Breaking the Sound Barrier...or something

My name is Kara Zor-El and I’m the fastest man alive….wait…what?

So I watched the pilot for the new CBS show, Supergirl and after I recovered from a brain concussion delivered by a powerful facepalm, I decided to write down a review that pretty much reflects my thoughts on this show. It was marketed and praised as female empowerment and as a big fan of DC’s Supergirl I was hyped as well to watch it. Well, things didn’t turned out so good since the trailer had the exact same quality like the pilot. I’m a guy who is into gender/race equality and supports it if necessary and despite this show being called “feminist” it is an atrocity on that part to the point it is insulting. This review is meant as a parody and reflects only my own concerns with this show. Enjoy.

Prologue:

CBS producers are sitting around a table discussing how to jump on the superhero train. They invited Greg Berlanti and Andrew Kreisberg for their creative input.

CBS-Douchebag #1: “We were blown away with the success of the Flash tv show. We want something similar.”

Greg Berlanti: “Thank you for not mentioning Green Lantern and I think we both can work something out for you.”

They collect a big paycheck and immediately start working on a script…aw, who am I kidding – they spend the money on coke and hookers the next weeks.

Andrew awakens first from his drug-inflicted coma.

Andrew Kreisberg: “What time is it? What day? What month?”

Greg Berlanti: “Dude, I’m blind!”

Andrew drags the liquored hooker from Greg’s face and they notice a couple of hundred messages on their voicemail.

Greg Berlanti: “Shit, we have to work on a script fast or we get sued!”

Andrew Kreisberg: “Quick…we need a draft to show CBS we are not complete hack frauds!”

Greg Berlanti: “Oh wait..wait! I have an idea!”

Greg pulls out his script from the Flash pilot and changes the title.

Andrew: “Oh, that’s smart!”

They high-five and get back to clean up their loft…from the rest of cocaine.

This actually happened.

Part 1 – Introduction:

A group of neckbeards are sitting in front of a 60-inch flatscreen awaiting the new superhero show from CBS.

They look onto what appears to be a shitty 1995 screensaver while a female voice explains the cheap powerpoint presentation in a very conspiciously similar narrative. We cut to a couple that drop their only child into something that looked like a leftover prop from the Black Swan movie and shot it into space. But to everyones surprise they built a second…ship(?) for another couple to drop their child into too – this time we see young Kara who looks pretty concerned about her outfit.

Kara: “It’s okay you have shoot me into space to protect baby Kal-El, even though it would have make much more sense to put us both into one spacecraft, but do I really have to wear the romper suit from Marlon Brando?”

Pa-El: “Ssh, your experience as baybsitter make you perfect for this job.”

Ma-El: “You will get great powers on Earth like Super-Blandness or Super-Something…we don’t know cause none of us has ever been there. Oh by they way, take this precious necklace with you. Our lives are not important but this jewelry cost a fortune wich we should have better used to built more spacecrafts…thanks for that Pa-El.”

Pa-El: “You’re welcome honey. And you my daughter have fun in space and stay away from random portals to the Phantom Zone.”

Kara lifts off while her homeplanet Krytpton explodes like Alderaan in the digitally mastered edition of Star Wars Ep. IV but we can’t blame the Death Star this time…or George Lucas. Her ship gets hit and sucked into a cheap CGI remake from Disney’s The Black Hole from 1979, or maybe it’s an actual footage of a flushing toilet.

Kara: “Oh noes! I knew this show would gonna suck…but so soon?”

But luckily for her even the Phantom Zone thinks she sucks too and spits her out again – just 24 years later. She crash landed on Earth and is still concerned.

Kara: “I’m concerned that I slept 24 years without growing older and I’m still in puberty? How do I know I slept 24 years since…”

A shadowy figure with a cape violently rips open her spacraft and offers Kara his hand.

Stranger: “Come with me if you want to star in your own tv show.”

Kara: “Cousin! It’s you and not a pedophile rapist, cause rapists don’t wear capes!”

The man, only known as “Cousin” immediately drops her at a white-painted house at the coast and tells her that these random strangers are scientist who want to know more about kryptonian physique and be her new parents from now on. They look like they don’t want to be in this show.

