An older tale from about 15 years ago, I wrote this on a whim. When I read old things that I've written, I see truth and bullshit in the same breaths. While I am withdrawn, I am still overly outgoing, caught in-between two minds. The older I get, the more of a gift I see that it is. To be two minds of the same thing is something most people can't even conceive, but for me, it's everyday life.
I’m on the inside looking out. It’s this physical manifestation that I dwell inside that will never let me be free!
Often, I go further inside, pondering things that were or how I wanted them. I stay there for hours, looking and revisiting over and over again until the outside commands my attention.
I do not wish freedom from this inside for it is me. My hopes, fears, and darkest ambitions become my lights, walls, and windows.
I would not, nor will not allow anyone to see this interior out of knowing that they will never look at me the same again. I am fine with that because this place is not meant for anyone else.
I do not wish to escape because the paths in my head are longer and more expensive than the entire universe! Worlds that I create giving me more power than a king or God. I destroy what I please and erect what I command in its place.
Inside, I have no need for money or material objects. Those things only exist on the outside. The inside is a fortress allowing me to retreat and allow thoughts to come and go as I please.
Such a place commands caution because I can go too deep and never find a way out! There is a beast that will drag me in and tear me apart. I call him Absorption and he is brutal, vicious, and cunning. I debate with him from time to time, always keeping my distance.
A lot of times he is right but I cannot listen to everything he says. Some of his words are depressive and cutting but I have developed thick skin from his constant badgering. I decide what is right and what is wrong and every battle and debate makes me stronger than him. He is merely a peon in my ever-expanding kingdom.
Yet still I remain on the inside looking out.