Sex is wonderful, yeah?
It's fun, but it can also be emotional, a release, deepening, and cleansing.
When I was getting married, a lovely woman from our church, invited a few of us girls, who were all getting married soon, over for a married woman talk. This is a biblically appropriate thing to do.
The aged women likewise, that they be in behavior as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; that they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:3-5
When I was at the post-secondary Bible Institute, I had to take a women's ministry course. Our closing assignment was to write a paper on the study of this passage of scripture which instructs the responsibilities of the elder women to the younger in a community of faith. We had free reign to conduct the study as we saw fit.
I am particularly fond of words and their meanings so, I dove into a word-by-word study with a greek concordance and lexicon as my guide. In the original Greek, the highlighted word 'teachers' in the above passage means "Bride room" or "Bride chamber". The word 'good' means, "teachers of what is right".
A light dawned on me. In the context of community living, it is the responsibility of the elder, more experienced women to teach the younger women not only what it means to be a good wife domestically and relationally, but also sexually. However, that meaning has gotten lost in the English translation and, consequently, it takes a rather sexually competent elder woman to know how important it is to communicate marital sexual healthiness to the upcoming generation. I was so surprised at the finding that it was important to me to have the instructor look at it and confirm my thoughts. I aced that paper.
The elder woman's advice was very helpful and has stuck with me for 17 years:
"Just do it. It always feels good."
Now, of course, there are times when sex has to be put off - sickness, injury, and when there are real problems that have to be addressed - but she was telling us to not withhold sex out of transient, petty, cranky, self-centered, manipulative, and/or punishing feelings. And, feminism be-damned, she was right to do so. It's advice that has served me well because, after all, sex is the promise of monogamy.
Over the years, I've learned to look at the frequency of sex when I'm becoming overall frustrated or irritated for no apparent, genuinely good reason. If I'm in a bad mood, I think: when was the last time I had sex? Days ago? Time to have sex again. And, just like that, I'm feeling better and able to face the problem, if there even was one, thoughtfully rather than emotionally.
And, there's some science to back up that idea:
Having tested it a number of times, I can attest to its validity.
My husband and I are pretty peacefully aligned, personality-wise, so putting this into action is more of a time-lapse issue than an in-the-moment need.
The Lover and I both have strong egos so, the fix there was applied much more frequently. In the middle of a heated discussion, something that almost never happens with my husband, I can be found often stopping us for a sex break. "Let's stop here, go have sex, and come back to it after." Making heated discussions possible to get through and a lot more fun.
Sometimes, when emotions are running particularly strong in me and I'm not able to think my way through them or find another way to release the overwhelming tension, I have sex. That sex is always intense and lucky is the man who finds himself in my path when I need that release.
I don't think this is unhealthy on its own. It makes for a really pleasant way for an individual in a couple to bring the two together in times of emotional upheaval instead of pulling apart to let feelings fester. I suppose the context for health is within "a couple".
It's great advice for people in a loving, committed relationship. There is a genuine utility, practicality, to sex that can have nothing to do with deepening a spiritual oneness, and I think it behooves men and women to have a realistic view of sex for it's spiritual, emotional, and practical uses.
It's not such great advice for people who use sex as an emotional release outside that context because it causes confusion and complications.
My sexual journey didn't start that way. It was an intellectually driven exploration of sex. My experience last Saturday was emotionally driven, a ripping off of the bandaid, as it were. I suppose there is a place for that too, but going forward I want to get back to that intellectually driven exploration without it being an unhealthy outlet for emotional needs.
So, the rational thing to do is to, first, clear up the Lover. I need to get to the heart of what it is he really wants and is working toward in his mind as he continues to pursue me when I'm trying desperately to get out of the way of the other things in his life which he really needs to resolve apart from me.