There is no strength in silence, its time for a conversation (Part 1)

Its time someone inject some brute honesty into this conversation about women not coming forward about a rape/sexual assault, right after it happens. There is all this “cushion talk” that tells us, women need time, they need to adjust, they need to find their strength to report their attacker and they need the world to believe them. This isn’t a blog bashing women who wait, on the contrary; this is a public service announcement that you do not have to stay silent for 10 years, 25 years or even 35 years before coming forward. Reporting your attack as soon as possible not only preserves evidence but it as well, will help weed out those who are manipulating the system for revenge or attention in falsely claiming rape.

I do not believe that in the year 2018, women can be silenced about their rapes. There is a new culture that outwardly accepts and will support valid rape allegations. The world is in tune with why victims stay silent and have created a world where there should be no shame about an attack. We have women shouting their nightmare stories in hallways or with bullhorns in the street and many women have used the #metoo movement to tell their stories. There is still the “old school” way of communicating your attack by contacting a rape crisis hot-line. In the wake of the Kavanaugh hearings, its safe to say, there is no shortage of supply in the believe, in the believe all women movement. Not that I agree with the last one, as it can encourage false allegations. But the climate is supposed to be for the survivor to be able to come forward into a community of people who will give them that needed support. Its more important than ever to recognize this and no longer keep these violent acts silent. No matter who it was or the details involved, no woman should stay silent. Of course, there are still those who will suppress their experience as opposed to confronting it. The focus needs to be prevention.

Before we can talk about rape, we need to distinguish it from child molestation. Although, molestation is rape, its a different kind of attack. Its not your friend who got you drunk, its not a stranger in an ally, its not some guy from the bar. When a child is raped, it doesn’t just happen. There is a process. There is a trust built, then boundaries pushed, then the threats start, and soon, these predators have a child under their complete control. When children are groomed and raped, I can totally understand why these kids do not come forward right away. They are essentially brain washed into believing its their fault, and no one will believe them. There is also the threat of hurting the child’s loved ones if they speak. Sadly, the predator is usually a family friend or relative. In cases where the attack is out of the blue, the pattern is usually by opportunity. Other times the victim is picked long before the crime occurs. Some predators stalk a child like prey, sizing up the right moment to pounce. Unfortunately, in these cases, the child is usually killed after, to hide the crime.

The reason I want to make this distinction, is because on one hand, the victim is groomed, manipulated over time. Which is the exact reason kids don’t come forward but as adults do. When I hear a woman say, “I believe her because I was raped as a child and I didn’t come forward right away either.” Its really not the same thing. Sure, there is sizing up a victim and surface grooming, like making a woman feel comfortable enough to be intoxicated in his presence or something just as sinister as spiking a drink. The truth of the matter is most of these men in this situation are looking for easy targets for instant gratification, not waiting eight weeks to make his victim feel trapped for a series of rapes over years and years. Yet, the solution to combating molestation and rape is exactly the same.

Now that I have laid out these differences, its time to talk about personal responsibility and prevention. When we are still raising little adults, it is our personal responsibility to protect them and arm them with knowledge so that they can protect themselves when we aren’t around. I have stated in a video blog my take on sex education in the classroom. This fits well within this subject as it is a direct connection to preparing our children for the world. If parents are not arming their children with important facts about their body and sex, the school must step in and provide these important tools for them to protect themselves. Creating a dialog young, helps with confidence and builds a trust with parents/school faculty that allows for openness, even with something that is generally a taboo or uncomfortable subject matter. There is no reason anything should be too uncomfortable to bring to parents. If we encourage open dialog with all life matters, including sex, the more natural it is to openly discuss any issue. All children should know their body parts, the proper names, even for private areas and learn appropriate information as they grow. If we continue to educate, openly discuss sex and prepare boys and girls alike for not only the good the world offers but the bad as well, they are prepared for all of it. Not just the parts you want to highlight. If we teach these things and reinforce making good choices, it will be harder to be victimized but in the event no matter what you have done to prevent an attack it happens, there is already an established comfort-ability in speaking about these things.

Children of parents who recognize this and speak to their children are less likely to be a victim. If they do fall victim to an attack, they are more likely to come forward sooner, rather than later. If we pay attention to behavior changes and always know who our children are with and not blindly trust people with our youth, this is key to prevention. We have no problem implementing rules for our children's own good. We don’t tell them how the world should be or encourage unfair attitudes towards making choices based on the facts. The fact that not every person is a good person or has good intentions. Most parents naturally don’t make it a point to let children under a certain age play alone, or even with other kids outside unattended. We certainly don’t allow our kids to wonder off in stores, Adam Walsh’s kidnapping and murder awoke parents to the new world we live in. We can’t leave doors unlocked or windows open, especially if we have children. We make these efforts to protect them. As our children grow, we need to keep this mentality, of not necessarily constantly looking over ones shoulder but being more aware of surroundings and what people are capable of. It’s what helps keep us alive. With all the distractions of technology, our inner voice, our intuition is muffled, if not completely silenced. This in and of itself makes women more vulnerable. The idea of making ourselves more aware is not letting men have control. Which I think is where some people get confused.

