s pride enough to fly away – with said knife still in her arm! I need a manual about how kryptonite works.

They return to desert black ops base and finally Alex’s wounds gets stitched up. I don’t know how far that base is a way from National City but you would’ve guessed they treated her wounds earlier, since it was from a toxic alien stinger. But instead of bandages she used a cooling pad for her wounds…yes, this happened.

Alex: “First Krypton and your parents, now your aunt. I can’t imagine how you feel.”

Kara: “We have to stop her! For doing something…actually I have no clue what she is about to do.”

Alex: “Why was she imprisoned to Fort Ross anyway?”

Kara: “Uhm..I don’t know but she insulted my cousins blanket.”

Alex: “That should be enough to hunt her down…I guess.”

Kara: “I will need more training to be able to stop her.”

Alex: “There is something I want to show you. Something I was working on. Your cousin has some kind of fortress in the arctic. We don’t know much about it but he used it to commune with his kryptonian ancestors.” (actual dialogue)

Kara: “There is soo much wrong with what you said but please continue.”

Alex: “I built this room with reinforced steel doors and I made it so that it will only open for you.” (sigh)

Kara: “Let me recapitulate for the audience okay? You somehow know about my cousins fortress and that he used it for speaking to dead kryptonians? And you created a room inside DEO HQ that is suppose to copy that technology but only I have access to it? Did I miss something or should I call the Men in White right away?

Alex: “Just look for yourself.”

Supergirl opens the vault and looks at the actress who is playing her mother and her auntie.

Kara: “I don’t understand.”

Alex: “We stole that Expositionum back from you, cracked it open, somehow being able to understand the alien technology and rebuilt it here. Amazing isn’t it? It is an interactive hologram. This is so unlike Man of Steel.”

Supergirl is left with her mother’s hologram to play Q&A while Alex thanks Hank Henshaw for setting up that room. He left and displays red glowing eyes for no reason. Let’s hope no other DEO agent saw this while passing by. More mysteries.

Astra gets stitched up in alien HQ by an alien doctor who is no kryptonian. He analyses the blade and detects that it’s emitting specific radioactivity. Guess those DEO agents should check in for a cancer screening.

Epilogue:

Cat Grant gets kidnapped by Supergirl for their scheduled interview. She drops her with her car on a roof and hovers in front of the limousine’s spotlights. We will see if Cat Grant is that retarded to not recognize her.