Child support and welfare: We need change

There is a new kind of conversation in the air. Its been fighting its way to the surface for a long time. Now, its one of the top debates in this country. Should any parent no longer in the home, be forced to pay child support and how much is fair. The meme pictured is a great example of the kind of parent who needs told what to do by the courts, The key word here is "absent." Parents splitting up doesn’t make the parent who leaves absent. Any parent who leaves or is asked to leave, still has children to raise and love. When parents split up, they are no longer connected to each other but both are still connected to the children. No one is breaking up with children, but sadly, in most cases, not all but most, one parent is deliberately keeping the other parent from the children for petty reasons. Women especially, need to stop controlling their ex boyfriends and husbands through their children. Its a shame how many women see a paycheck and not a child. Yes, I said it, its not the man you see as a check, its your child. When you choose to change your number, block all communications, hide, be a baby momma drama queen til you get that child support, you are not fit for the title of "parent."

If a father/mother stays involved, still wants the same amount of time with the children, shows up to functions, calls every night, acknowledges holidays, wants to be a good and positive influence, that is called being present and being a parent. When you deny a parent that right for no reason and by no reason, I mean, you have no valid court order based on evidence and facts that they are not good for the child(ren). When you deny based on getting that money or just being vile because you are butt-hurt, you are not a parent and you are denying what seems to be the only parent that actually gives a crap about their children.

The welfare state has some of you women wanting your children's fathers to be silent donors, instead of active and involved parents. Being single and I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T doesn't sell so well if you have a father that gives a shit about his children and is the whole reason your nails are done this week. I have seen many “mothers” who have demanded child support from a father and that father only get 4 days out of the entire month with their children. Why is this do you think? I personally, feel it has everything to do with fearing each day the child is gone, she won’t get paid. Now do you see, that even though the money comes from the other parent, it is actually the child who is seen as the payday. Its gross and should not be allowed.

I know many capable fathers shut out because the mother wants her new man to play daddy. They play silly little kid games or chase off the father completely. Most young couples can’t afford to hire lawyers and go to court. My late husband spent thousands of dollars over the course of two years to a lawyer for his case and still hadn’t seen inside of a courtroom, before the fees bled us dry. Most women get their child support through getting on welfare and then the State goes after the father . He is them orfered to pay back the government for paying for his responsibilities, while he was “absent.” Yet, most of these fathers aren’t absent. These so called moms, get on the welfare claiming the daddy is not in the picture physically or financially. The case worker does no check on these claims. They are taken as the gospel truth. Most of these women know their baby’s father is right around the corner and just a phone call away. Instead of allowing dad to be there, she would rather the money and food stamps over an active parent. Courts don’t see this. All they see is a man with years of child support due to the State. Yet, never once are the words of the woman investigated before the check is mailed.

Why are women allowed to go into a government building armed with a child and lies in order to get paid? Thankfully, the government is catching up to the scam but not fast enough. Right now, in order to receive food assistance, at least here in Hawaii, recipients of food stamps have only 3 months of benefits. At that point we are cut off from the program or have to have a job, be in school or participate in the First to Work program. Working in Hawaii isn’t a guarantee you won’t need assistance. Hawaii is one of the most expensive states to live. Most people who receive benefits do so even after full time employment because of the extremely high cost of living. Women with children who have given the government the name of the father can collect cash benefits. The only other way is for those mentally or physically disabled get cash benefits. I know someone who is living with his girlfriend and baby. Because he is in the house, they do not qualify for any cash benefits. Yet, a woman I know, was able to receive cash benefits for her daughter because the father was simply not in the home. She wasn’t one of those moms, not every mother on State assistance lies to qualify for benefits. There are plenty of good women who just chose the wrong one completely and had no choice in the matter. When a man is being a true deadbeat, yes, a mother should take her case to court. Child support is not a law, therefore, if two people can handle their situation like adults and do their part without fighting, drama and games, that option should always be the first one to try. These women taking their claims to the government with no regard to the father at all, is shameful, sad and pathetic.

