A Follow Up to the Regret Post

Two days ago, I wrote a post (you can read it HERE) about whether or not I regretted being an adultress in another man's adultery. The conclusion was "No", not overall.

As one can imagine, my boldness in proclaiming my lack of regret, brought out the morally and ethically indignant, as well as, those who could find, at least a point, in the telling of my story, with which they could identify.

I am just telling my real story from my actual perspective. That's all. Nothing more, nothing less. I can not control anybody's response to it, but I tell it anyway. Knowing that anything I do - "right", "wrong", or indifferent - will garner the same varied responses from different crowds, but hoping that no matter what my truth is, it'll impact the reader in some useful way. And, really that's all any of us can do in life.

I mean, if I wrote about my homeschooling journey, I'd have people who homeschool come in with support and/or criticism. There'd be people who hadn't really considered the option who'd then consider it or poo-poo it. There'd be those who hate the idea of homeschooling, who ardently believe in corporate compulsory education outside the home, who would share varying degrees of disapproval.

I have written about my homeschool journey, as well as a number of other topics, and know this from experience.

There is nothing we can do in life, if shared in any way, which will not garner a wide spectrum of responses. So, I have long since (in 10+ years of blogging) learned to just "do me" and let everyone else think what they want.

I made a conscientious choice to walk a path. Whatever you want to think of me, know this, I'm always conscientious. I know why I made the decision I did. I know what previous moral standards I compromised or gave up altogether in it, and why. I know which ones I didn't, and why. I can defend my thinking and my actions. You'd be hard-pressed to think of something I already haven't if your hope is to trip me up.

1. Now, there are always people who are just not going to understand, in any way, no matter how you explain yourself, and they are going to attack simply because they are disgusted or offended by what you've chosen to do. They're emotional, not intellectual. They tell you, in all sorts of unpleasant ways, that you're bad because you did what disgusts them. These are the easiest people to ignore. Though they may pontificate at length through all sorts of nastiness, all of what they say boils down to one very simple thought: I don't like that you chose to do this. And, that is easily dismissed: M'Kay. Who are you and why should I care? Do tell me, why your sense of moral authority is something toward which I should bend?

2. Then, you'll face more thoughtful people who actually challenge the thinking behind your choices. Easily dismissed if you don't care to address criticism, but I rather enjoy a good debate. These detractors don't so boldly tear apart your person as they do address your points, your thinking, or your choices. But, there's still an emotionally indignant edge to their reaction. They still may be inconvincible. They may never come to your defense over that which they disagree, but they exhibit a more cool and rational head and often can at least be made to see that you, as a whole person, are not without value even if they don't like everything you hold to or choose for yourself.

3. Then, you have people who may be indifferent or who don't agree with your thoughts or choices, but they maintain a rational distance from allowing your story to personally and emotionally impact them. They are able to hear you and give you the respect of individual liberty and autonomy. They may express disagreement, but often find a point on which they can understand and/or agree. The key to this group is that they are not taking your choices, your thoughts, personally or reacting emotionally. They are the crowd who responds thoughtfully and, consequently, their responses don't hold personal attacks. 

4. And, last, you have the people who fully understand and/or agree, and tell you that they do. While they communicate things which are less annoying than those who are just indignantly reacting out of offense, and their response can engender a feeling of validation, their response holds just an emotional value and, thusly, only a little more value than that of group one, and should be only lightly leaned on at an intellectual level.

Groups two and three are your real refiners. Because, if you can stand your ground and explain yourself effectively to those two groups under a blog post, you have just earned yourself the ability to face the criticism in real life. 

So, thank you to my detractors, my challengers and, yes, even the dumbass human-shaped ape. You are the iron on which I have sharpened my sword which will soon see battle in real life. I leave you to your reactions, emotions, responses, and intellectual engagement with my life stories. They are your own, but when you expressed them to me, you gave me a chance to stand up for myself, to more clearly defend my choices, to hone my arguments, to refine my thinking, you have prepared me to face the spectrum of responses I will encounter in real life. 

There will be those who are easy to dismiss, easy to let walk out of my life; those with whom I'll be able to make an argument in my own defense; those who will not disassociate from me just because I made a choice they personally wouldn't; and there will be those who put an understanding arm around me.

And, that would be true whether or not I'd committed adultery, or regretted it, and it will undoubtedly be true several more times throughout my life over a number of my actions or thoughts.

As a note: the Lover doesn't want to be with his wife, but can't face the reality of standing up to the reactions of their community of family or friends. The Lover loves me and wants to travel a path with me and my family. I've let him go to do what he feels he needs to, but neither of us wanted to lose the other. He admires my strength to do what it is I want to do - he admires my individuality and my independence. Years of having to face the four groups of responses to good, bad, and indifferent choices, online and in real life, have literally made me the woman I am today. He has not been so bold through his life as to often say or do that which runs against his social tide and, in these days, when he'd rather be with me, the thing which keeps him glued to a marriage he no longer wants to be in is his inability to stand up to people like you.

Thank you for making me strong.