Ma Danvers: “I’m not your mother and we can’t adopt you legally because you are an illegal immigrant without any papers but you have to be home everyday at 8 PM m’kay?”

Pa Danvers: Sucking uselessly in the background because this show is about female empowerment!

Kara: “Woah! Dean Cain and Helen Slater play my new parents! Superman and Supergirl? And you have a daughter too? That’s gross. But I guess you have to feed the nostalgia geeks somehow.”

Ma Danvers: “I’m glad you take this surprisingly well. Let’s get rid of this silly codpiece and we will begin to explain and train you how to use your new powers.”

Kara: “Great! I can’t wait to see us together getting used to my powers and sharing valuable family experiences.”

The Danvers are never ever mentioned again and we cut forward to present day – eleven years have past.

Kara: “What da fuq?” I thought this would be some kind of origin story like in the Flash?”

Her own voice narrative: “Nono, you see we increase the suspense so it will be more empowering when you finally wear your costume for the first time and stop criminals that the police is suppose to handle.”

Kara: “But I did train my immense powers so far to not accidentally destroy my phone while pressing the display…or towns?”

Her own voice narrative: “Well…no. We skip all that and assume you haven’t destroyed anything because maybe you were not an emotinally challenged teenage girl with periodic cramps?”

Kara: “Okay, but I have secretly done some crimefighting right?”

Her own voice narrative: “Hm, no…no. You were raised like any normal kid, went to school and now are busy with your daily job, paying taxes and ..oh, and still be a virgin – at the age of 24! Because nothing says more about female empowerment like keeping your traps shut.”

Kara: “I see, we don’t even try to do something new. Instead we recycle not only every check mark from the Flash show, no, we even recycle the gawdawful Supergirl movie from 1984.”

Her own voice narrative: “Exactly, now enjoy your boring life with far more interesting characters until something budget-friendly happened.”

Kara: “So, my astonishing life starts in the bristling city of Metro…what? Wait – National City?”

Her own voice narrative: “Yes, not only couldn’t we afford the rights to the name Superman, we even have to pass on the Metropolis part most of the time. You see, CGI effects are expensive when you running a tv show.”

Kara: “That does not explain my 80’s outfit! A peach skirt and a grey sweater?”

Her own voice narrative: “We wanted to throw in some Ugly Betty theme so that your final empowerment will be more awesome.”

Kara: “I hope at least my superhero outfit will rock…oh damn! We are still in the exposition part and I’m late for work.”

Kara went to CATCO Worldwide Media, an Online & Print Empire built by her boss Cat Grant. She is met by her friendzoner workmate Winn Schott who tries to convince her about the existence of aliens.

Winn: “Look at this. There is a guy with two penises on his head. I tell you – aliens exist!”

Kara: “There is no such thing as aliens.”

Winn: “But Superma…!”

Kara: “Sshh!! We are not suppose to say his name. Call him…Cousin.”

Winn: “Why would I do that? By the way, wanna date me in a dark movie theatre..say tonite?”

Kara: “Oh, I’m sorry. I already have a date.”

Winn: “Seriously? Your facebook status still says cobwebs.”

Kara: “I’m no longer doing facebook. I’m on Tinder now. You know? All young hip twens do Tinder now. Facebook is for oldtimers. And seriously, some 32 year old handsome guy like you shouldn’t dig an early 20’s girl like me…or do you have a disfunctionality?”

Winn: “I…..”

Kara can’t hear what Winn wants to say because her boss elevates…err…is lifted…no, wait. She arrives via her personal turbolift.

Kara: “Good morning…Calista Flockhart? Wow, CBS spared no expense!”

Cat Grant: “Someone farted inside my personal elevator. I want a full investigation – CSI, NCIS and JLA!”

Kara: “Yes boss. What else?”

Cat Grant: “Cancel my lunch, social life and get some people fired because nothing says female empowerment like bitchin’ around and act like every other male douche.”

Kara: “Firing people? But what about their families?”

Cat Grant: “How you became my personal assistant with that attitude is beyond me but I will explain it to you nonetheless because we are still in the character introduction of me. Bitch-bitchity-bitch-bite-claw-bitching-hiss-snarl-bitch. Got it? Fine!”

