Underwater Matches
“Underwater matches?”
The salesman sitting behind the counter beamed with pride. “Yep.”
The customer inspected the matchbox, skeptical. It had impressive professional designs on it, showing a match burning as bubbles rose from it instead of smoke. “How the hell does that work?”
The salesman launched into his pitch. “I would be happy to explain. They have been in development for several hundred years, and…”
“Really? That long?”
“Yes, actually. They were designed with the express purpose of helping illuminate and heat areas underwater. You see, once they light a flammable material, that material will also continue to burn while surrounded by water. ”
The customer flipped the small box over in his hand, matches rattling inside the sealed package. “Could I try one out?”
The salesman laughed haughtily. “Oh, absolutely not. As you might imagine, they are very expensive. If you want to see one in action, you must buy a pack. Normally, they are two hundred dollars a box, but today we are running a promotional campaign, so they are only twenty dollars.”
The customer was astonished. “Really? A ninety percent discount? That seems extreme, even for a promotion. Are you sure these are normally two hundred dollars?”
The salesman began to grow annoyed. “Look, the price is twenty bucks. Either buy it or don’t, I have a line queuing behind you.”
Turning around, the customer saw a large crowd gathering behind him in the store, all mumbling about the miracle product being advertised. Already, a line of rather impatient looking people had formed, and so the customer slapped twenty dollars on the counter and took his box of underwater matches.
Walking outside the store, noticing it had recently rained, the man looked for a any nearby puddles. After some walking, he found one well away from anything flammable, and deep enough for the match to be completely submerged. He took out a match, noticing with annoyance that the box only contained a handful of matches rather than being full, and struck the match on the side of the box. The tip, colored blue instead of red appeared mostly cosmetic, as the flame looked like any other match. He dropped it into the puddle, and it was immediately extinguished.
The customer sighed, realizing with increasing embarrassment that he had been conned.
He walked back into the store, past the line of objecting customers, and dropped his open box of matches onto the counter, drawing the surprised glance of the salesman as he laid into him. “These things are a fraud! I lit a match, and dropped it into a puddle. It went out immediately.”
The salesman raised an eyebrow, crossing his arms as he sized up the disgruntled customer. “Sounds like maybe you didn’t use it right.”
“It’s a freaking match! How is it possible to use it incorrectly?”
The salesman sighed impatiently, grabbing a box and reading the instructions off the back. “Okay, did you open the box all the way? Removed the outer plastic, everything?”
“Of course I did. How else would I have gotten the match?”
“Alright, no need to be sarcastic. After that, did you strike the match on the side to ignite it?”
“Obviously.”
“And did you wait for it to start burning before having it enter a body of water?”
The customer nodded. “Yeah. I did exactly that.”
The salesman shrugged, putting the box he was reading back among his stock. “Sorry, don’t know what to tell ya. If you had done all of those things, it should have burned underwater.”
The customer laughed in disbelief at what he was hearing. “Ok, fine! Let’s say I used them wrong, even though I still don’t understand how I possibly could… why don’t you show me how to use them?”
The salesman scoffed. “I’m not about to start giving out free sample of this amazing product! Every single match is worth its weight in gold. I though I had explained this to you already, the sheer-”
The man pointed at his half opened package. “I already paid for those. There are three left. How about this? I want a refund if you can’t light a single one of those underwater.”
The salesman frowned. “There are no refunds. Why would I agree to that?”
“Whatever! I don’t care, then! Just light one of my matches underwater to prove your entire brand isn’t a scam! Come on, you have an audience!”
To the salesman’s dismay, people began to chant their agreement after hearing most of the exchange, and the salesman begrudgingly agreed. “Alright, alright… fine. I suppose these have already been paid for, so corporate can’t fault me for this… but after a demonstration, I expect no more interference! These things are going to be huge, and I can’t waste time arguing with charlatans!”
The salesman held up a large glass fish bowl he pulled from behind his stand, placing it on the counter with a dramatic flourish. He poured several bottles of water into it, filling it nearly to the brim. “Now, if everyone will please pay close attention, here is how they work. Step 1, take out a match.”
The salesman opened the box, taking out a match. “Step 2, strike the match.”