Our girls need to grow into women who have self awareness, self esteem and confidence in their decision making. Instead of looking at it like “I have to do this because some man might rape me.” The outlook should be, “I have to do this because I am my best defender. I know my life, where I want to go, who I want to be. To maintain a good life and have good things happen, I make these decisions.” I would never say a woman cannot go to the bar in her best slut gear because a man will try to assault her. What I will say, is a woman who is going to the club in her best slut wear, should be self aware and know her limit on alcohol. I won’t say a woman can’t jog in her neighborhood at night. What I would say, is a woman who jogs should not take the same route everyday and running with a friend is more fun. Children are not the only people who should have a buddy system. Its just common sense. Watch any episode of I shouldn’t be alive, who was alone. Anything can happen to us while alone, tripping and falling off a ledge isn’t rape. Yet, people who hike alone, ride bikes alone or even jog alone can potentially be their own worse enemy. By being alone, your risk of immediate relief or help decreases by a lot. If you need that alone time, be sure where you are going has a cell signal. Be sure to tell someone where you are going and how long to wait before growing concerned. Not every choice we make is to avoid a rape. Its just a smart choice based on the circumstances. No one should leave their drink unattended. This is another way people have been robbed, not necessarily raped. Men and women alike should not be laying their drink around. Teaching self awareness and consequences are life lessons we all need. Not looking at it from the perspective men are controlling the narrative because they have uncontrollable penis’. It just happens that these attention to details will also help prevent a rape or sexual assault.

Sometimes, no matter what we think we have done to prevent bad things from happening, they happen anyway. I keep hearing people say, “God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle.” God won’t put you to it and not see you through it.” or “God is testing” Where is this mentality when it comes to rape? God cannot see you through an event you suppress, won’t talk to anyone about or find resolution. Making the call is the first step in allowing your faith and God get you through a terrible ordeal. Staying silent doesn’t make you stronger. Staying silent ensures the attacker his freedom and strengthens him. Faith shouldn’t be lost when violated but should be the foundation for moving forward and gaining back control.

We need to teach this to our girls. We need to teach this to women that there is more power in speaking than staying silent. When a man attacks and violates or does not listen and ignores your no, ignores your cries, that is not your fault. If you aren't in a position to defend yourself or take control of the situation, if you are over powered, that is not for you to feel shame over. If you are confused about your attack and are unsure if you have been raped, call a rape hot line and speak to someone who can help you. Some may be wondering how does a woman not know she has been raped? Well, Some teen-aged girls are confused on consent or if after a certain point of “fooling around” a no is no longer valid. In cases where women have been drugged, their memory is hazy at best. Physical signs may point to a sexual encounter, not memory. Which is why knowing your surroundings, keeping your drink in hand and knowing your limit is important. Some people are just very slick and good at what they do. Some rapist need but a millisecond and your drink is spiked, your caught off guard or in a compromising position, like being alone. Creeps know where their chances are best. They are in the clubs, waiting to find the perfect drunk chick, barely able to stand. They look for the ones making it so easy by leaving their drink exposed. The blurred lines of consent can be tricky when alcohol and drugs are involved. They lurk behind bushes waiting for an unsuspecting jogger to run by. They look for the open window. Level the playing field by knowing and accepting the potential risks in the choices you make. You may have a right to get black out drunk but its best to have that sober friend, that ride or die, who takes the responsibility from you, and you know can defend you and have your back. Make it harder to near impossible for these creeps to thrive in these environments. Sleep with your window open but have an alarm system, get a dog.

To young women on college campuses, who scream they are living in a rape culture, answer me this. If rape culture is a place where rape is ignored or accepted as the norm, and you consider your campus a place that accepts rape, why do you still subject yourself to the very environment that has all the ingredients for a disaster? Girls just wanna have fun, girls should be able to do what they want without fear. Yeah, sure, ok, in a perfect world, yes. But in the real world if you go to a frat party or even a local bar, there is still a responsibility to care for yourself. Don’t drink til you are so hammered you don’t know your name. Understand you are putting yourself in a position to be around drunk young men who have only one of two things on their mind, scoring and drinking. Loud music, usually club type music that is intended to make one feel sexual and free fills the air, sending these subliminal messages. Yes, you have a right to twerk in your lil booty shorts, but know your audience. Know that its not sober guy who understands your drunk and just enjoying music. Its people equally as hammered and not in control of themselves either. A perfect recipe for a disaster. Men of course, need to know this too. The environment created at these parties and in the club can have bad consequences if both people are not on the same page. Drunk perception of reality is not reality but what you do stays with you once the night is over.

No one asks to be raped, just like no one asks to get cancer, or asks to be paralyzed by a drunk driver. No one is out there asking to have bad things happen but when they do, we have to be strong and take on the challenge God/the Universe has given. Staying silent breeds a rape culture. Staying silent ensures nothing happens. This idea that women need all the time in the world to come out and can wreck the life of the person who allegedly attacked them years later when they see them on TV, doesn’t preserve evidence, doesn’t get an accurate account of events and potential witnesses can move, not remember key details, or die. The biggest issue women bring to the table on why they stayed silent is no one would believe them. Whats believable about waiting 20 years and having nothing to back the story? In todays society, I do not expect to see women coming out 30 years from now with a story of rape. Yes, in the past there were conditions that caused women to feel they couldn't come forward. We are not in that world anymore. Not in America anyway. It all starts at home though. We need to be instilling these facts in the minds of our youth so that they can grow to be better than the environment that created silence.

If you have been assaulted or raped, it is your duty and it is important to report your attack as soon as possible. Please do not live in silence, if that is not a choice you can live with for the rest of your life. Do not let anyone else convince you to just forget about it if you know in your heart you cannot. You have a right to be heard and to have justice if that is what you need. The only way this can happen is to come forward. I have been attacked and I have been raped. However, the conditions to which these things happened, I chose to handle it a certain way. I did not go to police, I accepted it for what it was at the time. I understand it was based on the environment then but I handled it the best way I knew how and in a way I know I can live with. I chose not to come forward then and I certainly wouldn’t now, under any circumstance. However, if what happened to me then, happened today, I would not stay silent. We all have to be able to live with our choices. Choosing to stay silent is still a choice. Commit to what you can live with.Its really not fair to anyone to wait and then decide so may years later you feel differently. Most women want justice but think its not within reach. Well, you won’t know, til you tell someone.