Kara: “I go then meet this new guy you mentioned between your bitching monologue.”

Kara leaves to look after the new guy who is a 9’4″ manly-man of black baldness with a pearl-white smile and the muscle tissue that even Captain America would turn green with envy. He greets her with a disarming smile and a deep voice that could melt steel – wich it does – instantly!

Kara: “You are Jimmy Olsen from the Daily Planet?”

James: “Please call me James. No one calls me Jimmy anymore.”

Kara: “Wow, the first time recycling stuff creates a more quality product! Can I see your package?”

James: “What?”

Kara: “Woah! I meant your load…nono, wait I meant your layout…for the headline, because we still have print media. Oh is that a picture of that caped guy we mention every 3 minutes in this show?”

James: “Yes, my first photo of him.”

Kara: “Photo? This looks like a cheap matte painting to me made with Adobe After Effects.”

James: “Well, I was young and in need of money. And he inspires people.”

Kara: “Wow, you came awkwardly close and instead of having red-flag-vision, I have a lady-boner…gotta go.”

Part 2 – More Characters:

Kara leaves her work in the middle of the day to get dressed for her date in the evening, because nothing says more about female empowerment than taking endless hours to pick clothes. Her adopted sister, Alex visits her.

Alex: “I have to take a plane to Switzerland in 2 hours and instead of beating you senseless with a Vanity Fair magazine I’m just amazed how big and well decorated your acre-sized apartment is. How can you afford that with your shitty loan?”

Kara: “Please Alex, I really need some exposition here and not nitpicking.”

Alex: “Well, you always wanted to be normal…for whatever reasons, you even look 8 years younger than me thanks to your alien DNA. So, pick the blue outfit because you mentioned your cousin too often during this conservation and I can be off to have my TSA treatment.”

Kara meets her nameless date in a bar in the evening who makes most of his 30 second screentime to act like a douche so we feel sorry for Kara.

Date: “So, where are you from originally?”

Doesn’t look up from his phone and smacks the waitress’ butt.

Kara: “You mean, like where I was born?”

Date: “Sorry, can that wait? I have to take a dump.”

Leaves her and jumps out of the bathrooms window for a good ol’ dine-n-dash.

A newsflash shows a certain plane is about to crash.

Kara: “Wow! The news are pretty fast and up-to-date in National City! Normally, we see such things on TV when the plane is already crashed…wait, that’s the Switzland-Express!”

News: “This plane, wich already should have been halfway to Europe is still over National City for some reason and it’s burning like mad! We need Superma….!”

Kara: “No! I have to do it! Because my sister is aboard! Wow, imagine she wasn’t since I was about to do nothing.”

Kara leaves the bar exactly in that moment when the burning plane crosses her view between two scycrapers in the nightsky while fireman drive in the oppsite direction because the director of this show is an idiot.

Kara takes of her fake glasses since they block her telescopic vision (?) and zooms into and inside the fast descending plane to check on her sister. Fuck the other 230 people, right Kara?

She runs with normal human speed into an empty alley and drops her jacket because it was new? A few super-leaps activate her flying power and she speeds toward the plane. A second turbine catches fire while the first one drops and retarded bystanders watch the scene from the streets. The worst pilot in aviation history still yells “Mayday” into the mic and circling over the heavy populated town instead to steer the plane into a river or something.

Kara: “Finally, I can do some life-saving!”

Kara drops the plane into a river and all passengers are save despite every knowledge about inertia and g-forces. The people inside the plane don’t check or care if someones hurt and take a shitload of photos from the Maiden of Steel!

Back in her apartment she watches the news about her saving that plane when her sister enters.

Kara: “What are you doing here so fast? Shouldn’t you not be in a hospital for a check up or something and being questioned by the police, FBI, Homeland Security and insurance agents from the airline?”

Alex: “Don’t change the subject Kara! You can’t do that! People will know about you and then you are no longer save!”

Kara: “But my cousin did too and he…”

Alex: “Stop it! We agreed not to mention him since this show is about you!”

Kara: “What should I do then? Going back to Glee?”