Pulling the match head along the side of the box, the match burst into flames. “And step 3, while the flame is still burning, put it into water…”
The salesman dropped the match into the water. With a quiet hiss, it was extinguished immediately as it sunk uneventfully to the bottom. The crowd began to boo while the salesman tried to calm everyone down, shouting over them until the went quiet again. “Wait, wait! I must have made a mistake. These do work, I assure you! It probably just needs some more fuel.”
The salesman leaned down towards the customer, speaking quietly. “I may owe you an apology. The instructions didn’t mention fuel, so I may have given you incorrect instructions. But, just wait… you’ll see.”
While the customer just watched with disinterested disdain, the salesman lit another match, this time putting it on a block of wood covered with kindling as it floated in the bowl. “See! See?!? There it is! Underwater matches!”
The customer mumbled. “Push it under water, then.”
The salesman shot an accusatory glance. “Excuse me?!?”
“Any match can light a fire above water. You said it works underwater. Push the fire underwater.”
“Oh, fine! You are just never satisfied, despite all the evidence showing this clearly works! I’ll just push it underwater slightly and…”
The fire extinguished the moment it went underwater, and the crowd began to disperse. The line to purchase the miracle matches had all but vanished as the salesman panicked. “Wait, wait! Everyone, it works, those may have just been duds! It’s to be expected, with such a new and amazing technology as this! There is still one more, I’ll just light it and…”
The man struck the match frantically, shoving it underwater. The water drenched his fancy suit’s arm, and overflowed onto the counter, dripping on the floor. “See?!? Did you see that??? It was still lit for a moment! You just need to be quick enough!”
The customer sighed. “I knew it was too good to be true. What a ridiculous scam.”
The salesman locked eyes with the customer. “You’ve ruined me! You must have switched the underwater matches with fakes to frame me as a fraudster!”
The customer laughed. “Where would I get matches with blue tips? For that matter, why would I buy your matches just to turn around and defame you? Grab any one of those hundreds of boxes stacked behind you, and light one. I will eat my hat if you can keep even one lit underwater.”
The salesman did exactly that. Four full boxes later, the salesman sighed, both frustrated and defeated. “I can’t believe this…”
The customer felt slightly bad for the man. “Look, man, I’m sorry… but your product just doesn’t work.”
The salesman looked at the customer with rage. “No! It does work! Those must have not been real underwater matches… someone, maybe you or a competitor, must have switched them out!”
The customer was flabbergasted. Never had he seen such a delusional person. “Are… are you kidding? Your product is garbage, that’s all. You are just some snake oil salesman looking to con people.”
The salesman laughed hysterically, suit sleeves still dripping wet from his repeated and frantic attempts to light the matches underwater. He gesticulated manically. “Oh, look at you, seeing conspiracies everywhere! I’m just a liar, then. A con artist! It’s not that I actually have a product that revolutionizes multiple industries! If you could just open your mind to the possibilities, we could do so much with these matches! Have you even considered the greater good?”
The customer was still unsure exactly what was wrong with the man, and how he had managed to get a place to sell his dysfunctional product in such a reputable looking store. “Conspiracies? Greater good? You’re crazy, you know that?”
As the customer left, the salesman yelled at him before being apprehended and escorted from the premises by security guards. “Hey, at least I’m TRYING to make underwater matches! What are you doing? Nothing! You are nothing, less than nothing! We live in a society that can’t utilize fire underwater, and I’m not willing to live in a world like that! You just support the status quo, mindlessly burning matches on dry land while- hey! Keep your hands off me! I’m not crazy! They can work!”
The customer shook his head, hearing one more outburst as he left the store. “Just give me one more chance! Just one more, they will work for sure!”
***
P.S.: Underwater matches are apparently an actual thing. I did not know that before writing this short story, which is pretty funny to think about.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kMMaOdHKxvM
However, two facts still remain.
One, the underwater matches in the video don’t actually have a flame underwater, they just keep burning and can catch fire again once taken out of water. Don’t get me wrong, though; still super cool.
Two, the salesman obviously didn’t have these kind of matches. Even if he did, they don’t do the things he promised they could do. So the story still works.
In the future, when I try to come up with a different take on snake oil, I should probably check to make sure it doesn’t actually exist already. That would be prudent.