Adventures in Renland Part 2: My Evening with Mr. Polyamory

pol·y·am·o·ry

/ˌpälēˈamərē/

noun

"the philosophy or state of being in love or romantically involved with more than one person at the same time."

This week, I was off on another date or, rather, quasi interview with someone choosing to live in, or explore, various parasexualities.

Tuesday night, I met with, shall we call him, "Mr. Polyamory". Quotes, because, if I had to give an honest assessment of the individual, I'm not sure he is really as much interested in the "amory" part (as in love and romance) as he is the "poly".

That seems harsh and, in part, I was disappointed by our time together so, I'll temper it with this: He and his wife just jumped into this pool over the last several months so, I think his lack of experience, and having a personality more driven by impulse than deliberation, contributed to my disappointment.

However, because he is only slightly ahead of where I am in embracing the idea of an open marriage, we could relate as peers. We shared our experiences and how we are coping with them.

In sharing, he talked about how he and his wife had deliberated the topic, but how, in the practical outworking of the deliberation, she (and it seems to me, he) have been driven by, or have acted upon, impulse more often than I would. And, this, has caused problems between them that my husband and I, out of our more cautious natures, have, so far, avoided.

My take away from Mr. Polyamory's expressed experience was a reinforcement of the idea that as much as the "amorous" portion of polyamory dictates a certain amount of being swept away by a moment, if you want to not hurt your most essential romantic relationship, you can't go around allowing yourself to be swept up before you and your spouse/partner are prepared for the eventuality. I can't do, then, tell. I must have the agreement of my spouse and, then, give place for the action - every step of the way.

I (and consequently, my husband) have, um, er dipped our toes into this pool. I wrote in Could We Be in an Open Marriage Part 1 that I was aware of how God says, "No" because of His love for me not because of some arbitrary commend to test how good I am at blind obedience and devotion. Sometimes it has to be blind, but it's never just a test, there's always a good reason behind it. I can trust Him even when I don't understand the reason for what He's requiring of me.

Before meeting, Mr. Polyamory and I had a few message exchanges. At one point, he perfectly (however accidentally) communicated the difference in our natures and our journeys: "Life is beautifully complicated." to which I responded, "My hasn't been for many years so, I'm painfully aware of how this will complicate it and that is the reason I'm moving cautiously". Following God leads to peace and a general lack of complication - that has been my experience and I love God for it. I'm choosing to complicate my life here, but I'd like to see if I can mitigate those complications. I think that is only possible with cautious and deliberate movements.

Also in that article, I communicated one pitfall that I, as a woman, must be particularly aware of: Not allowing sexual experience to create a sense of misplaced trust or a breaking down of intellectually well placed barriers with purpose in exchange for in-the-moment emotions.

That is proving harder to do than I thought it would, but so far, I'm also able to keep one foot firmly in reality - the reality that my husband is who I "go home to" every night and who I'm going to grow old with - period.

While I started this journey just focused on sexual exploits, it has turned into the thrill of finding that I am capable of having strong and caring emotions for both men, giving rise to me considering polyamory as opposed to just being in an "open marriage". However, the idea that my husband, our home, and life together is sacred and untouchable, I think, in the truest sense, pushes me slightly outside the ability to claim the label. Any other amory will always be held in 2nd place and will always have to work around what I have to do to protect my marriage, children, and the life we've built together for the past 16 years.

Mr. Polyamory and I do share at least one thing in common: we have exposed ourselves to resources produced by people with more experience, but we share a spirit of generally wanting to figure this road out for ourselves, even if I am more cautious in my movements.

What I've figured out so far:
I will not engage men who are married, but not in open marriages. That adds complication to what is already pretty complicated.

I will not engage single men who are in their 20s. Whether they're intentionally looking, or not, that age group is, in my opinion, the prime time to be looking for a partner with whom to build a life. I don't want to be a distraction away from that.

I will not engage first and tell my husband, after the fact, that I took a step he was not prepared for me to take or didn't know ahead of time I would be taking. I will not spring my mile stones on him. And, as always, he has full disclosure of whatever he wants to know and is held in first place in all my considerations.

Our children's environment and experience is sacred - my amories will not be a part of my children's upbringing (another thing which, I think, technically, puts me outside the ability to claim polyamory, in it's pure form). In fact, my children will continue to be raised by our faith because that is the road, I know for sure, leads to peace, health, and stability for them with their future life mates. It is the firmest foundation I can give them, it's the uncomplicated path. If they want to build, off that foundation, a different sort of house, if they want to complicate their lives, that will be their business when they are old enough to make those choices and take responsibility for them.

I continue to move cautiously and carefully.