The single motherhood rate in the black population grew from just 20% before the Civil Rights movement to almost 70% today. Why is that? For the exact reasons I just mentioned. The government is who tells these women drop the dad and get a check. Seems they knew what they were doing. Any woman can walk into a government building and get on all kinds of State assistance with no regard to the father at all. As long as she is single with children under 18 and willing to give the fathers name, shes paid. This has stripped these women and children of the father, the man of the house. According to https://datacenter.kidscount.org/data/tables/107-children-in-single-parent-families-by#detailed/1/any/false/870,573,869,36,868,867,133,38,35,18/10,11,9,12,1,185,13/432,431 the breakdown for single parent homes based on race in 2016 is the following: American Indian, 52% of births were to single family homes. Asian/pacific Islander was 16%, which by the way is the lowest out of all races. Black Americans was 66%, Hispanic/Latino 42%, non Hispanic/white 24%, two or more races 42% of children born and raised in single family homes. The total amount of children born into these conditions in the US is 35% as of 2016.

Before the civil rights movement, black families had almost the lowest single mother rate. Black families were strong, with a mother who appreciated and loved the father for all he provided. A strong belief in God and hard work was never to be argued. Black families especially were successful and provided for themselves, by working together. Why the emphasis on the black family? Because the numbers have jumped so significantly in this community. The numbers are hard to ignore or dispute. Besides the numbers are going up in all races, yet among American Indians, mixed races and blacks the numbers are double. These percentages have been steady since at least 2007. They go down and up by a percentage or two, but these numbers are steady, they are not going down.

The idea may have started to trap certain people in certain communities or by color, but we have people of all races, getting on assistance by running to the State for money. Its such a crappy system, designed only in the “mothers” interests. Its not even about the child anymore. If it was really about the child and about helping families, why is it so easy to dismiss a man, a father, completely once shes on State assistance? There is nothing in place when getting assistance that in anyway promotes or encourages open dialog between the two parents. This has got to change!

I personally feel if a woman or man need to go to the State for assistance, it should go as follows.

Parent: I need assistance.

Worker: Fill these forms out. Make sure to hand over all requested documents.

Parent: is that all I have to do?

Worker: No ma’am, this is a process in which we must investigate your claims and reach out to the non custodial parent.

Parent: what does that mean? I need money now, my baby mom/dad isn’t helping me and I need milk and diapers!

Worker: The system is set up to help me determine what you are eligible for. If you qualify, you have 3 months of assistance while we investigate your claims. If, it is determined the information you gave is inaccurate, or completely false, you will have two choices. You can pay back the money already received and reapply with accurate information or you can choose not to pay back the money and be ineligible for state assistance for three years.

Mom: and if what I said is found to be true, then what?

Worker: If your babies father is not helping you, we first need to determine why he isn’t helping. Is he as well out of work? Is he disputing the paternity of the child? Can he not get along with the mother? We reach out to the parent to see what we as a team can do to help everyone. We have mediators that help families come up with their own plan on what each can do to contribute to the childs well being. Once we have reached an agreement on the terms of child care, support, custody and visitation, they will be taken to a judge and made an order of the court.

Parent: what happens if the mom/dad do not commit to the agreement? What if they don’t pay, then what happens to me and my child?

Worker: We work with you and the non custodial parent to help maintain the agreement. Programs that allow for custodial parent to go to school or work are always available. If the parent is down on his luck with work, we help train and find work for them as well. The second anyone breaks the court order, you must then answer to the Judge. But we do all we can to work with parents to achieve the goal or sticking to the court order.

Right now, a custodial parent can get money and food stamps from the system but not an actual plan of action to move forward, as co parents. The system is barely catching up to the fact, career welfare recipients have no skills once the child becomes an adult. Leaving the parent once again, to count on the government for survival. Now, if you are able bodied and of clear mental status, you must be in school or have a part time job to stay on the programs. This is a good thing. Yet, it still doesn’t address the fact, some of these moms are malicious and manipulators of the system, while at the same time screwing over their ex.

When parents can actually afford an attorney, the Courts must weigh all the facts from both sides, so why isn’t the same requirement expected of those who go to the State for help? It’s a system that needs a major change in order to stop this domino effect of single parent life. Some of the women in this country actually plan to get pregnant, then leave the father to get on assistance. The system has been in play so long, career welfare recipients teach their children this method, as well. I knew of several women, who were on section 8, that was then passed to their children. Kids are seeing their parent have all the control and no partner in sight. Now their kids have kids and their child’s fathers are pushed out of the picture. I end up going back and specifically calling out women, because they are the majority. They are the ones who scheme and plot more often than men.

