Mental Instability

Hey guys. So, as a lot of you guys know, I have recently decided to quit/take an extended break from YouTube; one of the reasons  that I gave for this is the fact that I am extremly emotionally unstable - which I don't think anyone can really deny or say isn't an accurate statement, considering how emotional I get online. I always talk openly about my mental health issues with my subscibers and YouTuber friends because, to me, I don't really have anything to hide in regards to my problems. The things that have happened to me in the past are fucked up and I can't deny that I feel as though I'm too open about it sometimes; however, the main reason for this is that it allows me to joke about my experiences as a coping mechanism, guilt-free. I never have to feel guilty for making rape jokes or abuse jokes because it's how I cope with the fact that it happened to me.  It's either that or I mope around and feel sorry for myself constantly, which would be way too depressing for me to do.

Now, this has always been an acceptable way for me to push things down and keep them under wraps when in public; I think about my experiences a lot and getting upset over it, where other people can see me isn't something that I want to go through. Before my abuse, I cried very often. I was a big cry baby who bawled her eyes out at supid, insignificant things, like when I dropped water on a  drawing I'd been working on for hours, for example; however, after the abuse occured, surprisingly, I began to not cry very often, unless having a panic attack or dealing with the trauma coming to the front of my mind. Not a lot actually makes me cry, except when I think about what happened to me for too long, and this is what I want to really talk about in this post.

My trauma has been the core reason for the majority of my mental health issues and it's been affecting me more frequently recently. My decision to leave YouTube was even debated as a result of my annoying habit of caring too much about what other people think, as a result of the self esteem issues that I have.  Because of this, I tend not to cry often, but I make very emotion-filled decisions, while not really thinking of the consequences or how miserable I or anyone else around me would become as a result. This is why I deleted the majority of my videos - because of a stupid, emotional, snap decision. Although, this isn't the worst aspect of my mental health issues. 

Whether you want to beleive what I described in my Abuse Story video or not, the effects of what happened to me are pretty evident, but the one side effects of my trauma that I never seem to talk about, mainly out of fear and shame of it, is the vocie in my head. My ex's voice is in my head. All the time. Telling me things. Very occationally whispering, but mainly yelling at me, much like he used to do in real life. He tells me that I'm stupid. That I'm fat and disgusting. That no one will ever love me because I'm unlovable. That I don't have what it takes to do the things I desire. That I'm just here, on Earth to be used by others. And scarily enough, I beleive him every time. 

I don't mention this often to people because I feel like I'm crazy. In fact, it's not really a feeling, it's a fact. Normal people don't have voices in their head. And he won't shut up. I have to yell back at him and hold my head tightlt sometimes, just to get him to stop. I sometimes catch myself whispering to myself, telling him to stop. People around me don't seem to have noticed too much, so when I told my sister-in-law the other day, she became very inraged, not at me, but him for doing this to me. 

Sometimes, when I make videos, he's there. Telling me that I'm not good at what I do and making me want to stop. Which is why the drama that occured before I quit upset me so much and made me want to quit. I was already dealing with my inner demons, so someone else giving me hell just made me snap. I'm tired of it. I don't know what to do about it. 

In a way, I want people to know about this so that they can understand how abuse can affect people. My PTSD is not something that I can ignore - it's making my life hard to live. Sometimes, I just want to end it all. I think "Maybe dying will make him shut up", but the one thing that always stops me is the thought of my family and friends finding me and being devistated. Not only do I have issues with intimacy, self esteem issues that are so bad that when I do, eventually, become close enough with someone to become intimate, I panic and freeze up when I strip down because I don't want them seeing my body, but I have a constant, vivid, angry voice that wants to me fail at every turn.  

Last night, the support that I recieved brought me to tears and I do honestly love every one of you for trying to get me to stay on YouTube. I never thought that I had so many people who appreciated me as a content creator and who loved me enough to want to help me in my time of need. I honestly cannot thank you all enough for showing me that. However, I need this time off. I need to get myself together and actually do something actively to stop this breakdown that I seem to be having recently.

My mental issues have never been this much of a hinderance to me before. They've always been a major problem, but I guess I just got used to it. I thought that I would just have to live with it forever, but now, I need it to stop. I need to feel like myself again. I need to get back to being happy-go-lucky and genuinely happy. I haven't been happy in a long time and I hate it.

I'm sorry for this ramble, but I needed to write this down somewhere. If you've read all of this, thank you.  

Peace out, guys.