Could We Be In an Open Marriage? Part 1: Yes, Maybe?

I agree with this article: "This Is Why We Say "Until Death Do Us Part" In Wedding Vows". I'm bound to my husband - happily, because I took the time to find the right person for me instead of getting caught up in romantic feelings when dating. I entered into marriage with my eyes wide open, in a disciplined, methodical, thoughtful manner because, there's no getting out of it. 

While we're not really seriously acting on it, but merely thinking on the ideas: what if sex outside of marriage doesn't always contribute to separating the two who are in the marriage as, is the case, at least in their eyes, of those who engage in an open marriage/swinging?

What I've found is characteristically true of the couples who engage, successfully, in swinging and open marriages is the act of being very open and honest with each other - to a level most couples aren't - and because they've built that kind of relationship over the years, they are solid in it. Sex with others does not interrupt their commitment to each other.

I used to think my husband and I were pretty similar to other couples - not wishing to think more highly of ourselves than we ought - but as we've spent time around other couples, I've come to realize that my husband and I are kind of unique. That's not to say we love each other more, but that we're really good at communication with each other. We are hardly ever at conflict with each other and we're able to hear things from each other, without offense or hurt feelings, in a way that most of my friends are not. We are different, and that's not to say we're better or we love each other more. In fact, in regard to this road, love for one another has little to do with whether or not we could succeed in it. 

I've seen people with crappy communication start to engage in sexual activity with others out of a sense of exploration without giving much thought to the state of their marriages, or from a sense of deep discontentment with their partner relationally, and I've watched it become a mistake. If you want to survive the road, you have to be next level communicators with a high commitment to each other - that's the starting point. If you're not there, I wouldn't recommend you add anything else to your relationship's plate.

Of course, that's only one angle of the issue to consider (religiously and practically speaking hence, the series of posts). However, as I've spent time thinking on the issue, I would say, from this one angle, there are things which can be done to minimize, the negative impact on the oneness of the couple.

1. Awareness of the mechanics of how we're biologically hard wired (planning for and avoiding known pit falls). Take for instance the neurological considerations talked about in this TEDX. Knowing that an orgasm creates a chemical sense of trust in me, as a women, what mental preparation would I need to have in place before engaging in that which would cause me to feel close when embracing that is something I want to avoid? 

2. A commitment to not allowing oneself to be separated at an emotional/psychological level (practicing honest and continual self-awareness). Not dismissing feelings or thoughts which indicate a growing desire to be inordinately attached to the other sexual partner.

3. Continued commitment to open and honest communication with your spouse. Including being able to hear from them in their struggles and when they're noticing something you're not aware of in yourself. Fostering a commitment to not move where the other can not yet go and having the mental discipline to be satisfied with that boundary. Moving as one regardless of what you as an individual feel capable of.

It takes a high level of mental discipline and commitment to achieve oneness.

I'm practiced in the discipline, why would I not be able to apply it in maintaining oneness while having an open marriage? 

Consequently, and considering the above, where once I looked at monogamous couple pictures, and became filled with warm, fuzzy feelings of happiness for them (and I still have that as a matter of respect for where they're at), I have, now, found myself thinking, "How simple." That sounds awful, and maybe it is. It's not that I'm not happy for them - I am - but I have this sense that I want to explore what most find impossible to even conceive, simply, because I can conceive it. Simply because we've both found that rather than being filled with sadness and/or jealously at the other having sexual pleasure with someone else, we actually both find it exciting and stimulating.

The issue then becomes a matter of looking at the command of God as good for the general public - most people can't even begin to handle allowing their spouse to share sexual pleasure with anyone else. But, My husband and I, surprisingly, have found ourselves able to embrace the idea.

Had you told either of us, even a year ago, that we'd be considering this road, we'd have laughed you off the stage. "God says 'No' to adultery - period." But, the thought exercise has turned to asking ourselves, "Why does He say 'No'?" He always says "No" out of an understanding of how He's, generally, made humanity and the genders to function, and because, He loves us, and wants a peaceful, happy, high functioning, meaningful life for us.

When I've considered what it would take, even in where I think I can go, I understand that it will be work. And, depending on who you're engaging with, it can be a lot of work. It creates a certain kind of unrest, level of risk, and lack of peace to start walking down the road. Without the worst case consequences, I already have experienced some of the emotional upheaval that goes with making a choice God has warned is not easy on the soul. 

So, the other thing I've come to acknowledge is this sense that God has said, "No" for my good, if we choose to walk outside the path of ease He's prepared for us, we also choose to accept the burden - without complaint - of the road we want to travel. We can not have our cake and eat it too. Can we navigate the road with a measure of pit fall mitigation? I think so, but it's not as simple as following a whim and desire - not if we want to survive the experiment. As with any choice, I have to take responsibility for it's outcome. Or, in other words, employ another Biblical principle: Spend some time counting the actual cost before starting down a new path. 

Whether or not we choose to fully embrace what we think we can accept, it has been a wonderful time of discovery for us as a couple. We've discovered a new depth of who the other is. We've had really good conversations for months now. We've opened up some sexual exploration between us that we hadn't previously even given much consideration to or didn't know was as much of desire/need as it was until we started talking about it. So far, so good - pt. 1 awarded to team Ren and The Man.