Polyamory: Hard-Earned Lesson #1

"Poly", meaning more than one,

"Amory" from "amorous", meaning love and, more specifically, romantic love.

Having more than one romantic love.

Both my husband and I are capable of this and find it an appealing lifestyle we're willing to explore and, so, we have for, almost, the past year and a half.

In starting my end of the journey, having done the hard work of breaking free from my own moral structure and, because it was hard to break free, I decided not to come under any other moral/ethical structure, but to engage people on an individual basis. I freely walked with individuals who I found worth the stroll for who they were, regardless of their circumstances. There was no structure to my path outside of enjoying the individual.

I enjoyed strolls with men from different races, political standings, religious backgrounds, economic statuses, and men who were single, divorced, nonmonogamous, and men who were cheating on their partners. The only parameter was the connection I felt to that individual.

And, while that will continue to be the predominate parameter, there are a few hard-earned, minor tweaks I'll make to any further journeying.

One that I've already stated is: No more married men who aren't in open relationships. And, this, not based on morality or ethics, but based on the hard-earned experience that it's all fun and games until he gets caught. The journey is supposed to be fun, but taking on the responsibility of walking with someone whose world you helped fuck up isn't fun - at all. That's an experience that I, personally, don't want to relive.

The other, newer parameter has come in a reflection of the biggest problem I've had with the Lover: Security.

My husband and I started our journey with "Partnered Nonmonogy". This means he and I are our only romantic loves, but we allow each other to enjoy sexual relationships with others. But, when I fell in love with the Capricorn, we considered Polyamory.

For my own clarity, it's important to understand that falling in love was what defined my troubled path with the Capricorn, "The Lover", who has consumed my posts, about this journey, for the past several months. Love is where the struggle in our relationship is found. If he were just sex, I wouldn't struggle so profoundly with the fact that he's still trying to figure out his broken marriage and after that, the rest of his life. But, love is there and it forces my path unto polyamory.

Powerful feelings, going with the flow, and not having an outside structure of boundaries muddled my clarity of thought for too long. Maybe, I should say, just long enough for me to have hard-earned the conviction that, if polyamory is ever on my plate again, I will not engage anyone who isn't settled enough in their life to devote the time and energy it takes to openly walk with me in what is arguably the unconventional, uncharted territory of polyamory which must be handled delicately and carefully so that all involved - me, my husband, my children, and the other lover - are successfully having their needs met.

It does not matter that I love the Capricorn or that, as an individual, he's a compatible candidate for exploring polyamory with us. His life is wildly unsettled and will be for quite a while longer. I fully understand that he has to devote his time and energy to settling it, which has put my life and my ability to experience our love in the context of my life situation on hold for far too long.

This rational realization has come through the emotional pain I've toiled under from the lack of security in our relationship because his life is unsettled. For me to do this thing in my life, and my life and my situation are important, I must have the security that the other partner has the rest of his life settled and that journeying with me and my family is the project that has his attention and is where he is putting his time and energy beyond the mundane responsibilities of his otherwise settled, everyday life.

Waiting on the opportunity to start this process for 9 months has worn me down and I have reached my limits. He has a long road ahead of settling his life, and I absolutely don't fault him for it, it's important that he settle his life in his time and his way, but my life matters too and being in love, but waiting to make that work in my world does not work for me at all.

In every way imaginable, from every angle I can identify, trying to maintain a loving relationship while not being able to start to apply it practically in my world because his world isn't settled, has hurt me. Physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and practically. I can not do it.

No one can help what they feel for another. I love him and I will continue to love him. But, we can help what we do with those feelings, and when feelings aren't enough to fix what isn't working, counter emotional actions follow. While, as an individual, he's a really, really compatible choice, where he's at in his life disqualifies him from being someone I can do polyamory with and, sadly, the love and desire for each other that we share prevents us from being just sexual partners.

I write this and feel kind of dumb. Like "Duh, of course, that's a thing". But, in another sense, this is what it means to be an individualist and free thinker. You cast off all systems of belief and find, for yourself, what does and doesn't work in your life. Hopefully, you do it without causing too much or irrevokable harm to your life, and I think I can say that I've done that here.

And, as a matter of affectively, breaking my life open for consideration, if you're thinking of polyamory ... my advice? No matter the connection you feel to a new potential partner if their life is unsettled, you're better off letting them go settle their life before you entertain the idea of a loving relationship with them.