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The 42nd Fire: A Tale of Search

TheGarbageManOct 19, 2018, 7:04:48 AM

This week's fire goes out to my loyal viewers on Twitch, who watch and will it out. They are truly the best of all of you, so I'm writing this one for them. They were there at its birth, and they shall now witness its abortion on the Friday Fireplace Tales. Thanks everyone, until next Friday yo!

Boner Force 5

The space-pirate dog sniffed the bone. That fabled bone he had spent many a dog years searching for had met his nose again. And he was ready.

“Avast the laser sails, send up the jerry, and rig the stern half to bow and then twice to starboard” The space-pirate dog barked out to his crew, consisting of two robots and a repeating parrot.

“Bow and then twice to starboard!!!” The parrot imitated to near perfection.

The ship looked more like a bunch of trash patched together with twine and tape, multiple pieces of cardboard and metal flying off and drifting into the nothingness of space. Even so, the space-pirate dog and his crew were safe inside the SS Sprinkle Dick.

Through many moon, planet, star, and galaxy did this space-pirate dog sniff out his bone, the one bone so pure, so fresh. His mouth drooled at the thought, his left leg kicking in ecstasy.

Suddenly, the scent overwhelmed him so much his eyes bulged out! He threw up the last of his breakfast then turned to his first-mate, Scotty-2-Robot, telling him the heading of the scent.

After he lapped back up his own vomit, he again turned to his first mate and howled, his way of humping the SS Sprinkle Dick into drool-fur-space.

Between this universe and slurp lies the extra-dimension of drool. This would be the final hump before his arrived at his fabled destination.

After humping out of drool-fur-space, there was a giant red hydrant floating near two dog-eared moons, a habitable home-world of doggos. The space-pirate dog ejected his red-rocket, then ordered the ship to port.

“Slip into port!” The parrot screamed, even louder than the space-pirate dog himself.

On contact, the dog excitedly leaped out of the port and into the Bay of Bad Boy, the meanest fire hydrant this side of the Andromeda galaxy. The space-pirate dog’s robotic butler raced after him, trying to catch up with a collar in his hand.

“Master Ralf, master Ralf, you mustn’t be out of quarantine without your encoded collar to identify and pay all necessary permit and shot fees!” The robot butler called out its owner, Ralf the space-pirate dog.

Ralf heard but could not stop himself. The scent was so close that his mouth was a steady stream of slimy saliva, a trail of drool leading up to his final target: The best bone in this universe.

There it was! He leap over dogs, robots, cats, and even some mice, all trampled beneath Ralf’s massive paws. Before he even looked, he had the bone in his mouth, chewing ever-so-softly and savoring the taste, the moment… Until he looked and saw that it was still attached to its owner.

A long-haired white poodle with trimmed fur and lacy bows looked at the huge slobbering mutt sensually chewing on her leg. She gave a little bit of smirk. This bitch was in heat!

“Don’t stop, cowdog” She gently growled, giving Ralf a lick on the ear.

Ralf’s red-rocket went off again.

“Hey!” A giant bull, obviously of the employed kind, mooed. “Where's your licensing collar”?

Ralf suddenly realized that he was without! He vaguely remembered his robot butler going on about something of the sort, but he was still too deep in bonerland.

“Right here, sir!” The robotic butler came through the gathered crowd of regular animals, like dogs, cats, horses, even some hedgehogs, just with spacesuits on and robotic gear. It looked kind of cute.

The butler clamped the collar on Ralf. The bull scanned it, noticed it had all been checked off, including mites and ticks, and gave the green light for space-pirate Ralf’s presence at Bay of Bad Boy.

“Very good, master Ralf and his new bitch!” The butler announced.

From there, the crew became 5, a space-pirate dog, his new poodle bitch, Scotty-2-Robot, a robot butler too unimportant to even name, and an annoying-ass parrot, cruising the universe to piss, mark, and explore it all. 

They became known as Boner Force 5. To Ralf anyway. And the parrot.