No, Thanos is not a good villain (A rant on cinematic universes)

As spring approaches Marvel is gearing up for its biggest cinematic cumshot yet. Yes, the not-so-final-'cause-we-haven't-milked-this-cow-dry-just-yet-boi chapter in the Marvel Cinematic Universe featuring its greatest villain - Thanos. A sympathetic, charismatic villain who....who....OK, let's face it...he is retarded. Yes, we all know it but I need to get this off my chest.

I mean where do I start? First is the fact that he was promised to us by Marvel for years:  "Oh, you haven't seen anything yet, wait 'till Thanos gets here!", which there was no way the character could deliver on so much hype and it immediately undermined all other villains. And for what...a big, strong purple dude who is very, very serious and very, very sad. A charismatic villain he is not. "But wait!" - I hear the fanboys crying out - "he's the best Marvel villain to date!". Which...yeah I guess, but y'know...in the kingdom of the blind...(nobody can call you a racist, probably but I digress).

Actually , let me go  off on a tangent here, let's examine the Avenger villains so far, as they are supposed to be the actual threat and the other villains are just means to an end(more on that later).

We have....LOKI, SON OF ODEN, GOD OF LIES AND DECEIT AND.....and I mean who could ever take this guy seriously, much less like a legitimate threat to Earth? Remember the game "Rune"? You played as a viking and chopped your way to Hel, I think, I can't remember and I'm  too lazy to look it up, but what I do remember is meeting Loki - a half-man half-snake evil-looking motherfucker, who was chained to a rock for all eternity, had his chest split open and there was acid dripping into the open wound.  And here we have someone who looks like the gay love child of....of someone really gay(notthatthere'sanythingwrongwiththat™), whose plan is what exactly? I will go to someone more powerful,(which as I mentioned immediately discredits you as a viable threat) ask him for an army 'cause I can't do anything on my own and all because I have daddy issues. But I get it, the audience is more interested in seeing all the heroes on the screen at the same time, something that has never been done before, so it doesn't really matter who they fight. Which is a lousy excuse but as long as they get it right for the next mov-...

Ultron. Now this one hurt. Not only did they waste the talents of James Spader, whose voice massages my eardrums in just the right way, on such a lame villain but they also wasted potential. Ultron could have been an actual, credible threat, especially to Iron Man,  for the obvious reasons(relying on technology and such) and because let's face it - you don't care about the other characters, I mean you do but you reeeealy don't.  So what does this incredibly powerful and smart AI do? I'm going to drop a rock and kill everybody 'cause (orange) man = bad, hurr-durr. Huh...well....as long as they make him menacing and memorab- the only thing I remember about Ultron is that he's quippy and makes sarcastic remarks. Oh joy, Lord knows we don't have enough joss whedon-y dialogue in these fucking movies.

But it's OK, it's OK because Mr. Potato Head is here and he is intimidating and his plan is awesome and....and oh my fucking god how retarded is he?! Really?! Really. Thanos is literally Stalin: "When there's a person, there's a problem. When there's no person, there's no problem." Yes, he is a villain, that doesn't mean he has to be an idiot, moreover you are trying to make him a sympathetic villain, but I got to tell ya...it ain't working. Then there is the excuse that he is actually mad...OK....but that doesn't excuse him from being an idiot. A bad guy can be isnane, but still stop and think: "Wow, my plan is really terrible!"

So let's get the obvious thing out of the way: why doesn't he just create more resources! Ah, and I hear the fanboys crying out again: "But the writers explained in an interview that is nigh impossible to create something and in Avengers issue #272..." Listen here dipshits, if I have to read a pamphlet or go online to find answers to basic questions, then the movie has failed an a fundamental basis. But fine, let's assume he cannot create more resources, how is wiping half the population the answer when you don't take away the means by which populations grow at a faster rate. What do I mean by this? Let's say you broke your leg in 532(the year of the Nika riots in Constantinople, the more you know...) there is a chance they will not fix the bone properly, your leg is fucked and so on and so forth. If you broke your leg tomorrow, you are getting a cast and they send you home with a slap on the ass before you can say "Ow". See my point? Thanos is not taking away technology so the populations of planets will still grow at a fast rate. Also, don't they just confirm there are parallel dimensions? So.....figure something out dumbass....

Also, doesn't Thanos's home world look really advanced, like the home to a spacefaring species? Might want to tone down the technological look there guys, otherwise it will look like a race that can colonize other worlds has a resource problem.

Alas, he implements is plan, because apparently nobody told Thor he can cut people's heads and hands off and oh no, it is all so sad. Half the characters die and they are never coming back and...*sigh*

I have a really big problem with every franchise trying to be a shared universe instead of a franchise. Because there is a difference. When you are building a franchise you focus on making  good movies, so they can be synonymous with good guaranteed quality. When building a shared universe on the other hand, you are more focused on connecting everything together. You are focused on creating a cohesive whole and the individual movies suffer. Remember how I said that the villains in the solo movies don't matter? That is 'cause they don't. You cannot suspend your disbelief that there are stakes when there is a big promo before the movie about the next one where all the characters are together. Example - you didn't really go to see the Dark Knight thinking "Oh, he might die" but you were invested, you didn't know how things would play out exactly. With Marvel...you do. Directors cannot put their own stamp on a movie. You cannot tell me you can tell the difference between, let's say Avengers and the third Captain America movie. They probably had different directors but it didn't matter because Disney was the one making all the decisions. So the characters only go through superficial character arcs. Captain America is the same guy from start to finish, Tony Stark as well, they have to be. Nothing can really change. So there is no impact when you "kill" a character. I mean look at the discussion surrounding the "final"(lol) Avengers. People are casually arguing who will die and how sad it will be when they die. You cannot get invested when you know the outcome, but the outcome is the only thing that matters because they basically told us the journey doesn't matter, nothing or no one has changed. And now the big bad universe-ending villain will be defeated by a single, sad soccer mom.....until the next no-really-this-is-the-last-one villain comes along. I mean I have only seen 5 or 6 of these movies and I am really tired because in reality I have been watching the same movie over and over again. And you remember what Vaas said about insanity, right?

Look, I am not trying to advise you to not go and see these movies or pretend they are not fun to watch from time to time, but to remind you that just because they are big and based on comic books doesn't excuse them from being logical, well-written movies. At the beginning I compared Avengers 4 with a cumshot(ha ha, semen and all that) but the fact is that comparison doesn't work. This movie is the promise of a cumshot that will never come. Because there will always be another movie around the corner, until people get tired of them. And that is not a good reason to tell a story. In the end all you are left with is blue balls, I think we can all agree: nobody likes being blue balled.