Alex: “You should go back to your normal life and hope no one recognizes you with your glasses on.”

Kara went back work the next day and to her luck all of the “reporters” at CATCO are as retarded as the producers of this show. Cat Grant has gathered all in her office for some brainstorming and misses the opportunity for a JK Simmons impersonation and wants to praise the new superheroine as the next big thing.

Cat Grant: “I want a full investigation! CSI, NCIS and JLA! Off you go.”

Kara lefts her work again in the middle of the day to meet up with her friendzoner Winn Schott on the roof of CATCO.

Winn: “I’m very uncomfortable with heights. I hope that wont become a problem later in the show.”

Kara: “Can I trust you?”

Winn: “I wanted to come out of the friendzone and into your panties yesterday…so yes.”

Kara: “I appreciate your honesty. I’ve been hiding something from you but I can’t keep it secret anymore.”

Winn checks his breath, pouts his lips, closes his eyes and leans awkwardly closer.

Kara: “I had my coming out last night!”

Winn: “Wow! Wow….you’re a can-can?”

Kara: “What?”

Winn spreads two fingers over his mouth and makes disgusting moves with his tongue.

Kara: “No! I’m not gay!!!”

Winn: “Wow, that sounded pretty defensively aggressive.”

Kara: “No, I’m her! The girl that saved the plane!”

Winn: “I don’t know. The lesbian theory sounds more plausible to me.”

Kara: “Here, let me show you.”

She jumps from the roof like a suicidal just to fly up again and land on the roof a few seconds later – in broad daylight! In a heavy populated city with helicopters, phone cameras, satellite surveillance, reaper drones and live stream web-cams!

Winn: “Woah, instead of giving me a heart attack, you could have convinced me with just floating a few inches above the ground y’know?”

We cut to a truck stop in the middle of somewhere, where the T-800 from the Sarah Connor Chronicles is disguised as a cheap Klingon cosplayer while whetting his fingernails at the counter of the diner. He leaves very upset after he saw the news footage and enters his wheel estate disguised as a fuel tanker. It is completely empty except for a giant iPad in the middle. A nameless guy is waiting for him on Skype.

Commander: “I think you’ve overdone Feng Shui.”

Vartox: “All a man needs is a flatscreen and a PS4.”

Commander: “I see. Do you saw the news?”

Vartox: “Yes, this kryptonian female is the biggest threat to our Klingon Empire!”

Commander: “Well, not quite. There is still that other guy but you need to send her back into the kitchen – Hell’s Kitchen.”

Vartox grabs his bat’leth, pounds his hairy chest and roars like a silverback with diarrhea.

It’s evening when Winn makes an obscenely ludicrous stripper outfit for Kara while Carl Carlton’s “She’s a Bad Mama Jama (She’s Built, She’s Stacked)” is playing in the background. Cause nothing says more like female empowerment like having an 80’s pander song on your soundtrack.

Kara: “My buttocks are obscenely exposed. I can’t wear that outfit in public.”

Winn: “Well, you have no trouble posing in it in front of me, so you’re fine I guess.”

Kara: “I need a cape.”

Winn: “Capes are lame but okay, my inexplicable sewing skills will see what they can do for you.”

Kara: “This is way better.”

Winn: “Sure, a mini-skirt looks perfect for flying around – up in the air. Speaking of, I have a crime in progress for you to solve. I hacked into the NCPD with my inexplicable hacking-skills every bumbling sidekick seems to have these days.

Kara: “You want me to arrest you for cybercrime against an official government department? Is your brain the size of a peanut?”

Winn: “What? No! I hacked into so I can listen to the police calls. There is a car chase happening right now. You can assist the police.”

Kara lifts of to stop a car chase that the police is more than able to handle pretty well all by their own, but she fails epically nonetheless.

Winn: “Your cape messed with your aerodynamics. I should have foreseen that.” (actual dialogue)

Kara: “What? How can that mess up my flying? I’m not a bird or a plane! I fly because I can and not because I have wings like this bare-chested, feathery-helmet-wearing guy with the morning star.”

Winn: “Who?”

Kara: “Birdman…I guess. And since when did you became an aviation engineer?”