Women complain they are not equal, when that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Remember, most women on welfare with a child in the home still have little expectation. They can walk into a court room, have no job, no place of their own and demand that they have full custody, demand child support, offer up a few days out of the week to the father and win. They get to retain full custody without providing any basic needs but demand all these things of the father. I'm sorry but if your baby's father has his own place, has a job, has a car, can maintain the child's expenses even without help from the mother, why is the mother leaving the court with custody over the father? Why should the father be forced to provide these things to the mother? She had her chance to have a fully involved parent that provides for the family. Now that the relationship is over, the only obligation is to care for the child. If the dad wants custody and can provide for his child, the courts should grant custody to the father. This will help free up a lot of things for the mother to get her self on track. If the mom doesn’t take care of her children or help provide for her kids as expected, the father would have every right to ask the State to step in or take the mother to family court. I think all scenarios should start with joint custody and then move from there depending on the circumstances.No child support ordered to any parent. Both have equal responsibilities to maintain.

Again, unless there is proof and a court order to back up the claims, both parents should have equal opportunity to raise and provide for their children. Despite how the parents may feel about one another. This is about your child, not your feelings. The facts should trump all emotion. And if the fact is, you have a parent that wants to be involved and co parent after the relationship has ended, that is exactly what needs to be done for the best interests of the child. Not all cases are the same and there are cruel and useless people who are sperm/egg donors that have to be handled in a certain way. However, there is no excuse for keeping a parent away who wants to have an active roll in their child’s life.

Its my personal opinion that if the welfare system catered to both parents, instead of the one with the child, it would help mend more families. We need to stop encouraging career welfare recipients. So many kids don’t even know what its like to have two parents that care, that are still together, or know of the disadvantage already working against them, not having that other influence in their lives. We do need to focus on the minds of the young people. They have no idea what having two parents mean and grow up believing they too, don’t need anyone. Look where we are today. We have a lot of unruly juveniles joining gangs, disrespecting authority/women, know little to nothing about hard work, discipline, loyalty or sacrifice. Sticking through things thick or thin isn’t what a lot of peoples experience is, therefore, they do not know how to weather the storm with their partner either. Its a vicious cycle. For what, so the government can be your husband?

Lets get back to actually acting like adults here. Yes, certain people need the courts to help hash out their differences. But I think most can easily rectify their situation with a mediator. Just like in family court, the welfare office should absolutely do what they can to encourage communication and compromise. No tacking on a child support order before the non custodial parent has had a chance to be heard.

This one sided system of government needs to change. We should be helping families that struggle, not forcing people or creating an environment where people are encouraged to do it all alone in order to get that help. We really do need to amp up the sex education classes, the importance of a mother and father in the home; the financial backlash of welfare and the unfairness to men in the courts needs exposed. Life is messy and sometimes takes a whole lot to clean it up and make it right again. Learning these lessons and being prepared and cautious in ones choices, really is key to prevention.

If more people thought past their sexual desires and paid attention to those they surround themselves with, what kind of future they want and the kind of person they want as a partner and a parent, they would find themselves making better choices. But right now too many kids have this vision of the world that only includes one parent and that needs some attention. All these extra lifestyles have people confused and not knowing what they want from a relationship. All these genders and pronouns and confusion is another way to keep families apart. Feminist have trampled on men and think life would run better without them. You cannot even assume to know what sex someone is these days. If you guess and you are wrong, somehow you have been labeled a transphob and intolerant. Blurrying these lines further confuses and divides. Remember, that is how those in power control us is through division. The division of homes in 35% of Americans is sad. That is 15% from 50%. Almost half of the babies born in the US are to single mothers. This has to end. Im sorry but one of the ways America used to be great was we had moral and set standards of living. It was frowned upon to have sex before marriage. It was frowned upon to have a baby out of wedlock. Not everyone believes this but look at all the complications of two people sharing a bed, making a baby and not being committed. Or not fully knowing the person you just made a child with. We all need to make responsible and good choices. Otherwise, you could end up like so many fathers I know, with limited access to their kids while paying a full-time price as the mom caters to her new man.

Its time to wake up and stop letting women manipulate the system, while simultaneously screwing over the father with vindictiveness. Its a game to some of these women and makes us real women and good mothers look bad. These types of people are soulless in my book.