Winn: “Wait…there is an armed robbery in progress! I hope you’re bulletproof – would hate to change your facebook status to deceased.”

Kara lifts off and stops two bank-robbers from robbing banks.

Winn: “Woah, they spilled their load onto your chest…err, I meant they were shooting at your front but your cape looks like swiss cheese and why look the bullet holes burned? Did they used lasers?”

Kara: “That is the past – embrace my new outfit!”

Winn: “Great, you put an “S” on your chest like in “Super”.”

Kara: “It’s not an “S”…it’s my family sign. I’m ready for more superheroing.”

Winn: “Good, there is a burning building. I hope you’re fireproof too…and your outfit made from earthly fabric.”

Kara speeds to the inferno to save trapped people when she got hit by two kryptonite darts. She immediately passes out and falls 500 feet to the concrete ground. She gets kidnapped and awakens some time later bound but not gagged. A generic government guy observes her.

Kara: “What? Where am I?”

Government Guy: “My name is Hank Henshaw. Don’t struggle – the kryptonite shackles weaken you.”

Kara: “Weaken? You Idiot, kryptonite radiation kills kryptonians! I could have died from the fall alone!”

Hank Henshaw: “Believe it or not, we’re the good guys Kara. Meet another good guy who told us everything about you and your weaknesses so we were able to capture you.”

Kara: “Alex? What the hell are you doing here?”

Alex: “I’m with this super-duper-secret-anti-alien department…but I’m no racist I swear!”

Kara: “But I thought you went to Switzerland?”

Alex: “Let’s presume it was part of my disguise despite the fact I was really sitting in a plane to Switzerland.”

Hank Henshaw: “We try to protect the Earth from alien invaders…like you. Your ship reminds us of the threat.”

Kara: “What? How did you come into possession of my ship? Did my cousin gave it to you? Or did he left it where it crashed?”

Alex: “Let’s assume it was under protection of the Danvers okay?”

Kara: “That are a lot of assumption, but that doesn’t explain why you shot me down like a quail! And since when you consider me a threat, why did you removed the kryptonite shackles? You know I could kill you all in less than a second?”

Alex: “You wouldn’t do that Kara, because you’re the protagonist. And a woman!”

Hank Henshaw: “We noticed we are not alone in the universe, so I quit my creationist club and became an alien hunter.”

Kara: “But my cousin was here two dozen years before me!”

Hank Henshaw: “Yes, but unlike him, you brought all the prisoners from Fort Ross with you!”

Kara: “??? Fort Ross? What the …?”

Hank Henshaw: “The Phantom Zone – Krypton’s Maximum Security Prison, where you were stuck.”

Kara: “What the actual fuck? How did you even know that since even I can’t remember where I was? And how did you know all about the Phantom Zone anyway? Did my cousin wrote a Guide to Safely Explore the Universe – Chapter 1: Krypton’s Dark Secrets?”

Hank Henshaw: “We know that your ship pulled Fort Ross out of the Phantom Zone and they crash landed here too. The worst criminals of the galaxy are now hiding on Earth – thanks to you.”

Kara: “Thanks for the guilt-trip. And I didn’t even know that Krypton was part of the Green Lantern Corps. Since when did Krypton arrest criminals from the whole galaxy anyway?”

Hank Henshaw: “That wasn’t in your cousin’s guide, but what we know is since this a tv show about a superhero, we somehow had to bring in the villain-of-the-week-cliche with superpowers.”

Kara: “So, all aliens have superpowers? It must suck being a human.”

Alex: “They are planning something, but we don’t know what. We actually can’t even know they are planning anything since we don’t have any intel at all.”

Kara: “Your plane. It wasn’t an accident! They tried to kill you!”

Alex: “Wow! Now that’s what I call far-fetched. Female Super-Intuition? So, I’m on their to-do-list now?”

Kara: “I will help you stop them, even though you treated me like shit just a few minutes ago and my adopted sister, the only person in the world I trusted most stabbed me in the back.”

Hank Henshaw: “Sorry, we don’t need the help of a flying It-Girl with a miniskirt. We are a secret ops department and now go make me a sandwich.”

Kara: “So, after the effort to capture me, giving me a guilt-trip and tons of exposition I’m free to go? You’re sure this is a top secret organisation?”

Alex: “Don’t be mad Kara. We are the good guys:”

Kara: “How did you become involved into this anyway? Was it because of me?”

Alex: “No, I was recruited because I’m an expert in alien physiology and biology.” (actual dialogue)

Kara: “What? How did you even become an expert in that field? Did you secretly collected hair from my brush? Taking monthly smear while I was asleep?”

Alex: “Actually, I did. Sounds gross but it was necessary.”

Kara leaves angry and nobody stops her.

Hank Henshaw: “She is dangerous.”

Alex: “Then it was a good idea to let her go right?”

Part 3 – Finally, some drama!

Kara returns to work as if nothing happened, in fact we don’t know how much time passed since she was kidnapped. She is very concerned that Cat Grant named the new superheroine after the new CBS show.

Kara: “Shouldn’t we call her Super-Woman?”

Cat Grant: “Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of my bitchyness.”

Kara: “But isn’t Supergirl anti-feminist?”

Cat Grant: “What’s wrong with being a girl? I’m a girl, and also rich, hot and smart.” (actual dialogue)

Kara: “Wow, that you can say that with a straight face is just….”

Cat Grant: “What?”

Kara: “Amazing! I wanted to say it is truly amazing.”

Cat Grant: “Just give me one reason not to fire you.”

James Olsen suddenly enters, interrupting the termination monologue and for some reason tries to save Kara’s ass despite the fact he wasn’t present to overhear the earlier conversation. What follows is the most embarrassing stumbling for words to excuse Kara and only a 4-year old comatose boy would fall for this contrived bullshit. But for some reason it worked because James Olsen made a crystal clear photo of Supergirl while she was trying to stop the bank robbers earlier – and she even has already her “S” on her costume wich is odd.

Kara: “I had the situation under control.”

James: Looked like you was about to lose your job. I just wanted to help your milky-white, creamy, vanilla ass girl.”

Kara: “I don’t need a man to help me out. I can handle things all by myself…except when I don’t.”

Kara can’t hear James respond because her super-listening power went overdrive.

Vartox: “If you can hear this then you have big ears and it’s astonishing it worked at all cause I’m no expert in alien biology. Painful, isn’t it? Now come to me or every human in town will have this pain too…despite that they can’t hear sounds of 50kHz.”

Kara: “Sorry James, I have a headache and need to go…again, in the middle of day.”

James: “Tssk, do you work here part-time?”

Kara runs to the roof, which is never locked and drops her clothes right there to fly to the first supervillain of her career. She flies to a random power plant or something but can’t see him with her x-ray vision because everything is covered with lead for some reason.

Kara: “Clever, I can’t see you but I can hear your heartbeat. Lucky there is no one here right now or I would be deaf by now.”

Kara gets attacked from behind – so much for her super hearing. Vartox jumped from one of the buildings she just passed in bright daylight so he must have super-chameleon powers or something. Oh wait, she took her glasses off….

Vartox: “Ha, I’m such a manly man. I attacked you from behind. Now kneel before Vartox wench!”

The world shakes violently from the massive amount of faceplams from the audience.

Kara: “You’re an escaped prisoner from Fort Ross.”

Vartox: “You look like your mother Alura. She condemned me to jail.”

Kara: “I don’t even look remotely like my mother, and since when was my mother a police officer? A judge? For an origin story this pilot does not contain any kind of origin at all.”

Vartox: “Enough with the chit-chat. May I axe you a question?”

What follows is a lame fight, poorly executed with a shitty choreography between a super-strong guy with an axe and a girl who can fly, is super strong, invincible, has heat vision, super speed, ice breath and so on. But to keep up the tension Kara forgets all of this and fights like a girl (clears throat).

Vartox: “Wearing that symbol on your chest doesn’t mean you are like him.”

Kara: “Enough already! This is a family sign and not a title, you Klingon wannabe. And stop making references to a far more popular superhero!”

Vartox: “Axecuse me wench. Have at thee!”

Vartox is about to axecute Supergirl when a cheap clipart CGI effect of an attack helicopter made him flee. Yes, an earthly vehicle with a human female roping down is too much for manly man of manliness. To be fair, two pairs of boobs are too much for any man to handle – alien or otherwise. The soldier is revealed as Alex because experts in alien biology are also combat soldiers in this universe. They bring Kara back to the black ops HQ to stitch her up and drop some more exposition.

Kara: “I never felt pain in my life before…wait? Not even on Krypton?”

Alex: “You’re not indestructible Kara. Otherwise you wouldn’t be able to wear earrings or having this crater-sized scar on your forehead aye?”

Hank Henshaw: “Look at this piece of metal from your wound. I don’t know what it is but it must be alien I’m sure.”

Kara: “Did you know about my mother Alex? She locked up all those aliens.”

Alex: “Sorry, why would I know that? Did your cousin wrote another guide? Kryptons Justice System – Part 1 – One Judge to judge them all?”

Kara: “Stop referring to him. I can’t cope with him so I’ll quit.”

Alex: “What? Some wife-beater bitch-slapped you and you give up just like that?”

Kara: “Yes, crime fighting was so much easier and exciting when there was no real threat or challenge.”

Alex: “Wow, this pilot has done for feminism, what “Birth of a Nation” did for equal rights.”

Kara went back to her apartment – instead to work – for some precious superhero moping. Her brooding is interrupted by her adopted sister, Alex.

Alex: “Knock, knock.”

Kara: “…”

Alex: “I know you can see me with your x-ray vision and I hope I don’t get cancer because you’re lazy.”

Kara: Still moping

Alex: “Look, I’m here to make the necessary motivational speech for the third act, so the last 30 minutes don’t turn out as waste of time for the audience.”

Kara: “I can’t be Supergirl cause I don’t know what to do.”

Alex: “Then you will be happy to see that, despite no knowledge about kryptonian technology, we nonetheless ripped your ship apart to peel this precious McGuffin out.”

Kara: “Oh? That’s the Expositionum from my mother.”

Kara and Alex watch a hologram of Kara’s mother which is totally unlike the one used in Man of Steel, because this time we see only the mother.

Alura’s Hologram: “Kara, you are probably grown up by now. Well, I hope it didn’t took a decade or more to finally play this record but I assume you did because what I have to say advances the plot and will empower you.”

Alex: “Amazing!”

Kara: “Right? I ever wanted to see my mother again.”

Alex: “No, I mean that she is speaking in english to you. Does everyone on Krypton speaks english?”

But the hologram continues because there is no pause-button and she delivers some corny dialogue before the recording ends. No word or sign from her father because the trashcan-sized recorder didn’t had enough space left?

Kara: “Mommy!”

Alex: “Don’t cry Kara. I bet you can replay that message. Wouldn’t it be awkward if it deleted, or even worse, self-destructed itself after playing?”

Kara: “Okay, I feel empowered. What do we do next?”

Alex: “We go to the man who shot you down and kidnapped you. He will tell you how to find the other man who walloped you into submission.”

Kara: “I suddenly fell much less empowered.”

Hank Henshaw: “I don’t trust aliens.”

Alex: “But I trust her and since you trust me it is inevitable to trust her as well. Trust me, you will.”

Female Officer: “Sir…Ma’am’s. We found Vartox.”

Hank Henshaw: “Please explain to me how you found him since I’m the chief in command here and should already know but the audience needs some mumbo-jumbo, tech-babble exposition.”

Female Officer: “Vartox is pure testosterone and we configured the olfactory scanners from our satellites and Reaper drones to detect manly manliness.”

Kara: “I need to stop him!”

Hank Henshaw: “Because the last time worked so well? Sorry babe, get us some coffee will’ya?”

Kara: “Listen, I’m empowered now and the only way to humiliate him is by being kicked by a girl!”

Hank Henshaw: “For reasons unknown, I switch my attitude and approve.”

Kara flies to Vartox’ position and stops him by making his truck explode with him inside because nothing says more like female empowerment like a good ol’ murder attempt. But since there are 6 more minutes left on this episode, Vartox survives this…and his Power Ranger Axe.

Vartox: “That truck was almost paid off!” You will pay for that!”

Vartox wants to be the Axecutioner of Supergirl but Kara is empowered now and learned how to fight…somehow.

Hank Henshaw: “She isn’t strong enough.”

Alex: “Why? Because she is just a girl? We were counting on that.” (actual dialogue)

Hank Henshaw: “Excuse me? Do you think he will shy off because men feel uncomfortable among women? This isn’t some nerdy fanboy from a comic convention! That’s a serial killer from space!”

Alex: “Oh. Well I’ve analysed the axe despite I had no access to it. My female intuition told me it has a weakness – Kara’s Heat Vision!”

Kara again uses only her super strength to fight Vartox which went poorly but it was a rouse to lure him into safety. Once he pounded her into the ground she begs for mercy but Klingons don’t show mercy and Vartox is about to axecute her. Kara catches his axe inches before her face and uses what looks like a cheap plasma cutter effect from her eyes on the axe while Vartox does nothing but stare like Darth Maul short before his Darwin Award nominee.

Kara: “It’s not working!”

Vartox: “What’s not working?”

Kara: “Not you, you idiot! I’m talking to my sister. Our mega-fight somehow didn’t destroyed this earthly device to communicate..oh, and she analysed your axe despite the fact she is just an expert in alien biology but that doesn’t stop people in this kind of shows to have all kind of expertise aye?”

Alex: “Listen Kara. This has nothing to do with skill or even science. All you have to do is believe in yourself! We didn’t went to the moon because of hard research, training and innovation. It happened because we can!”

Kara exert herself and in a weird caricature of a fart joke, Vartox’ axe explodes in his face.

Kara: “It’s over. The Klingon Empire will never rule over Earth!”

But the steep Klingon warrior Vartox commits seppuku because he was beaten by a girl. Kara could have stopped him with super-speed but it’s okay because he slapped a girl and deserved to die. This way, she has at least no blood on her hands. Everyone in the black ops HQ celebrates…for some reason.

Alex: “She followed your orders.” (actual dialogue)

Hank Henshaw: “What orders? You were talking to her all the time. I just wanted some hot coffee.”

Alex: “I’m only here because of my sister isn’t it?”

Hank Henshaw: “Yes, your parents obviously told us everything about her, so her cousin would be really pissed to trust them in the first place. But you earned your place because of your higher billing…I guess.”

Kara went back to work and despite her constant absence she isn’t fired yet, so her boss must have a soft spot for her. Winn Schott appears to remind the audience of his existence and delivers another chupacabra story with wrestling gorgons or something? She bumps into James Olsen who wears nothing but a smile and he blows her secret in the middle of the office before he left for the roof with a wink.

Kara: “What were you thinking? And did you know all the time?”

James: “It was a favour for your cousin – to hang out here close to you, because dating hotlines are for pussies…and I obviously have nothing better to do.”

Kara: “This doesn’t make any sense at all! Why didn’t he told me?”

James: “Let it go Kara. CBS can’t afford the rights to Sup…err I meant your cousin. The perfect opportunity to start your own franchise right?”

Kara opens a box, gifted by her cousin who used a black guy as delivery boy and despite having x-ray vision she looks surprised after looking into it.

James: “It’s from him.”

Kara: “Thanks Captain Obvious. It’s the diaper from my cousin.”

She rubs it all over her face and inhales the odour.

Kara: “I will use it as my new cape because when it can withstand baby Kal-El’s dump, it can withstand everything.”

James: “Yes, wear that baby blanket/diaper from your cousin with pride Kara. Now do some superheroing.”

Supergirl leaves her job again in the middle of the day to patrol the skyline of Los Ang…errr National City while the camera pans over Winn Schott waving to her from the roof. For some reason he knew she was there and left his job as well for the opportunity to look like 30-year old drooling fanboy.

Epilogue:

Two human looking aliens mourn over the loss of Vartox. One alien is revealed as Alura…or someone who looks like her? Her twin sister? A shapeshifter? Bad editing?

(I know this being old but the site (wordpress) I used to originally post this parodic review emailed me about the way I presented the content and they might want to remove it. Anyway, the rest is following soon.)